{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I am getting super anxious about marriage. I’m a classic type A person who went to an Ivy League school, did consulting and managed to pivot to asset management. I almost married my now doctor college", "post_id": "5d4207eff9d6000021fcd324", "reply_count": 46, "vote_count": 3, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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I am getting super anxious about marriage. I’m a classic type A person who went to an Ivy League school, did consulting and managed to pivot to asset management. I almost married my now doctor college

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Stop living for others- life’s success isn’t defined by all the labels you just listed. You can have it all in tenfolds, but as they say- comparison is the thief of joy. As some have advised- do speak to a therapist if you can. I have an issue where I always think my partners are never good enough after some time. In the beginning they can do no wrong, then it’s nothing but comparing them to an ideology that’s unrealistic- and honestly? it’s a form of defense mechanism to create distance and ensure I always have an excuse to bail. Deep down- I’m aware it’s an issue of not accepting myself, so I’m staying single and working on it. It’s honestly been exhausting and even cost me a marriage to a good guy. Dig deep and try to figure you first.

likeupliftingsmarthelpful

I was also worried, but I started pouring myself into what I loved - traveling, reading, writing, and tech. Each time I met someone who was dishonest or bringing me down, I let them go. Cried and talked to my therapist and pretty much just told myself ‘Someone or something better is coming to me.’ Just before I turned 30. Literally, a few weeks before my birthday, met an awesome person who makes me feel joy, appreciated, cared for... We aren’t engaged, but I’m not worried. We communicate well and are enjoying this time together. OP, I tell you this not to brag, but to share hope. DON’T give up. You’re okay. It’s going to be okay. You are a brilliant amazing person who will find the things that match the energy you put out. You’ll find someone. Maybe you’re not getting married next year, but you CAN find a companion. Don’t rush, the right things in their right time.

likeuplifting

SC1, It was in NYC and at a weekend one celebrating earth day so it was actually after all the dancing that we talked because they had panelists and things like that. Otherwise there’s not usually a lot of opportunity to talk at daybreaker in my opinion.

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You need to chill out. Everyone’s path is different. There is probably an Ivy League guy doing the freak out also and once you find each other you will create your spreadsheet for your life and will be blissfully happy. Just chill.

likefunny

And create more Ivy League anxious freak out kids and that is the circle of life...😈

likefunny

OP, I mean this genuinely and in a nice way. Go to therapy. It will help

likehelpful

Try EMDR. It’s awesome.

I found myself alone at 30 after being cheated on in a decade long relationship. I feel your pain. Don’t lower your standards, but think about your standards and what they mean to you. My current SO is amazing. I have 3 degrees, he has one. I make quadruple what he makes. You have to decide what’s important to you. Is it money and status? Is it a man that treats you really well bc you already make enough on your own that you don’t need him to be as rich/successful?
There are wonderful men out there. They may not be bankers, consultants, lawyers, or doctors, but they can still be compassionate, smart, nurturing, and supportive.
Good luck, and yes, go to therapy. I did during and after my breakup. And it helped. A lot.

likehelpful

^THIS. My longtime bf doesn’t necessarily fit the “profile” I (or my friends and family) had imagined or dated during college. He went to a state school, wasn’t as well traveled, yadda yadda. I make multiples of what he does now but it doesn’t matter, because he is my biggest supporter, is so considerate, and keeps our home life from falling to pieces. Everyday I think about how lucky I am to have him in my life, and we laugh that he was actually the real catch. Don’t be so quick to judge or write off potential partners who don’t fit your ideal mold - there are some amazing men out there that you may be missing out on!

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You may want to think about why someone’s career matters to you. If they’re a good person, does it matter if they went to a good school or have a super high paying career? I get meeting living expenses but beyond that, who they are deep down will matter significantly more in the end.

