I (30F) have been dating a great guy (35M) for two months and he checks all of the boxes. We see each other 3-4 times a week and have established we are exclusive. I found out a few days ago (from him) that he is secretly a smoker and has no plans to stop. He’s never smoked around me, and I have never smelled cigarette odor.

Smoking is a dealbreaker for me. What’s the move here? Do I end things, or am I being too picky?

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What about pot? Is it ok if he just smokes pot? That's cool and really trendy now.

funnylike

This exact same thing happened to me - I was really upset and we sat down and talked about it and he agreed to switch to vaping if it would make me feel better. We went to the vape shop on the way home that day and he has never looked back. Ultimately, if it’s important to you then he should consider your feelings if he wants to be in your life long-term. I will admit that I wouldn’t have broken up with my boyfriend if he refused to quit smoking, but his response did cement in my mind that we make a good team and that he is willing to make sacrifices if it’s important to me. This was about 2 years ago and we’re getting married this summer so it all worked out for the best 🥰

likeuplifting

VP 2 - assuming the vape “juice” is manufactured by a reputable source and purchased from a reputable vendor, all of the additive ingredients (in addition to nicotine) in currently available vape products are approved by the FDA as “generally recognized as safe” (GRAS) for human ingestion (propylene glycol, vegetable glycerin, flavoring). This compares to cigarette smoke, which is known to have over 7,000 chemicals, more than 70 of which have been linked to cancer. While the long term effects of inhaling the GRAS chemicals in vape products is unknown, the vast majority of experts agree that, while vaping is not a healthy alternative to smoking, it is less harmful than smoking for those who would otherwise be smoking cigarettes.

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I am confused, is it a dealbreaker or not? If yes, break the deal. If not, live with it. If he said he has not intention of stopping don’t plan on him stopping.

likesmart

If you haven’t noticed anything, how big of a deal can it really be?

likefunnyhelpful

I watched my dad die from smoking at 59 (lung cancer and emphysema; he’d had heart disease too)

likehelpful

Being too picky is the option I would choose.

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Say this moves on to a marriage situation...you’ll be around him a lot more and his smoking habit will then be something he does at home (even if it’s outside and doesn’t smell). Eventually you’ll hide your distaste for it as long as you can until you implode. Unless on the rare chance you’re an individual who can say you’re fine with ignoring something you’ve said for years was a deal breaker, and actually drop it.

Not worth it.

likesmart

It’s astonishing to me how few people realized this. “If you didn’t notice yet it’s no big deal.” 🤨. Use some critical thinking here, folks.

If this goes on, they eventually live together, and do you really think he will smoke outside every single time? No way. And even if he does, he will bring it inside in his clothes and skin and hair. And you’ll have butts in your trash and around your yard. Not to mention in cars, etc.

It’s a total dealbreaker for me.

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Helluva deal breaker tbh

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It starts out small with them not doing it in front of you, until one day they do “because we’re family,” and then progresses to “I deserve to relax in my own home, damnit,” and culminates in “it’s really YOUR problem for being a nag, not mine.” Then they quit, briefly, only to eventually start up again and the same cycle repeats over and over for the rest of your lives.

likefunny

Buy him a Juul and see if he’ll compromise lol

likehelpful

So so bad for your lungs, tho. The x-rays show the smoker’s lungs get like Swiss cheese. I would not support that.

I mean I wouldn’t be happy if my wife started smoking but no way I would divorce her over it.

likefunny

I guess I’m assuming that no smoking would take place inside the house or vehicles. The smell and destruction of the smoke would probably change my mind 😂

Also if you don’t smell nothing on him you might have covid 😜

funnyhelpful

Usually people don’t date smokers because of the smell/etc. If you hadn’t noticed, who cares? Unless you’re worried for his health, in which case that’d be something to work on?

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What overall image?

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I don’t think this should be an issue.

