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I don’t know - after 14 years of marriage, 2 kids, and lots of counseling, the message I got was we’re just different people with different priorities and while I think it’s ridiculous to leave the clothes in the dryer for a week to wrinkle (for example), it doesn’t bother him. I can either try to be more and more controlling when he doesn’t do things my way, I can do it myself, I can pay to have someone else do it, but I really can’t expect him to change. He is who he is. I find it incredibly frustrating, because I feel if I just start doing it, its the whole gender inequality issue where woman have 2 full time jobs and I want him to do his 50%. So, we’ve come to an understanding that he ALWAYS does the laundry. I haven’t run a load in years, and he knows that pretty much anything that isn’t socks or underwear should just be line dried, but certainly are times when I go to put away my clothes, and something is wrinkled beyond belief, so I put it back in the hamper.
Its funny, sometimes he gets mad because he says he “does all the work around the house.” Besides laundry, he also does the cooking (maybe 3x per week) and takes out the trash and thats about it. OMG men are so clueless. Who plans the b-day parties, the back-to-school hair cuts, the family vacations, buys the replacement XYZ thing from Amazon, schedules the XYZ person to come do whatever - you get the idea. I try to explain that I still spend way more time than he does on household activities, and he just doesn’t get it because none of those are priorities for him. If I kick the bucket, what my poor children will have to live with! I was gone for a few days for work and came home to my daughter have a horrendous knot in her hair because he had not made her brush her hair in 5 days. He said “but I told her to brush it” (and he totally believed it wasn’t his fault). She’s 4. Um - ridiculous.
Thank you for sharing your story!
We went to counseling too. My husband was convinced that I had PPD because I became extremely critical and sensitive. After $$$$, the conclusion was that the things that bothered me were just typical “male traits”. We need to find a way to compromise. 🙄
I never expected him to change. My mother warned me that men never change before getting married. So I was fully prepared to accept his absent mindedness. But I changed. After having a baby, this whole gender inequality is so blatant that I started to develop serious resentment. Similar to your husband, mine gets mad because he thinks he is doing everything (trash, dishes, occasional cooking and lawn). He also believes that he does a great job taking care of our daughter 🙄.
Sharing my story here makes me realize that so many working moms are going through the same thing. On one hand I’m glad that I’m not the only one but on the other hand this is so messed up and sad.
Best advice I can give: you cannot and do not train your spouse. You can't change him. You can only change your reaction to him. So work on that. Change the mindset to think -- wow, he did 75% of the clothes so I didn't have to do all of it. If you can't do that, it's going to be a difficult marriage -- it only gets harder with children. So focus on you. Communicate to him what would make you feel more supported, but then let it go -- work on finding gratitude for what he does do and not focusing on what isn't done. Or you'll be miserable long-term.
👏Amen👏 you said it sister.
At least back in the day we didn't have to work, had maids if we had the means, had to be wooed and at least they opened doors for us. As much as feminism has done for us, we have definitely lost out on lots.
Tell him explicitly and with as little emotion as possible (If you can’t, totally get that...pp is awful). If he doesn’t change then DONT DO IT FOR HIM. I swear he will figure out. 10 years married, 3 kids, many arguments and no lasting change in behavior until I finally ignored the mess or left his half-ass work for him he to finish and he figured it out. Now, we’re a team: everyone cleans, laundry, etc. it was HARD though because I am type A... but so very much worth it.
We have maid service biweekly. It helps a lot but still my husband doesn’t pick up after himself. I actually got feedback from the maids that we needed to provide more “open surface” for them to clean since they were not supposed to move things around and organize for liability reason . We were fine for the first couple years together cuz I tried to pick up the slacks. Now with a baby I only have enough energy to wipe one person’s butt.
I have a daughter. I’m terrified that one day she will go through the same thing I did. My mom told me that all men are like this. Isn’t this gender inequality? We now have to make money, give birth, raise kids and still pick up after the husband. Seriously? My mom did a great job teaching me how to do chores and be self sufficient. What happen to the boys?
