{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I am an idiot and you can tell me that. But I need advice to help the problem I caused.\n\n\nMy husband isn't talking to his brother, or is at least avoiding him, because his brother has been treating his mom horribly and is also following Trump's guidance on Covid. It's too much for my husband to take in, and he's pretty conflict-avoidant.\n\nBrother's wife messaged me saying brother knows my husband is mad, why? I said (cont)", "post_id": "5fbbe5ad34f65f0022e9831f", "reply_count": 33, "vote_count": 2, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }

I am an idiot and you can tell me that. But I need advice to help the problem I caused. My husband isn't talking to his brother, or is at least avoiding him, because his brother has been treating his mom horribly and is also following Trump's guidance on Covid. It's too much for my husband to take in, and he's pretty conflict-avoidant. Brother's wife messaged me saying brother knows my husband is mad, why? I said (cont)

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My family likes to put people in the “middle”. We call it “triangluation.” I have a strict policy, I only talk to the person I want to talk to and not through others. That means I listen to all and say, “interesting, I’m sure person x would like to know you are concerned. Have you spoken with them?” Or “mom, if you want them to know about your (thoughts, feelings, concerns) tell them directly. I’m not telling (person a).” I get caught up and forget once in a while, but I get burned and then only focus on one person at a time. Always remember your primary person, what would they want. Good luck! Agree this will blow over.

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Agree! This is wise, I need to tell myself this more often :)

I can see both sides. Firstly lesson for the future, ur sil sounds like she likes to create drama, don’t fall into the trap next time. Have a direct conversation with your husband and lay your cards on the table about why you did this...Mayb it was to improve their relationship, help their mom whatever reason it was that you wanted to help. Then apologize. You didn’t intend for him to feel this way or the situation to go down the way it did. You also don’t support SIL’s actions. Close by telling him you always were and are on his wide and here on out you will have an open conversation about such things

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FWIW, I don’t think you did anything wrong or I wouldn’t do. The context you provided were valid; so not sure what your husband is mad. Perhaps he is a bit passive? Or may be trying to protect you? Not sure. Anyway, if this how he is, I would value his concerns and next time don’t get in the middle of this. If anyone ask, you should either ignore or tell them to talk to him.

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Thanks for the recommendation! What is the IL board on babycenter? I don't really know what any of those things are!

The suspense is killing me 😱

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Omg it was one minute 😂 DETAILS HAVE COME!!

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You didn’t do anything wrong. Just apologize to your husband and get his perspective on how he wants to handle it. SIL does sound like a drama Queen. Mine is the same. Just ignore, disengage and be polite.

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My husband and I have a rule that we each deal with our own families. I will occasionally call or text his family, but he handles the majority of the interactions. Now, I will give my husband my opinion on his family's interactions, but as long as they don't negatively affect our kids, I'm happy to let him handle as he sees fit. You made a mistake, but I bet you'll never make that mistake ever again!

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I've been pushing my husband that way. This also means conflicts or any difficult conversations (i.e. we're not flying for Thanksgiving this year) get pushed off until late or never addressed.

(cont) that my husband values the relationship, but he's been frustrated recently with the way the brother handles their mom and Covid, so I'd really recommend them to have an open conversation so that my husband can say things directly. Brother's wife messaged my husband this morning being super defensive about the things I'd said, explaining why they treat the mom horribly and that they do wear masks even though they don't think Covid is important or that masks work. Now my husband is mad at me for talking to brother's wife. I know I shouldn't have said anything. I was trying to help by giving context. But now my brother in law's wife is mad at our family (to be fair, she gets mad at everyone in the family a lot, so I guess it's just our turn) and my husband feels I betrayed his confidence (which is semi-fair). How should I respond to minimize future damage?

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This sounds like too much drama for a small issue! Husband and you need to get on the same page.

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This too will blow over...

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Ugh I’m sorry it sounds like your SIL is the type to orchestrate a three way call attack a la mean girls. I personally don’t think you did anything wrong, but now you know that your SIL is out to stir the pot and may have ulterior motives when trying to get “info” out of you. I’d chalk this up to a lesson learned and just let your husband know you’re sorry how things turned out (because to reiterate I don’t think you did anything wrong) and you’ll be more discreet when speaking with SIL about these kinds of matters in the future.

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Thank you!! I appreciate the support. At least I don't feel like my part of the mistake was as big as I thought it was a few hours ago!

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Follow up: Did two things 1) talked to my sister in law. Said I'm upset that you led a conversation with my husband by attacking things he didn't say to you. It would have been better to open any conversation with him by asking something open ended the way you did to me, i.e "I feel like there's something off, anything I can do to help?", as I suggested in our chat. I also told you that what I said was a hypothesis only, and also that the brothers should talk, since it's their conflict not ours. She was super defensive that we just didn't understand her situation and shouldn't judge their response to the mom or Covid, and I was like, ok, agree we're not in your situation, I'm sorry if anything came across as judgy since that was not my intent, I probably should have called you instead of having the text convo to clarify anything, the intent was only to provide context for the brothers to have an open conversation. She said but your husband doesn't respond if there's a conflict! And I was like, k, then don't lead with a conflict. If you want to know what he's thinking, ask him in an open-ended way without being defensive or jumping to assumptions because otherwise he will just shut down. We talked for a while after that and she's doing better (probably still miffed, but not messaging my husband, so I call that a win) 2) talked to my husband. Was very clear I did not share anything he had told me in confidence and my intent was just to provide context so his brother could have that in mind when he asked him if anything was wrong. I'd asked brother's wife to support that but she didn't and I made a mistake by trusting her to deal with the information in the way I asked her to. If she or anyone else messages me again about his relationship with someone else I will tell them to talk to him directly and also let him know so that he can deal with it. He *seems* to be ok with that, but I also know that, being conflict-avoidant, he may not want to continue any conflict even if he's still upset - I'll have to prove this out in practice a few times to show him I'm doing better. Thanks for your input! Appreciate you telling me I'm not *as* big of an idiot as I felt right then. Wish she didn't cause conflict like this in our family as much, but if wishes were horses... So just gotta deal with the situation as is. (Speaking to people calling her a drama queen: since I've joined the family ~6 years ago at least once a year she unilaterally announces that her family will be leaving the family because we all treat her and her family so terribly, and near as I can tell her husband just pretends nothing happened and still hangs with his family until she rejoins family chat & get togethers without saying anything. Feel like this isn't a long-term sustainable model, but maybe that's just me?)

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Mmm ignore her if u can. I call my SIL out, organically in conversations and she doesn’t like it. Such people are looking for attention, special treatment, someone to beg them to stay or come back. There are no allegiances to be made with them. Ignoring irks them more than anything

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Your husband needs to man up. If he feels that his brother is putting their mother in danger, he needs to speak up. You didn’t do anything scandalous. You even made a helpful suggestion. Your SIL is dramatic, your BIL is self-centered. As far as your husband...Let him pout, he’ll be fine by the time the turkey is done.

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Again, your husband needs to man up and sort this out. If I’m not mistaken, your husband’s brother wasn’t wearing a mask. Honestly, it’s all too dramatic. You did your part, your intentions were good, now back out of it and let him pout until he’s ready to communicate - like couples should. It’s his family, so let him work it out. Only so much you can do with adults, especially parents and in laws.

Apologize to your husband, but it’s very reasonable what you did. She reached out to you directly and put you on a bad position. Next time ask your husband if he’s ok with what you’re saying. It will pass. I see why he would be upset specially if he’s a less open person but you had good intention and that counts!!!

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