{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "How does your SO feel about you meeting attorneys of the opposite sex alone for networking? I’m starting out on my own and trying to generate business by getting out in my community and networking. My husband isn’t cool with me meeting men (even a former colleague I used to work with) over lunch and is only comfortable with the idea of “fixed” coffee meetings (e.g. where I am available from 11:30-12). Am I being insensitive in getting frustrated / feeling unsupported? Is that controlling to you?", "post_id": "60bad0f38c91750024935c24", "reply_count": 93, "vote_count": 14, "bowl_id": "5da60c126e5f0d001f32f497", "bowl_name": "Women in Law", "feed_type": "bowl" }

How does your SO feel about you meeting attorneys of the opposite sex alone for networking? I’m starting out on my own and trying to generate business by getting out in my community and networking. My husband isn’t cool with me meeting men (even a former colleague I used to work with) over lunch and is only comfortable with the idea of “fixed” coffee meetings (e.g. where I am available from 11:30-12). Am I being insensitive in getting frustrated / feeling unsupported? Is that controlling to you?

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I’m not sure if you and your SO are religious, but my husband and I had this conversation before we got married because we are Christian and actively involved in church and we very occasionally come across someone who questions us about this (*usually* with good intentions, but ugh). My husband is absolutely appalled when people suggest that it’s inappropriate that I would meet with a male boss, colleague, or client alone. He expresses nothing but full support of me, and literally could not care less when I meet alone with men. He trusts me. Period. I’m not trying to be harsh OP, but I couldn’t imagine being with someone who took this stance, even if it was under the guise of religion (I could also go on and on how this isn’t biblical but this isn’t the place 🤣). It sounds like this is not a healthy relationship and is likely a red flag that your SO may get more controlling in other aspects of your life if they aren’t already.

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My hubby has had these tendencies and it was a source of tension for a while... every once in a while, it still is, but my industry is fully male-dominated. Men outnumber women at least 3 to 1. I wouldn’t be able to work if he was still sensitive about this issue. So, we really had to just hash out his concerns and the realities of lawyer life.... part of which are that middle of day coffee meetings or lunches are sooo hard to schedule and keep and further if something untoward was going to happen - hello! - the sun doesn’t stop that! There are still a couple of colleagues that my hubby is suspicious of, but TBH they earned that through their observed behavior on a couple of occasions.... I think it also helps that he knows that I have rules in place for myself in professional situations, e.g., I never have more than 2 glasses of wine when out, I always drive/take myself to the restaurant, etc. The fact is it is possible that someone will be inappropriate, but that is their issue and not yours. It may happen. It’s happened to me, but I handled it and made it very clear that such behavior was not going to be tolerated. Typically, it never happened again... You cannot be responsible for others bad behavior and it’s not naive to believe that you are a peer and valuable asset to your profession. Hash it out with him but don’t let him make you responsible for what others might do and certainly don’t let him make you think your not worthy professionally.

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Is your husband Mike Pence? This is total BS. You are a grown woman and can decide for yourself what situations are appropriate for you to be in. Him claiming he’s worried about the other men and not you is very paternalistic.

likefunnysmart

Lmfaoooooo ☠️☠️☠️💜💜💜

He knows he would be tempted to cheat in a similar situation so he’s projecting on you those same desires. Projection bias

likesmart

Exactly. These kinds of men are very transparent.

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Yes. That is controlling to me. It’s a big WTF.

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It seems like he doesn't have a lot of trust in you. There is some risk if you go out and meet with other men in a quasi social situation but you fundamentally have to distrust your spouse to think that they'd really cheat in that situation. Is there a past issue he's holding on to?

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A12, such good advice. Setting boundaries in our relationships is so important, no matter what stage or type of relationship you’re in (married, dating, friendship, work, etc.). OP, I know from being in a past controlling relationship that it can be difficult to stand up for yourself for fear of upsetting the other person, but it is so worth it in the long run. I think the amount of responses on this post help show that you have a lot of support for your position, and he is clearly in the wrong on this one. Don’t let his insecurities hold you back from pursuing and developing a career that you worked your ass off to obtain.

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If he can take meetings with men and you can’t, that’s sexist. Most people in law/business are men, don’t disadvantage yourself.

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A good part of business meetings are dinners and drinks as well. This is a people’s business.

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How gross and controlling.

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“My husband is attempting to keep me from doing a completely normal part of my job. Not doing this will hinder me and keep me from being successful, am I wrong for feeling controlled?” Honey you are feeling controlled because he is attempting to control you. This is so far past healthy and normal. I get it that our culture has normalized behavior like his, but this is a wake up call to re-examine your relationship dynamics and think about if there are other ways he exerts control over you.

likesmart

Have you considered counseling as a space to discuss this and having a neutral 3rd party?

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This is absolutely controlling.