I have four children and am the breadwinner in my house. My husband of ten years leaves the cabinet doors open, a mess when he’s left with the children, clothes in the dryer, and many other things like this. I learned a long time ago it was easier to ask him to help (or ask him to finish the job) than asking him to change. Also, sometimes I try to keep my perspective in check. Instead of thinking “ugh! He didn’t wipe down the counters when he cleaned up the kitchen!” I think “cool. All I have to do now is wipe down the counters.” Should I have to do this?? Probably not. But I don’t want to spend my marriage fighting. I want to teach my kids marriage is a partnership. And my husband loves me despite all my faults (yes...we all have them...even supermoms) and is the kindest and most giving person I know. So it’s worth the compromise.
“...but leave all the cabinet doors open” STORY OF MY LIFEEEEEE 😤
I felt the same way when I had my second child and also third child. It is hormones. I was so critical even at work. So sensitive as well but I didn’t consider it as PPD.
Me being critical never went away. I can say, you have to pick your battles. You saw the laundry in the dryer, then take it out. At least you are taking out clean clothes. He is trying to help at least. Not all men do.
I noticed that as well that my husband is bragging how he helps at home (cooking every night, cleaning, etc.) and taking care of our kids. When the bragging starts, I always remind him, I appreciate all that you do and that you take care of them but hey, this is also your house and they are your children so that’s expected. Otherwise, why are you here for. 😂
Congrats on your new baby!
My husband once asked me if I needed him to HELP me watch the baby for an hour so I can finish other chores, I lost it completely. It was two months postpartum so I was extra sensitive. I told him in tears that he was not HELPING me, she’s also your child and your responsibility. I know he didn’t mean it that way but men are so clueless and selfish sometimes. Even after becoming a parent, they still operate in that mindset for a long time.
I don’t really have advice because I think I got lucky.
After the baby I made a list of chores with my spouse and we split them in a way we both could live with. Then I just stopped worrying/caring about his side of the list. Too tired...
As long as there’s clean clothes, and clean dishes, and a clean baby, I don’t mind some wrinkly clothes and open cabinets and warped flooring.
If I walk into an open cabinet door though, Lord help him.
Mentor
Your husband cares about certain chores, most likely. Stop doing those chores and he will do them since it bothers him. For example, if he hates dishes being left overnight just don't do them. If he hates the bathroom being dirty, don't clean it. He will take care of the things he cares about being clean/tidy eventually. And definitely with a new baby you are both under a lot of stress and more work exists, so make sure to be kind to each other. If breastfeeding, ask him being you a large cup of water with straw (I got a 32 Oz one on Amazon) every time you have to feed baby and have a nice breastfeeding pillow, and ask for snacks like nuts or cheese. That way he can help with 'feeding the baby' while feeding you, and you get a few minutes to rest and eat!
I would say that this approach can backfire sometimes. Mine can be OCD about cleaning things, and then resent the fact that he did all of the chores that he compulsively likes to see done. An alternative idea is to have certain designated things each of you do, and then have other chores that you alternate on, even if it means designating certain days to it. I'll also add- try different things til you find something that sticks- if you let it remain a harping issue it can wear away at your relationship. Good luck. And enjoy your time with baby.
Ugh I feel you. Mine will wash some but not all the dirty dishes in the sink 🤦🏻♀️ ...like, really??
He also leaves a spoonful of food and tells me that he is saving it for me. How sweet.
Every husband is different, mine is also poorly educated on how to keep it clean.
I’m am just being a pester reminding him and eventually losing it (usually during periods), it helps, he is getting better. Still leaving his undies and socks exactly where he took them on, but doing laundry with no reminders. But then he organizes laundry into a big pile and don’t sort it out into closets.
I think the biggest shift happened through his SAHD years...
How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316267090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Khg.EbJ7FJXYT
This is my husband; I call him The King of 80%. This definitely irritated me more postpartum, but I ultimately considered how much of it really mattered and let a lot of it go. For the stuff that mattered (i.e. resulted in more work for me, etc.), I talked with him about it calmly and clearly (tried not to let myself get super upset and reactive in the moment) so he gained awareness to the behavior and it’s impact. Most of the time he just doesn’t realize he’s doing (or not doing) it.
Tell him exactly this. And ask him to be an adult. Husbands need tons of training. I started in marriage year 2-3 and we were functional at basics by year 5. Now he can do chores unsupervised and with a twist of complexity at year 6. Timing is still horrible, so groceries and trash are fine but if I want something fixed in the house, I better be willing to wait a year. Ultimatums help, like you have till Thanksgiving or I'm calling the gardener.
