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This is not normal for me. And my husband does not behave this way. I have never had to tell him. He has always been available when my family is around. Honestly, I would be so mad if he does this. I understand putting on headphones and working but getting food just for himself that’s just plain disrespectful according to me. Honestly, i would have a convo but if he does not change his behavior i would do the same when we visit his family. I am a tit-for-tat girl!
Also, I don’t think this is acceptable in any culture. Assuming if you are coming from different cultures.
@Deloitte 2, I definitely would disagree about all cultures of the world 🤷🏽♀️
Rising Star
Hmm I’ve been married 10 years so my in laws truly feel like my parents that I no longer need to impress. If I need to work, I work. If I want to nap, I nap…
That being said, I make sure to engage when appropriate. Breakfast and dinner at the table, sit and watch sports or whatever…ask them questions etc etc.
So I guess I’m somewhere in between you and your husband!
I have been married for 2 years, live in for 4 years and dating one year. With my in laws, i am the same as you are with yours. No major impact in my schedule. Sometimes, they make breakfast too. Chat with them, take a nap, plan something for the weekdn or take them out. And so is my husband. He would be available, adjust his schedule to do so - be there at dinner table, talk to my parents after dinner until late nights.
Also, is his interaction with his family the same? Does he isolate himself this way when his family is around and you are more involved when your in laws are there in the house? If that’s the case he might need some mentoring around this.
Is your husband an introvert and are you an extravert? Not saying this is an excuse but for my husband it took him some time to warm up. There's a cultural difference between our families so at first I had to explain how it's not polite in mine—however, it took a little bit until he didn't feel drained so quickly and could interact with my family with jokes and all 😊
I have a large and boisterous family. My brother in law can only take small doses of my family at a time. When my sister first got married, he was only really around us for about an hour, even in his own house, he would spend a little time and then go up to his office. Now after 20+ years it’s a lot better. He’s great with one or two people only.
Is it possible your husband is very uncomfortable and behaving that way, to get himself through the visit?
This!!!! I've seen a shift in my husband and I think it's comfort/adjusting to culture. 😊
How was his interaction with your family prior to you all getting married?
Rising Star
I am your husband with my in-laws. They are always in packs, gossipy, have unwritten rules I don’t know, and generally imply I’m not meeting their expectations of what a wife and mother should be. So I disengage. I am also an introvert.
I would also ask what do you do to actively involve him in your family activities when he’s there? If you expect him to be more involved, be direct and make it easy for him.
This was part of why my former partner and I separated. His idea of family and what spending time with them meant was so drastically different from mine, in very similar ways to what you’re describing. For a while I thought it was my issue - I was too dependent on my family for my happiness, or too comfortable with tradition and routines and not open enough to new experiences. Really though, I think it signified a major difference in how we value family, and that was an ongoing issue I eventually couldn’t get past. I don’t think it’s a question of “normal” or not, but I think you both need to be open to the other’s different perspective on family time if you’re going to make it good time together.
Rising Star
This is somewhat similar to me, except I’m the wife. My husbands family is great, but I’m an introvert and they are extremely loud and rambunctious. I will visit and participate in conversation to be polite, but I also know my limits. The problem is, if I step away for any amount of time, they find it offensive and disrespectful. It’s tough.
Conversation Starter
Odd to me. My husband is very present around my immediate and extended family and makes an effort. I do the same. But I recall an ex of mine who never understood why I'd hang out with family for hours. It's a cultural thing. He cant do more than like 2 hours. I also didn't like that but that was him. I needed to be with someone who can spend time with mine and not complain.
Personally I think it’s more the person and how they navigate big groups. My family is loud and with many of us, it’s overwhelming for someone coming in who was never exposed to family like that. I don’t see my BIL as rude, and he is always included in everything, he just knows his boundaries on what drains him. You have to respect that.
I personally can do the whole extended family thing and take part in everything, although when it’s over I need a lot of quiet alone time to rest.
Rising Star
It really depends on the length of the visit and what other things might be going on at the time. If my husband’s (or, hell, my own) family descends on us for a few days or more, I think it’s absolutely ok for the non-family spouse to disappear from time to time, especially if they have to deal with work issues during the week. If it’s just a meal or an afternoon/overnight visit on a weekend, it’s reasonable to expect your spouse to be present and engaged for the length of the visit, provided it’s a planned visit and not a spontaneous drop-in.
Chief
How does your husband behave in front of his family? Is he just a more introverted person who enjoys his own company, or does he only deprioritize family time around your family?
Either way, my husband is extremely introverted with social anxiety and has spent significant effort getting to know and love my family because of how important family is to me. When we vacation with my family, he will sometimes go off on his own for specific activities (but this is during a full week together), but we always have meals together and he is always engaged in conversation.
Conversation Starter
If he’s an introvert then honestly his actions sound about right. But if he’s only like this with your family, that’s sketchy. Have they done anything to make him stop trying? Or has he never put in effort in the first place?
I adore my in-laws but I’m a little introverted, so instead of constantly striking up conversation I try to find ways to help out with cooking/chores so they at least know I’m just quiet and I do like interacting with them.
I’d definitely check in to make sure your family hasn’t somehow frozen him out. My family has no respect for me because I don’t jive with their control issues, and I finally cut them out once they started choosing to make my fiancé feel like shit. He’s a sweet, social, super friendly guy — could get along with a brick wall if he needed, and my family wouldn’t acknowledge him at all.
Rising Star
No, this would not be normal for my husband. He is pretty sociable and will be in room talking and interacting with my family. Sometimes he might have to work so he in small cases he might go to another room to work, never wearing headphones. I’d be pushed if he acted the way you are describing- sounds rude!
Conversation Starter
If he’s an introvert then honestly his actions sound about right. But if he’s only like this with your family, that’s sketchy. Have they done anything to make him stop trying? Or has he never put in effort in the first place?
I adore my in-laws but I’m a little introverted, so instead of constantly striking up conversation I try to find ways to help out with cooking/chores so they at least know I’m just quiet and I do like interacting with them.
I’d definitely check in to make sure your family hasn’t somehow frozen him out. My family has no respect for me because I don’t jive with their control issues, and I finally cut them out once they started choosing to make my fiancé feel like shit. He’s a sweet, social, super friendly guy — could get along with a brick wall if he needed, and my family wouldn’t acknowledge him at all.