I am in a relationship- going on 7 years. It’s been messy and we’re struggling, not sure if it’s forever. Two years ago I fell in love with a good friend- never admitted it. He did and I cut him out to try and work on and respect my relationship. I still think about him, and feel awful and disgusted with myself. What is wrong with me. How do I move forward from this?

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Leave your current relationship regardless of what your former friend’s status is. Sounds toxic af, cut your losses and get on with your life.

likeuplifting

M

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Regarding your good friend: you created an idealized version of them in your mind. You never dated, you never went through the ups and downs of our relationship, and it's been a while since you've even had that crush. When you think about them, you were thinking about a fake person, an idealization of who you want them to be.

If you stay or leave your current relationship, don't do it based off of a fake person that lives only in your own mind.

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That might very well be true- I don’t doubt if we were to be together we would have disagreements and he sure as hell isn’t perfect. Part of my attraction to him was our “chemistry” if you will, he is someone who I could have fun with just walking around the mall or sitting in a coffee shop. He made me laugh and we agreed on the two issues my boyfriend and I struggle with, being religion and family. I totally agree that I could see him again and things may be completely different and this is a good thing to keep in mind!

smart
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Leave your current, reach out and date former friend.

likefunny

(Combined with the fact that actually, once you uncouple the two things - leaving current (which, on the brief facts, you should do anyway) and telling friend - the latter becomes less “risky” and more “nothing to lose”.)

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Maybe an unpopular opinion but realistically speaking, crazy love and passion doesn't last the long haul. In healthy relationships the feelings evolve from this to a deep seated love, respect and companionship. Sure fun and passion still ebbs and flows but it won't be the same as when you start out.

Either way you need to be honest with your partner and not waste his time if you really don't want to be with him and you feel you're compromising too much of yourself to fit with him. And especially if you've fallen in love with someone outside your relationship. But don't assume the grass will be greener 7 years down the line with someone else.

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You’ve built a fantasy in your head of your old friend. No matter what, leave your current relationship - you’ve been “in love” with an idea of someone else for two years. Quit wasting your boyfriend’s time, end it, and go experience how the grass isn’t always greener.

likesmarthelpful

As someone who’s been in a relationship going on 6 years with someone I too started dating at 18 and 19, you have to realize being “in love” comes and goes. I love my partner to death, but there a times throughout the year when we are not in love. We had a turbulent first 4 years when we were in college together and have stuck together throughout that. Some days I think about grass on the other side, but then he does something for or to me and my heart flutters and swells and I fall for him all over again. Then I couldn’t believe I considered leaving someone who loves me for all of me. Relationships are hard work and you have to make it “fun”. Are you spoiling him? Planning dates? Writing him love notes? Texting him randomly how much he means to you? Randomly putting that thang on him with a new toy? Getting drunk and having messy sex? Find new random hobbies and events to enjoy? If you don’t put in the effort to continuously fall in love you will always become bored with whomever you’re with. Also, another person made a VERY valid point, you only like the idea of the other person. It is a fantasy. Do not destroy your home for a fantasy.

likeuplifting

SC2, yes I feel that way about marriage too. I’m not going to get all philosophical about what the point of marriage is.
But I know that sometimes no matter how hard you work you cannot save your relationship for myriad of reasons. And that’s okay. There is no point in staying in unfulfilled, unhappy partnership, married or not. We only have one life and we deserve to find someone that we can make it work with.

Doesn’t really matter what I think about divorce, I would not want to shame and make another person feel guilty about their choices. No one really knows what’s going on in the relationship except for the people in it.

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I read the thread and you mentioned all is great but you aren’t feeling the passion, etc. A few people mentioned it but passion and craziness does not last forever. I thought I’d never get married because I was longing for that passion/crazy sex type and meeting ladies when I was younger. I loved the chase also, but what I realized is that once the chasing stops and you enjoy a couple of months of that passion; it goes away and the process restarts. When I decided to pursue a serious relationship I used to tell friends, you can get with Pamela Anderson but after a couple of months she’s just like any other girl (unless there’s more to it).

What I will say though, make sure you’re still attracted to your husband and have sex regularly. That’s the key as long as all other things are fine which appears that’s the case.

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Oh absolutely. The current situation is definitely being assessed regardless :/

Does your partner know about any of this?

Break things off before you waste more of each other’s time

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The heart wants what it wants. Sometimes if not most of the time, you cannot control your emotion. There’s nothing right or wrong when it comes to love. Do you, follow your heart or you keep regretting the chance you didn’t take.

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I think my issue is, the person I am with is a good person. Treats me well, good on paper, would be a good husband and father. But I don’t have that crazy wild passion. Maybe I’m asking too much. I’ve spent years trying to fit myself into a mold to be ready to spend my life with him, buy a house, get engaged. But I think I want something different- I don’t want to be in a relationship that “makes sense”- I want to be in a relationship where we are crazy for each other and the logistics come later.

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Regardless of whoever you ultimately end up with, you really need to come to terms with the fact that the “wild passion” you are missing out on will not be an indefinite, everlasting thing with anyone.

likesmart

I was in your spot. Left wife for someone younger who gave me that excitement that I felt my ex wife and I had lost.

The grass was not greener.

After about two years, a lot of cracks started showing and red flags came up to the point I had to break it off. My ex wife is now with someone else, they have a kid, and look very happy.

I'm stuck having empty one night stands and shitty short relationships with insane women from dating apps.

If I could go back in time I would have worked on us to get that spark back; as with you, everything else was great and she loved me dearly. Leaving was the worst mistake of my life.

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Dayummm deep

I actually married my best friend. We’ve been together for 30yrs now.

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OP I will tell you the perspective from your bf sides. I was him about 15yrs ago, but we were married. Thought she wanted to exact same things as me/ white picket fence, children, travel the world. But she still has feeling for he HS ex and after six years of being together and three of marriage she left me. Didn’t tell me it was about another guy…just said she didn’t think it would work anymore and we should be friends )we are not friends). Then about a month and half after every was finalized she took off to be with her ex. It’s devastated me. Now looking back I can agree we weren’t meant to be together, we were just too different. But the way she did it was terrible. My advice is to think about what you really want…and if it’s not him…let him go. It’s not fair to either of you. And yes it will hurt like hell, but in the long run it will be for the best.

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Sorry you went thru that.

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Sounds like that series - Sex/Life or something

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I thought the same thing!

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