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I just don’t understand the people saying this is too far, but outlawing “drinks and dinner” would be okay, or saying that this is controlling “because of our profession.” Y’all, this is controlling regardless! Relationships are built on trust and respect for the other person’s judgment. Implicit in all of those limitations is the idea that if someone were to flirt with you at dinner or whatever, it would be your fault for going and you would cheat. For ex, I don’t care if someone flirts with my husband (except that it’s disrespectful to me if they know he’s married), because I am not at all worried that someone flirting would cause him to cheat or be inappropriate? Like, are y’all not allowed to have guy friends? This just seems so archaic and so many of these responses seem rife with insecurities/internalized misogyny. We deserve better from our partnerships, people!

likeupliftingsmart

Absolutely agree. I remember having this type of controlling mentality (like the author’s hub) when I was 18ish and very insecure. It’s such an unhappy place to be, for both parties! So happy I grew out of that stage and realized that if a person wants to cheat, they will. It’s not my job to keep them from cheating on me and I’m not about to waste my energy worrying/arguing about it.

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Super controlling, especially in this profession. If he needed to network in his profession, I’m sure he wouldn’t be okay with you placing these arbitrary restrictions on him. This is a male dominated field. He needs to get on board.

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Good luck with your divorce. Insecure men are not it.

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I am a solo and have coffee and lunch and breakfast meetings with men and women. If I didn’t network, I wouldn’t be able to sustain my business. I feel fine being in a public setting where if things take a poor turn, there are people there I can turn to to assist with extrapolating myself from the situation. However, I have been having this meetings for years and have never had that issue come up. I do text the address of where I will be meeting someone to my husband for safety purposes in case I don’t make it home so he knows where to start looking, but that is more a thought of “what if I get in a car accident on the way home.” I typically also tell him who I am meeting with and what their networking potential is, but his eyes glaze over at that kind of talk. He has zero issues with this process. I think he was a little nervous at first, but he knows I can be loud and vocal if needed and take care of of myself.

likesmart

That is very controlling and my husband could not care less who I see or when I see them.

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He brought up the “me too” movement — how men take advantage of women under the guise of business, and that I shouldn’t be naive into thinking men solely want to network with me.

likefunny

This is gaslighting and there is so much wrong with this reasoning. He can’t seriously think a man is going to sexually assault you in public over lunch. If that happened, is he insinuating it would be your fault because you “put yourself in that situation” by agreeing to meet and were “naive”? Also, does he think the only reason a man would want to spend time with you is for sex?

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Run!

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Does he take meetings with women?

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I hope things have gotten better OP. I would be curious to know a bit more about your SO meeting with women who are interested in his job. Were these job interviews? I have quite a bit of experience defending construction companies and with this field and this sounds very odd to me - especially considering construction is an overwhelmingly male-dominated industry.

I could understand if it was for one one one drinks or dinner at a nice restaurant...but no lunch?? Telling you to limit it to 30 minute coffee meetings? That’s a red flag.

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What’s his explanation for that? Because that’s nuts. You need zero reason to have lunch with a former colleague and current peer. I’m not networking and I’m having lunch this week with a former colleague who is male. It doesn’t mean anything romantic. I’m married with a baby. He’s recently married and just bought a new home. Even if he was single, that would be irrelevant. How is your husband going to feel about you taking on and meeting with clients who are men? Is he going to expect you to turn down income because he is insecure? Sounds like y’all need to have a little couples counseling followed by your husband doing his own counseling to figure out how to deal with his insecurity/controlling mentality.

likesmart

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Not crashing anymore.

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Yeah you're right. It cuts after two lines instead of expanding.

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But once again not posting

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Maybe we should implement something like automatic posts refresh? I got a notification about "someone like mypost" but it isn't displaying at the post title...

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Not seeing any other posts!

Looking good! Create post animation looks great too and so does the character count!

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What monster of a client schedules a one hour in-person meeting on a Friday afternoon??

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Starting at a new firm in a few weeks. I'll be switching to a different role and market. Any general pointers on how I can prepare myself for the switch?

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Does Deloitte offer year end bonus?

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What's your stance on listening to music on headphones while on client site and / or your mgr is around?

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Regional model - do they actually hold you to that during staffing? My project team seems to be from all over but didn’t know if this was unique.

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I see a lot of people post about long term relationships. My wife and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary today. We've been poor, house poor, poor again, middle class, upper middle class and now well to do. We've had many of the problems you would expect over time, multiple careers, lived in 8 states, and raised two children. It is hard, wonderful, worthwhile and doable. I hope everyone here gets as lucky as we have been.

likeupliftinghelpfulsmart

Offered an industry job. 15% more,15% year end bonus, 401k matching. 100% Work From Home. 0% travel. Never have to worry about utilization again. Am on bench, idk for how long, jump at the chance?

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Consultant-speak is so bullshit, say it in a way so your client actually understands what you mean.

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Anyone else is having the same feelings? I don’t want to work today . I would rather go fishing, golfing 😂😂

likefunny

I see you hustlin boo

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likefunny

What consulting buzzword or phrase do you want to go away in 2020? Mine’s “on point.” 🙄🤢

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