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Black Consultants

How to tell my child’s father that he needs to do better in certain area of his parenting style? For context, every night for the past two months, he hasn’t been able to successfully get our baby to sleep in spite of all the tips I give him. He frustrated easily (which is a huge turn off) and just becomes desensitized by her cries (which makes me want to yell at him...I bite my tongue). He’s extremely prideful Nigerian who doesn’t like to hear my opinions.

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Fellow Nigerian girl dad of 3 girls here, it’s 4 am here and I’m up taking care of our new born - I lead and mentor other young men - fathers and future fathers, so I can speak authoritatively to this. Thank you for being bold enough to ask for advice here. Fatherhood is tricky especially for new, first time fathers that have not been well mentored or groomed for all around fatherhood. Fatherhood extends beyond just provision or whatever none-sense was spewed above by ACN1. fathers and men typically mirror their fathers or other father figures in their lives. There maybe some exceptions , but the truth is the typical “first generation” nigerian man (💯if born and raised in Nigeria) may not have experienced the super nurturing, loving emotional father you’re seeking in your man, from their own father so they project their idea of fatherhood they grew up with on their own children - it’s exactly what ACN 1 is doing above and possibly what your child’s father is doing. He could also just be frustrated or anxious with the learning curve, particularly if this is his first baby - new born father frustration is a thing and a real one too - this too shall pass, encourage him it won’t last forever. TIPS 1. Genuinely be compassionate and seek to understand the root cause of his frustration - re-read the last line 👆🏽 2. Have him rock the baby and play “womb sounds” on YouTube (thank me later) 3. Have him check if baby is hungry? He should Prepare a bottle or support mum in getting comfy ahead of breastfeeding. 4. Does their nappy need changing? Is the room too hot or too cold? 5. Are they tired or over-tired? If they haven’t slept in a while try rocking them or singing to them in a dark room to get them to sleep. 6. Do they need winding? Try rubbing their tummy or lying them down and doing bicycle legs. 7. He should try walking them around and even using toys or books as a distraction 8. Dad should also take care of himself and find opportunities to blow off some steam - go to gym , go walk maybe even with mom and baby 9. Seek mentorship or find a supportive life group of young fathers . I’m VERY happy and eager to speak with him further if you like , DM me. 10. Mom, don’t take it personal - you are a champ - keep queening ! Re-read last line 👆🏽this too shall pass. Last but not the least, have him pray over your daughter - I do this daily for my children - marriage and parenting is not easy, particularly if you want excellent, Godly parenting/marriage.... but I can confidently say Jesus makes all the difference. Blessings !

likeupliftinghelpful
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🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

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Ewww...does anyone have something more meaningful to say

likefunny
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Nigerian girl in a Nigerian home right now. My dad was the exact same way - and for years my mom begged him, pleaded with him, prayed for a long time asking that God change his heart. He never changed. My mother has found peace in it now that we are all grown, but often says that she was a “married single mother” and that she’s still trying to catch up on sleep lost when we were young. I know she’s not alone in this, many of her friends would express the same - and I hope this will not be the case for you! But it’s not unique for some Nigerian men to be a little tapped out when it comes to child-rearing. Not an excuse, but not uncommon. With that, I think D1s response is spot on

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Yikes Acc1

likefunnyupliftingsmart
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I am not aware of what your experience of child caring growing up with your parents , but when you marry someone from a different culture or with a different mindset it’s a learning curve. Firstly most Nigerian kids did not grow up seeing their fathers wake up to feed the baby or rock them to sleep so it’s takes a willing one to to this and please you consistently, the African mentality is for the woman to care and nurture the kids, you will be doing yourself a huge disservice if get mad about him not getting it right, focus on the fact that he’s trying. Don’t scream or get frustrated at him, if you get very frustrated share that you are stressed and need a break, don’t blame him for why you are frustrated. Strike a deal on when you can share responsibilities so you can get some rest. He may not enjoy the Caring for the baby but he would love to see you rested and relax if the delivery is without Blame. Raising kids and caring for them is tough, and you don’t want that to come between you at all. A very simple example from experience- My days tend to be rough, so I would go to bed early wake up in the middle of the night to manage baby till morning so my wife can have a good sleep, because I know she has the baby all day, this was during her maternity leave, I was still working.. On the weekends I had the baby with me all night and all morning till maybe 1pm chilling watching soccer in a different room while she rested all weekend till 1pm. I did not enjoy at all, baby also had acid reflux and could not sleep properly after feeding, most times he slept on my chest, my joy was knowing my wife was sleeping good. I always made sure she pumped enough milk so I can manage the feeding without her. Also I understand there is Covid-19. But we got outside help like her mom or my mom for a week or 2 weeks to help both of us relax, it helps with frustration. The funny story about it is I did a better job getting our kids to sleep because my wife would get frustrated, i found a universal solution that she also adopted. No blaming, just working together. In a relationship we need to recognise our strengths and weaknesses and use them to the relationships advantage. I believe he would come around with good delivered conversations. From experience I am pretty sure he loves the baby, Nigerian men just show their love through paying for the kids needs rather than be hands on with care. It’s very cultural.

likeupliftinghelpful
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I don’t have a kid so can’t offer you tips but I think you may have better luck posting in the women’s or mothers bowl.

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He’s a good dad! It’s just stressful to be the only able to put our baby to sleep.

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You shared that he doesn’t like to hear your opinions. Is that concerning for you?

likesmart
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Fellow Nigerian here, I love my daughter to death and we do stuff together all the time. But the truth is sometimes we just can’t be as nurturing as Mommy can

likehelpful
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Fellow Nigerian here...please have a chat with him again. I know we Nigerian Men can display unnecessary pride at times but I’m hoping he’d listen to you. May God bless you guys.

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In his defense I don’t see anything wrong with letting little one cry until they fall asleep. This could just be a difference in parenting styles.

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This sounds like a symptom of something much larger. Sorry you’re going through this.

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Consulting is very outcome oriented in their feedback (e.g. “he hasn’t been able to successfully get our baby to sleep in spite of”), the same way it’s dejecting in business to hear stuff like that when you’ve already experienced the outcome it’s worse in parenting/human relationships. Have a conversation with him if you feel like it but making it about his ability to achieve a certain outcome is the wrong way to do it as he is well aware of that already

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How old is the baby?

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