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Chinese Canadian F here - I have talked to my grandmother less than 10 times my entire life because I’m a girl. I have put crushing pressure on myself to prove to family members what I’m capable of - to be better than a boy they could ever ask for, to be exact.
Parents are supportive, which is good. I have found cutting off contact or reducing contact as much as possible a good approach. I mean you are your own individual. Unless you are financially dependent on your family you are free to make your own decision.
If you feel this filial obligation that I do but still want to show resistance - do stuff that will save face (e.g. money in parents bank account) but reduce other activities (contact). Worked wonders with my relatives but you have to stand the emotional burden
Very inspirational background - I can’t imagine having to prove that you would be better than a boy just to please your family’s biased view on women. Thanks for sharing!
Cutting off contact is what I am trying to do too. Sadly my dad would try and guilt me by saying things like, your grandma and grandpa are talking about you a lot and they are very old, you should talk to them more. But I know damn well if I were a girl they would not want to speak with me. (Just like how they don’t speak with my female cousins). But as an Asian the familial obligation is very real. I guess I’ll just have to figure out how much contact I can tolerate without hurting my own well being.
Just marry an awesome black girl and explode their brains
Lol my grandparents are very uninformed about race. They are from rural China so they don’t know the racial conflicts.
It does make me wonder if I should bring back a boyfriend (as a M myself) though just to let them know the bloodline ends here.
Rising Star
I’m a Korean female with little brother and I understand your pain. When my mom found out that I was a daughter she was given pressure to give me up since I would’ve been the second daughter and my grandparents really wanted a son. And we finally got our golden boy to carry the family bloodline and my little bro gets so much pressure from my grandparents to succeed.. feel bad for him. For example, I chose to not get married and not have kids and my grandparents don’t really care (although they give me the looks😂), but for my brother to do the same they would throw a fit 😂 I’ve given up trying to change my grandparents, but with my dad It got a little better for me when I had a really honest conversation with him. Your family loves you so take advantage of that :) ex. I let my dad know that no matter what I will always love him so please don’t be hurt or offended by what I say, but I also let him know that when he says certain things it really hurts me and makes me feel distant from him.
Also Are your parents in the US? It might help if they are in the US and got a chance to learn / see the gender equality in the US..
Oh man - I hope you’re checking in with your little bro, seems like he’s under a lot of pressure.
Yeah it’s weird that grandparents think like that (especially grandmas, like do they believe they are inferior to other men?) good on you for having a dad who understands though! My dad went back to China and it’s hard to get my point across when a large population around him thinks like that.
This may sound harsh, but you have to live your own life. You're not dependent on them anymore. Set boundaries. Respect needs to work both ways or else it will result in a lifetime of resentment.
My family’s sexist views make me wish I was born a girl just to stick it to them. I also wish that I was less put together (maybe an addict of some sort) so they have nothing to be proud of. Have you experienced similar things? How did you deal with it?
Enthusiast
Agree that sexist attitudes suck majorly.
But it sounds like there’s more than the usual stuff going on here (I wish I was a drug addict) that you should probably unpack and get to the bottom of. The right therapist can help you.
Good luck!
Chinese M here. Luckily, my parents are not old traditioned and wanted a boy to carry the bloodline. My grandfather used to threaten me that he won’t put my name in his will because I don’t have a son at the time. I always had to end the conversation by telling him that is his money so he can do whatever he want with it. One of the disadvantages being an Asian male is that most of the people in my hometown believe that the groom’s family should pay for everything. My parents had to pay for my entire wedding and all the cash gifts we collected during the wedding reception was given to my in-laws. On top of that they had to pay my in-laws 500,000 rmb as 禮金for marrying their daughter.
That’s a thing? Oh shirt lol
M31 Chinese here, so refreshing to hear people here saying they don’t want kids ..all my cousins have like 2-3 kids..they all grew up in the US too. I am the youngest.. I still can’t figure out how to tell my parents my wife and I don’t want kids... just don’t see the point...
Interested why no kids
Technically the blood line doesn’t die out, only the name does. My father never put pressure on me to have a son and I actually wanted a daughter (got one!) and he’s the one asking for me to visit with her so he’s definitely not very traditional. Technically my entire branch of the family name goes with me since my cousin isn’t having kids and I’m not having anymore.
Enthusiast
Technically it goes with your daughter, assuming she has your last name.