{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I am sincerely asking for advice, not criticism. \n\nI have been w/ my boyfriend for 2 years, & I love him dearly. I have a history of being in toxic relationships. My friends call me a chaos addict. I grew up in poverty, and I’m the only one in my family who didn’t battle addiction. I was also a victim of sexual, physical, verbal, & emotional abuse from a step parent\n\nI love my bf more than anything, & I do not want to break up, but I keep fantasizing about cheating on him\n\n(Cont. in comments)", "post_id": "61a508a7a490e30034df7339", "reply_count": 5, "vote_count": 2, "bowl_id": "59d02db312fe2f0011e02215", "bowl_name": "Depression/Anxiety Talk" }

I am sincerely asking for advice, not criticism. I have been w/ my boyfriend for 2 years, & I love him dearly. I have a history of being in toxic relationships. My friends call me a chaos addict. I grew up in poverty, and I’m the only one in my family who didn’t battle addiction. I was also a victim of sexual, physical, verbal, & emotional abuse from a step parent I love my bf more than anything, & I do not want to break up, but I keep fantasizing about cheating on him (Cont. in comments)

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My boyfriend is selfless, a great listener, an amazing partner, and has all of the same values that I have. We have a mutual desire to be successful and raise a family together. That being said, I am very, very insecure and find that sometimes I fantasize about being with someone else. Let me reiterate, I do NOT want to break up with my boyfriend. And I don’t actively *want* to cheat, but it crosses my mind a lot. My bf is extremely busy with work, and I sometimes feel a little bored. I know that I want to marry him and raise a family with him, so why am I feeling this way? He is such an amazing guy. I don’t want to feel this way. I’m looking for advice on how I can rid myself of this icky desire 😢 I’m not inherently a bad person. I don’t want to hurt him, but sometimes I feel out of control.

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He is definitely the type to listen to my feelings, however, with my anxious attachment style, I worry that I will push him away or come off as too needy when I tell him I would like more quality time with him. I know he will listen and honor my wishes, but it almost feels manipulative to ask for more time, knowing how busy he is with work. Yes, I realize this is more an issue with my own communication than the relationship itself. I sincerely appreciate your advice. It was extremely insightful!

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Have you tried therapy? Self-sabotaging behaviors are often a symptom of low self worth and can be addressed in therapy. It also sounds like you feel neglected and are looking for a way to incite some kind of emotion/attention in your partner (often times we get the desire to do something primal like cheating because we don’t feel a primal desire from our partner). It also sounds like you’re laying the responsibility of keeping the relationship interesting at your bf’s feet. This is not the way. Maybe try to plan a fun event around his work schedule and give him ample space to succeed at work if needed.

@PM1 yes, I’ve been in therapy for about 12 years now. You’re right, I do feel neglected, but sometimes even when things are going really well and we’re spending time together, I think about it. It’s almost as if it’s an intrusive thought. I don’t believe I would actually ever resort to cheating…

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