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There’s no ideal timeline or schedule. My mom got married at 35 (met my dad at 33/34), and I like to think my dad is pretty great 😊. Just keep putting yourself out there! Easier said than done but I feel like it’s worth it

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Oh and then has 3 more kids

I think everyone on here have standards... standards is a good measure to let you know if something is even worth your time.
However, i think your idea to keep up with the jonases/your friends are clouding your judgement and you may actually be missing out on finding a good catch.

I think everyone would benefit from therapy, and it may help you untangle some of your emotions/anxieties.

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Bf but that bastard cheated on me. Now I’m 28, my standards are high AF and I am getting super anxious that I’m falling behind schedule. I heard all the good ones get swooped up in their 20s and now I’m nearing the end of my 20s. I freak out, go on dating apps, don’t think anyone is good enough and start to think I will end up single with no kids. Someone help me. How do I stop myself from thinking that I am an undesirable loser

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Principal 1, this is inspiring. Thanks so much for this!

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The only thing you seem to be on schedule for is a starter marriage and subsequent quickie divorce with a side of more cheating and drama. Most cheaters don’t do it just once. You want to marry someone you now know you can’t trust because you’re on a self-imposed timetable?

Girl, please. Keep your standards high AF. You’re worth it. Your partner, however, is not.

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Ugh I didn’t get married until 31 to an incredible man who never cheated on me and values me as a person and not for my career. I didn’t know I was such a behind schedule loser😩😩😩😩

funnylikeuplifting

Single with no kids and never been happier in my life (35)

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Thanks everyone - I’ll go to therapy. It seems like what I’m missing is patience. I should be glad that I’m learning the value of patience now, not later.

Truth be told I focused on task oriented "self improvement” which involved waking up at 6 am and working out every day, twice if I got off before 8 pm, taking the CFA, volunteering on weekends and now studying for the GMAT (even though I don’t really want to go to MBA.... I just want another test, a goal and another accomplishment). I did them deliberately so that I wouldn’t have to soul search because that takes time and there’s no deadline....

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To create distraction and validation, which OP is aware of. It takes a lot of willpower and courage to allow space for conscious thoughts, most people are in continuous cycles of distraction. Whenever OP is ready- she will learn to be alone with herself and her thoughts.

Funny that you mention type A, Ivy League consultant, asset manager and person with high standards along with feeling like a loser in same post.

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You mention two issues- thinking you are undesirable and not thinking anyone is good enough. On the first point, read that one-sentence bio about yourself. You are a CATCH. You were in a serious relationship so you know you can handle it, and in the end he was an ass- so you dodged a bullet! Why do you think you are undesirable? On the second point, what are you looking for that you are not finding?

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Go to therapy, do a solo trip. Get out there. It doesn’t seem like you know who you really are and that’s ok as you are still young. The good one’s aren’t all taken in their twenty’s. From what I’ve seen most guys are still really immature until early 30’s. Where do you live?

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Great! I think the best way to meet someone is organically. Get involved with a lot of activities and things you wouldn’t normally do. Make a vision board of what you want your life to look like. It’s a fun activity to even do with friends (non judgmental ones). I also recommend reading this book called the soulmate secret. It really helped me when I was in the same boat.

Falling behind schedule? Whose schedule? 🧐 I must have missed that memo! 😆

In all seriousness, your self worth is not determined by whether or not someone dates / marries you, or when someone dates / married you, or even who dates / married you. And life is not a competition.

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Ngl, I had mild anxiety reading what you typed. What schedule? Life isn’t a schedule. The more you rush into things the more room for error. And you are doing amazing! SA in asset management at 28? Holy f.
Go on dating apps, put yourself out there, keep an open eye. Don’t stress out about timelines/schedule. Life isn’t a project!!

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Met my husband at 35. He is amazing - caring, fun, handsome, smart. Also has a good job. We’ve been married 10 years and very happy. There are no s schedules and the idea that the good ones are taken early it’s ridiculous. Why would they have a different problem than us when it comes to high standards? Many good ones are also waiting for their right person - and when you meet, baaam!

uplifting

You’re still very young. Don’t settle. I got married at 34, kids at 36 and 38.

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