Ultimately though, you are a new momma and must be exhausted yourself and probably not have the patience to train a husband. So I'd get a maid weekly. Tell him if he stops making a mess, we can bump it down to biweekly or monthly. Also tell him the maid fees come out of his fun fund.
Just my take on it. It works wonderfully for me.
Also have your sons and daughters responsible for the same chores so that someday you aren’t handing over a totally untrained husband to your daughter in law
I have it the other way around. My husband is OCD about cleaning and not even maids can be good enough. I managed somehow pre baby but when baby came along- my priorities changed and that caused so much tension. We had to move temporarily with my mom so she could help with household work and childcare because I was losing it.
I relate to this!! Glad I'm not the only with a husband who has unrealistic cleaning expectation with little children.
Are we married to the same man????
In all seriousness, you need to explain to him why that’s not helpful and how it makes you feel as a partner. Key word here is PARTNER.
II have to remind my Husband every couple of months that him doing 1/2 a job isn’t helpful at all. And I always ask him- do you see me doing that? Wouldn’t you find that obnoxious if I did? I also say: “when you don’t contribute to the household I find myself resenting you which directly affects our relationship and our sex life.” That usually does the trick 😉
Maybe I have an accountant mindset (I’m in recruiting and not an accountant, but after being here so long, it’s basically the same), but if you explain (in simple terms) what your expectations are and why you expect them, it could be helpful. E.g “I really appreciate that you do the laundry, but if you leave it I think the dryer for more than x amount of minutes, the clothes get wrinkled, if you could take them out when the dryer is done, that would be super helpful.” I am personally the one that leaves the cabinets open, and my husband reminds me to close them. All about how you communicate. :)
Please look up the concept of emotional labor. There is an amazing comic on this issue in hereto couples.
I experienced the same exact thing. Every morning he would leave his socks and/or pants on the floor next to the bed, his steel-toe boots in random places and I'd end up stubbing my toe while tending to our baby in the middle of the night (because he hardly ever woke up), the toothpaste cap open in the bathroom, not flush the toilet, not pick up anything he dropped on the floor ... Okay clearly I still have a list in my head and it's been over 3 years. It was so annoying and somehow we're still together. I tried a couple of things, first instead of telling him off, I ASKED him if he noticed he was doing these things and why? Led to a more neutral conversation and an awareness of things. I decided to take pictures of all the things he did that annoyed me (see list above) and fix things, kind of like the broken window theory and now we're pretty tidy. At some point I did lose my mind and yelled about it but felt ridiculous doing so. There are so many bigger problems out there, him helping 80% is only taking 20% of my effort to make whole. He will never do things 100% the way you would have and that's okay. He'll do what he can, maybe learn? But I'm not holding my breath on that lol. If I want it done a certain way, I do it. If I want help, I'll let him to part and I'll finish it. There are certain tasks I'm not fond of that he does (maybe on a quarterly basis) like folding laundry (we'll take turns), sweeping (we bought a Roomba I suggest a model that maps your room to not miss any spots) and mopping (he does a full deep Bissell clean of the home).
I remind myself I'm grateful to have help, take pictures to laugh at in the future (sometimes send evil reminders to him that I'm flushing his shit) and as 20th century philosopher, Esla said "let it go" <3
Mentor
Tbh it sounds like he is trying to help, but unable to complete things. Sit down and talk with him. It may help, since we can't have guests anyway, to print a detailed list of steps (example: bath baby, washcloths in the dirty clothes bin, towel hung up) and put up where he is doing the task so he sees it and doesn't forget. Sounds more absent minded than anything. Please talk to him before doing it, rather than putting up the signs passive aggressively. If you work together it can include puns or inside jokes, and even if he forgets sometimes is a clear indicator that he is trying to do better
Mentor
Op: it sounds like you're having a very tough time and running on little sleep. However, pretty much everyone has trouble allocating chores once a little one is involved. What I recommend is: go one week ignoring the chores he does halfway. Clothes are wrinkled one week? OK. All dishes dirty and you eat on plastic one week? Fine. This is if you truly think he is intentionally doing this, to show you won't finish his chores for him. However, it is much more likely he is doing this unconsciously, or without thinking. Men are often automatically unable to internalize that a baby means double the housework, which means they need to start taking things on from start to finish. I highly recommend you get a yummy dessert for the two of you, sit down, ask him for solutions as well as offering some yourself , don't discount his ideas out of hand, and work something out together. Marriage takes work!