{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "How do you navigate a relationship where the sex slowly decreases the longer the relationship? Im a male who needs to get off at least 2 times a week. One of the reasons my last relationship ended was because the twice a week turned into once in 2 weeks after 6 months.", "post_id": "61018da47728050021e92572", "reply_count": 46, "vote_count": 4, "bowl_id": "5e8656b80bdab1002a7355dc", "bowl_name": "Confession " }

How do you navigate a relationship where the sex slowly decreases the longer the relationship? Im a male who needs to get off at least 2 times a week. One of the reasons my last relationship ended was because the twice a week turned into once in 2 weeks after 6 months.

likesmart
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30F here. We’re in the same boat right now, on average about once or twice every week or two, so I’ll throw in some perspective. I know it’s totally on me since I’m the one who turns it away most of the time. My SO is sexy as hell and great in bed, so no qualms here, but most often I’m just super tired. We both have demanding jobs and stay up late working and then we wake up early back to work. When I’m running on a sleep deficit, I’m going to pick snooze > sex 99% of the time. So during the week it’s rare, although we make up for it in the weekends. I’ve talked to my SO about trying to go to bed earlier but that’s been hard for us to do. Another issue is that our lives have become filled with chores and responsibilities. No longer the carefree “sleepover at the BFs” house days, now we own a house and have a life together. With all that, we’ve definitely lost some of the romance and lust-y feeling, as I assume is normal. I need those feelings though to feel in the mood spontaneously and not just on our weekend schedule. So we’re working on bringing more romance and fun back to our relationship, which hopefully will bring our sex life back to something more frequent. I’m sure it’s not like this with all couples, and I certainly envy those that can crank up the heat midday, but for some of us (like me) we just need something more to get in the mood on a whim.

likehelpful

It’s tricky because if you let her know you’re dissatisfied with the frequency of sex, you’re adding more pressure on her to try to be in the mood more often (which probably has the opposite effect). At the same time, your needs aren’t being met. It’s a tough conversation. Maybe this goes without saying, but the focus for these conversations with her should be what would help her get in the mood more often. No one wants to feel like they HAVE to have sex. (And I’m sure you’d prefer her to WANT to.) It also may help if you communicate to her (if true) that you don’t want sex just for the sake of sex/physical need but to feel closer to her/loved by her. Sounds like sex isn’t much of a physical need for her, so she may relate more if you frame it as an emotional need. And that may make the idea of “maintenance sex” more appealing (and feel less transactional).

likesmart
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As a woman I’ve heard this happen to so many couples and I don’t really understand how it happens. Does your SO just turn you away a lot? Are you not initiating? Have you asked about it? Maybe you need to add toys to the mix and make sure she is also getting off? Focus on her first before you finish and I guarantee she’ll want to do it more.

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Hmm ok it sounds like she’s definitely the problem then. You’ve tried communicating, adjusting, and putting her first. Sounds like she’s not trying.

1) are you leaving space for sex to actually happen in the relationship? Over time other things will keep piling up until you eventually realize that there isn't actually any free time where spontaneous sex could happen 2) are you making sure that there is romance and emotional closeness in the relationship? Not to stereotype, but I've found that while both men and women want emotional connection with their SO, men get that feeling be having sex, whereas women need that feeling to have sex

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I second what D2 said. That’s the biggest difference between woman and men imo.

For what it’s worth, you can’t just expect most women to be ready to go just by you initiating it. You need to get creative with the foreplay. Have her mentally thinking about sex well before you initiate it. If she’s busy, stressed, whatever…you have to cut through all of that to get her in the mood.

likesmart

It’s wild that with men all you have to do is touch them and they’re ready to go. Would be so much easier if that’s all it took with women

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I never really got this! How is it that women don't want it the same way men do? It's like eating a good meal, and who doesn't get hungry every now and then? 6months w/o action is insane!

funnylikesmart

Every 2 weeks. Like. 2ce a month. Every 14 days. Every fortnight. Lol what's not clicking 😂

funny

You guys need to meet

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likefunny

Sex can be a lot of pressure when you're dealing with stress otherwise. Are either or both of you in therapy (not about sex, just about life)? I find that therapy helps me relax the way a massage would. It gives me more capacity to show up And ultimately, it could just be incompatibility after a while. Ask her what her ideal is, even if she can't get there right now. That should help. Also, a vacation might give the right space from day to day duties and allow more presence for that kind of intimacy

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Have you had a convo about it?

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There’s a study that found, on average, once per week is the point at which your happiness no longer increases with increased sex (can a non-attorney help me with the phrasing LOL, is it diminishing marginal returns or not quite?)

funny

“It is also possible that couples feel satisfied as long they think they are engaging in the amount of sex that is considered to be average for couples of their relationship status and duration.”

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It boils down to some people are physically Hornier than others .

like

Maybe you aren’t meeting her needs

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Looking for opinions/advice. Am I being unrealistic? Obviously busy weeks are different - but I’m saying generally 2 times a week. I’m a male 28

Nope, you aren’t. Once in 2 weeks is pretty low.

likehelpful

Unless you got fat, stopped taking showers / brushing your teeth, or stopped making an effort to flirt, I would say it's a two way street. If she has lost tingles for you, they are very hard to get back. You can make improvements for sure. You should try. But usually people fall back to their old ways after making the extra effort for a while. People simply have different libido levels and different expectations of excitement and fun to trigger libido. It is what it is. Huge majority of relationships end up sexless. I think effort can be made to fix partnership issues, but sex issues usually don't get fixed long term.

I don’t know honestly. Even in my longest relationship where we didn’t emotionally connect after a couple years, we still had sex at least once a week unless there was an argument. I’d definitely say bring it up to your partner and make them aware from the early stages what’s important. I hate to sound like a pick me but even when I’m tired I sometimes just let my current partner get even a quickie before bed.

Twice a week is not out of this world, at all. I am very active and TBH 4 to 5 times a week for me would be an average. 26M

Trying to understand - why would you not want to have sex when you’re stressed? Finishing is super relaxing and pleasurable. Being with someone you truly love brings joy. Even if I’m not feeling horny I would never turn away my husband. I would never want to. Plus being super busy is a bad excuse because people always make time for what they enjoy no matter what.

D2 big same.

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If it’s bad now wait until you are married or have kids. When that happens you will be lucky if you get some once a month

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