{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I am having my first child soon and my husband refuses to get a driving license. I feel extremely unsupported in this whole journey and any advice/thoughts will be helpful.", "post_id": "6102d93218422e0028c8c4bb", "reply_count": 32, "vote_count": 2, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting" }

I am having my first child soon and my husband refuses to get a driving license. I feel extremely unsupported in this whole journey and any advice/thoughts will be helpful.

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Do men in general not feel excited about pregnancy / a baby that’s due? This behavior is peculiar. I’m from India and both my dad and older brother go above and beyond for my mom and I. Even my uncles and cousins are the same. Was this an arranged marriage? Was there ever a honeymoon phase?

Excitement and effort/responsibility are two different things. Some Men want to enjoy the time with baby without doing any grunt work. Glad to know that men in your family are so supportive. I also think this has nothing to do with arranged vs. love marriage but more about the upbringing in an Indian household where men are kept on a pedestal. Mine was a love marriage.

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Is he planning on illegally driving when he needs to get you from A to B? If he is going to treat you as a driver, he should pay you as one too. You can use that fund as your future car service reserve and emergency exit fund if needed. If there is an emotional barrier, fear or blockage, let him know it is ok to be vulnerable and share what it is, and in the absence of that it is hurting your relationship and your perception of him as a provider and a reliable partner and father

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OP, it sounds like you married a potato. Won’t clean, won’t drive, can’t have productive conversations, and probably isn’t the breadwinner if he’s an entrepreneur. Have you thought about getting some solo therapy to help you process your feelings and clarify what YOU want and need? Side note, I think you should consider hiring a cleaner so at least that’s off your plate and you don’t have to worry about harsh chemicals while pregnant.

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Your husband sounds like a loser. Do you even want to raise a child with him if he’s going to be like this?

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Great question and something I have been reflecting on since the past few days

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As a desi woman here… it’s why I stopped dating desi men. I’m over generalizing but all that hype growing up of being the man in the house and entitled makes them really crap partners

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What the hell, is he going to make you Uber to the hospital when you’re in labor ??

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Has he taken an Uber lately? I’m also in the Bay Area and they are nowhere near as reliable as they were pre-pandemic. Worst case you can call 911 and get an ambulance or have a friend on standby to drive you :(

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Can you just start visibly getting rides with another really hot guy friend 😬 Or just lay out the cost for a personal driver and ask which of his credit cards you should be charging it to

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How is this issue only coming up now? Where are you based??

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There are certainly some cultural differences at play here but this is really just unacceptable. You need to have a serious conversation with him. Being too lazy to go to the dmv to subsequently care for your child is just not acceptable.

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I literally have a friend experiencing the same thing. Boston. He has never driven. Doesn’t feel safe driving. Won’t try. She’s pretty furious too. She’s driven him around their entire relationship. Make your case by pointing out that as the child grows, there are many hours spent shitting to daycare, school, activities, birthday parties…and on and on. Parenting is a shared role. And you will need help taking the responsibility. Ask that you two work together to address the need to come before you’re both too tired to rationally express your needs and emotions on the topic. Babies come and you’re exhausted and not always able to communicate in a healthy way. Pursue the topic in therapy if you can’t navigate the situation alone.

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That’s really helpful, thank you.

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What country/city do you live in? Is it normal for people to not drive there? I’m asking because I’ve never heard of someone who doesn’t drive.

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And live in Oakland, Bay Area so well connected with Uber

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He has any issues with driving as in some phobia/fears or its just that he doesnt want to get one coz he'll have to drive in the city traffic etc? Also he never drove a car back in India ?

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True that ^

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Have your OBGYN give him a stern talking to at the next appointment since he isn’t listening to you. He needs to understand just how many appointments you and the baby will be having and you will be the patient too.

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