At 30, if you think you’ve found a guy who checks all the boxes, don’t let his occasional smoking habit affect a lifetime of happiness and fulfilment.

My wife hates smoking, and I occasionally smoke. I only smoke before I brush my teeth in the morning or when we’re out drinking and I come back and take a shower.

Both times, I won’t be getting extra close (like kissin) to my wife. I only do so after brushing my teeth or after taking a shower.

As long as he doesn’t smoke multiple times a day and his home smells like cigarettes, this shouldn’t be a deal breaker for you. Also, ask him if he plans to quit, most of them do, and you can help him on this journey, like my wife is currently helping me. Don’t just give up cause of one bad habit, we are have these.

The others here who are rooting for you to break up are single and will probably be so for a long time.

likeuplifting

The most thought out, non-judgemental answer. Kudos to you Sc1!

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“Smoking is a dealbreaker for me”

So … break the deal. Otherwise, it’s not a dealbreaker.

likefunny

Former smoke here who was on the other side of this convo before myself when I was his age. I’m guessing here, but when he says he “has no plans to stop”, what he means is he has no plans to be compelled to stop by someone else. If it’s super duper important to you that he stops on a plan that you countenance that’s one thing. Otherwise, I’d suggest that most rational people know that smoking is intrinsically bad, smoking when it upsets someone you love is possibly worse, and in the end it will work itself out.

likesmart

Dealbreaker.

Many great comments above about the smoking aspect. But I would also be concerned about honesty - did he know it was a dealbreaker and that’s why he hid it from you? Was there another reason? Lying about something is never a great sign, especially if it’s a frequent habit. I would have a conversation with him about that as well if you’re planning to stick around.

likehelpful

Persuade him to switch to cigars: classier, less frequent, and you don’t inhale.

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I smoked for 10+ years before I even met my wife, so hard for her to come right out and say it’s a dealbreaker. I knew it was an issue though and I wanted to quit anyway so came up with a deal....

We were engaged for one year, and I promised to be a done smoking by our wedding day, and I did it. There was a positive goal I needed to push me over the edge to finally quit!

Now, she also knows over time I’ve had probably 10 cigarettes in the 10 years we’ve been married now. Randomly out drinking, out with old friends, extreme stress and just need a cigarette from anyone so I don’t lose my mind and it’s never been an issue. She knows it’s a hard habit to quit, she just didn’t want to be married to a full-time committed smoker and I get it, I HATED smoking even though I couldn’t stop. That’s what nicotine does to you

likeuplifting

If you've never noticed it, I can't see how it's a problem. Regular smokers really smell of nicotine no matter how they try and disguise it (clothes, hair, apartment, and definitely when kissing) so either you have no sense of smell at all or it happens infrequently. Given how difficult it is to find a SO, seems a trivial reason to break up.

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It’s a dealbreaker for me bc I grew up with, and still occasionally suffer from, a severe respiratory illness. I just cannot get over doing that to yourself. Not getting air is so scary. And life without enough oxygen is so much harder than you can imagine. Everything is exhausting. Your lungs hurt. It’s so head-in-the-sand to pretend smoking is fine- It’s willfully signing up for health risks, higher insurance premiums, and generally worse health and fitness in older age. It’s not just lung cancer! Ex smokers suffer nerve damage that can cause chronic pain (my dad has this- from smoking- his mobility is severely impacted), COPD (mil has this, she’s out of breath all the time, gets chronic bronchitis and pneumonia and can’t walk far), swallowing and aspiration issues (fil had these issues and then a stroke...which smokers are at higher risk of)...and many more things that don’t kill you but make life pretty hard to enjoy to its fullest.

People are living longer. And my goal is to live long and WELL. Smoking chips away at the WELL part in so, so many ways. So,sure, lots of 80 year olds who smoked and avoided lung cancer, yep. But count up a host of other issues that could have been avoided if they simply chose not to inhale chemicals and it’s just a plain old dumb choice.

likeupliftingsmarthelpful

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