How does your school deal with students and preferred names/pronouns. Im in a more rural district and to my surprise I have many students who choose to go by a different gender/name. Our school is very lenient on calling the student whatever they want to be called. As a parent myself, I feel like I would want to be notified if my child asked this of a teacher. What does your school do in these situations?

We call our students by the name they tell us to call them. It’s not political or controversial to call someone by the name and pronouns they provide, it’s just respectful. I’m cis gender and use the name my mother gave me, but between junior high and high school I went through probably 15 different nicknames, trying to find what felt right for me. Not one person asked if I had permission from my parents to use a nickname, or talked to them to see if it was OK, and my mom worked at my school in junior high. Considering that, I really am unclear as to why anyone feels we need to talk with parents about using a different name for a child.

A lot of kids try out a new name or pronouns at school to see if it’s the right for before having that conversation at home. Some decide it wasn’t and revert to their legal name and original pronouns. Others go to adults at school because they trust them and may be fearful or the response at home. If a child is confortable taking to their parents about it, they would have. It’s not our call to choose that timing, nor is it our place to out children to their parents when this can literally produce a dangerous situation for them. Children and teens are regularly kicked out or physically or emotionally abused for their sexuality and gender identities.

Our policy is that we can’t change the name in the online system without parent intervention, but we can call them what they ask and that includes calling them one name at school and their legal name when calling home, based on their request.

I would ask you to explore where your desire to inform the parents stems from. Will it benefit the students’ academic success in any way? If not, why is that conversation needed? I reach out to parents to partner with them in their child’s success, not tell them the ways in which their child is exploring the world and discovering their place in it. Please consider very carefully how to proceed as it can cost you the trust of your students and possibly their safety.

First, never, ever, ever out a student. You could be putting them in harms way. You could be leading them to suicide or abuse.

LGBTQ+ students have enough to deal with. If they have not told their parents, there is a reason. That reason may be a lack of trust, zero understanding, or trauma/ abuse. --Not all abuse leaves bruises on your skin, but it damages your psyche. Don't think that all people parent from a place of love.

Next: we have zero problems with calling students by their middle names or diminutives, so this is no different.

I am not going to call parents for several reasons:
1. I don't need to. It's not in my job description to interfere in the social and home lives of my students unless they are being harmed or harming others. It is only my job to discuss academic success and any behaviors that interfere with that.
2. If parents want an open, loving, sharing relationship with their children, that is up to them.
3. More parents harm children who come out than you will ever know and I don't want to risk being the catalyst for abuse.
4. It is not my news to share. This is something deeply personal for each individual and I am not going to take their process out of their hands and create even more trauma.

Further, you cannot treat your students' parents as you wish to be treated as a parent. There are too many variables. Just like I cannot treat other people the way I wish to be treated. There are too many variables and a lot of people are not as open as I am. Filters matter. Keep yours in place.

For many students, especially in rural communities, it might not be safe for their parents to find out about their identity or preferred pronouns. It is just best to respect the student's wishes and ensure school is a safe place for them to be who they are.

We call students what they ask to be called in class and put that on the seating chart, but their legal name remains in the official online system unless parents change it. I use their legal name in emails home. In replies (if they happen), parents tend to use the name they prefer for their child.

I call my students whatever name or pronouns they ask to be called, but I check with them first before I talk to their parents. If a student doesn’t want their parent to know, I don’t tell them. Doing so might put a student in danger. The number one protective factor for at risk LGBT+ teens is having support from trusted adults. Where I live many don’t have that support at home, so I try to respect the students’ wishes and their privacy at school.

Not all parents are loving to their students. If a kid doesn't want to be called a certain name at school, then that's fine. Some parents will react negatively and harm the child, either physically or mentally. Even though you would not, others would, and schools don't know. I have no problem in keeping the parents in the dark on that.

I’m in a small rural school. I have worked with or know grown men who call themselves Skeeter and Doodlebug. I will call a kid whatever they want to be called. Period.

Call a kid by their last name then. It is not our job to hide things from parents or to lie to them. It is not our job to indulge in whims of children.

How about students who ask us to call them names not associated with sexual orientation? 'Straight' students we know are dating but their immigrant parents would send back to their home countries or American parents would send to some repentant camps if they know? Students who have drooped their parents' religions and refuse to respond to the associated names? Do I call home? No. I do my job - teach and keep them safe.
So, what makes this different? Sexual orientation?

I will not out a kid. It could literally mean the difference between life and death.

That said, names and pronouns are simply NOT a big deal. Would you call home if Andrew wanted to be called Andy? (There was an advice column once where a mom was livid because that was happening to her son and she yelled at the teacher, who then informed her that her SON was telling kids to call him Andy - mom wanted teacher to put a stop to it and literally everyone who commented decided Mom was overreaching and also a bit nuts. I personally had a Katherine in my class and her mom said she was okay with Katie but NOT Kathy.) Just call the kid what he wants to be called. Use pronouns they request or don't use any at all (it's awkward but possible - the plural "they" works well). It's not the job of middle or high school parents to tattle on kids and this is a non-issue that informing parents amounts to tattling. We inform parents when we are legitimately concerned about a kid. Playing with names and gender in high school is extremely common, may or may not be permanent, and not a life and death issue. It's building identity. Gender is all about performance and social norms. ALL of us perform our gender in different ways and in different degrees of femininity and masculinity, and settle with what works for us.

Under title IX students can use their preferred name and pronouns at school and don’t need permission from parents and the school can’t out kids to their parents.

My kid at 14 used this on their own and then told us because the school wouldn’t listen.

In NJ we are required to call the student by their preferred name without parental consent.

Your school needs to implement a formal policy so that you have guidance and are protected. At my school, students can request to be called by their preferred pronouns and teachers have to respect that. Parental consent is not required.

In CA we are legally obligated to use the preferred names/pronouns of our students per their own preference. We do not need to notify parents, even when it comes to changing their names in grade books/on our student database.

I ask everyone how they would like to be addressed. It’s a basic right of all people. It’s right up there with the right to be clothed in terms of dignity. Who would have the audacity to tell someone what they are to be called? Everyone gets to choose that themselves.

All I know is that a parent may be happy and all that if I out their child based on where they stand on the issue. But I remind myself that if the child hurts themselves, die, or commits suicide as a result of my action, I can be charged with second degree murder/manslaughter because I'm indirectly responsible. And then the parent forgets the so-called good I think I've done because now all they want is their child back - gay or straight or queer.

You are right, the guilt enough will literally kill me.

We have a student who preferred they them pronouns and a different name. The parents however were very against staff addressing the student in the students preferred manner. Our admin tried to accommodate the student but several teachers used the preferred name at conferences and the parent flipped out. Our schools are at the parents disposal... It's important for identity for students to explore and for us to help them be comfortable, but we also have to balance how the parents see the situation. And I do believe that's still important, children are children for one. And we as teachers can't tell parents how to parent. There are many cases I wish we could but it's not that simple.

If a parent needs the school to tell them what is going on in their child's life, they need to examine themselves and their parenting. The whole pronoun thing is a right-wing political move to blame teachers for bad parenting. I have two students using other names/pronouns and it is not a problem. Even the students are OK with it. Society should stop blaming teachers for bad parenting.

Title IX is a federal civil rights law.

If your district/school wants to violate that, that is on them. Gender identity and sexual orientation, to include non-conformity to a cisgender assignment fall to this as well.

Do what’s right for you and your students.