{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I amicably split from my wife in Dec 2020. After two months alone I got desperate for human touch and made an OLD profile. \n\nI quickly met a lovely woman and we're FWBs I guess? We haven't defined things (no ex talk, not exclusive) but we had a great summer (camping, hiking, biking, dinners, etc.) and I could see it getting serious.\n\nProblem is I haven't told her I'm estranged but still legally married. My ex has health issues that need my insurance and I can not cut her off after 10yrs together", "post_id": "616dcdc68d2bfa0039fbc93a", "reply_count": 67, "vote_count": 9, "bowl_id": "5e8656b80bdab1002a7355dc", "bowl_name": "Confession " }

I amicably split from my wife in Dec 2020. After two months alone I got desperate for human touch and made an OLD profile. I quickly met a lovely woman and we're FWBs I guess? We haven't defined things (no ex talk, not exclusive) but we had a great summer (camping, hiking, biking, dinners, etc.) and I could see it getting serious. Problem is I haven't told her I'm estranged but still legally married. My ex has health issues that need my insurance and I can not cut her off after 10yrs together

likefunny
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I think it sounds like an important time to have a discussion on what you are to each other and where you are going in your relationship. Emphasize the fact that you’re not emotionally invested in your ex at all, and that you’re married purely out of kindness for your ex. Next you need to start thinking through what kind of go-forward plan will be acceptable to you. You can’t just stay married forever, you unfortunately have to cut the cord, but what does that look like for you? How will she ultimately support her own insurance? You can totally spin this in a light that it’s purely a legal contract at this point (assuming it really is), but you need to establish a plan and communicate that with your gf. Personally I wouldn’t be happy about you lying by omission, but also wouldn’t really look down on my own bf had he needed to do the same. Unfortunately our world is screwy and good people go into bankruptcy trying to support healthcare costs. You waited too long to bring it up, but I think if you come clean now it could still work out. Like others said, prepare for this lie to be a deal-breaker for her, but hopefully she has a little grace/understanding. Good luck my dude.

likehelpful

Appreciate the reply, I responded to another comment regarding my marriage and wife's health issues. She is looking into getting government coverage as her work doesn't provide anything comparable to what mine offers. The insurer said as long as we are legally married she is covered but I have no idea how long the approval process for disability insurance will take. We are fully separated and do not see one another physically. The split was amicable but difficult as we were together for a decade. We grew together, made wonderful memories, travelled and lived in multiple countries, dealt with severe traumas and child loss, health issues, and eventually it became clear that no matter how much we cared for one another we were not in love the way we once were. I realize my marriage may be a deal breaker for a lot of women, including my FWB. I've accepted that fact and am staunch in my decision to continue to support my wife with coverage until she has what she needs health wise.

likeuplifting

Tell her. She might understand. She might have her own ex situation. She might not want to get married again, ever. I divorced about 6 years ago and I dated a man in a similar situation who was honest about it from the start. I took it as a sign of good character that this man was willing to still help out his wife and look after her health. He did have the wife call me up to say that he was not lying about this; that they were separated and would not be getting back to gether, but they were planning to remain legally married because of her health situation. Because I already have my kids and don't want to get married again, I was okay with this and we dated many years.

likesmart
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Oh boy

likefunny

Ok, I’m not going out to dinners, camping, and hiking with my FWBs. It’s more like, “u up?.” So, I’m guessing she’s already looking at this relationship in a serious light. Your explanation might hold water in a true FWB scenario, but be prepared for her to be surprised and pissed on a few different levels.

likesmartfunny

Ah, wasn't meaning to imply she must be cheating if married. I did nite there that if her situation was like mine it wouldn't bother me 🤷‍♂️ heck, if she was also in the same spot that would make things easier!

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Tell her asap. Be prepared for her to feel betrayed that you lied by omission for a year.

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You’re stuck with the lying by omission. I’ve been burnt by that a few times and can’t use “I forgot” here

like

Soooo you’re planning to tell her when? ..

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Don’t feel too bad OP, a woman who after 9 months has not even told you her last name is not someone who is madly in love with you and wants a future together IMO. Should you have told her? Sure. But if you tell her now and she leaves? Well you will be sad for a bit but no love lost.

like

Did she even know you're married? I mean... you didn't spin some story... right?

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No discussion about anything related to prior relationships. We don't talk about former partners and don't ask about other partners. I don't see anyone else, she slept with one person when we were first starting to hang out which was not an issue as we are fuck buddies and not exclusive and she used protection. She knows I'm out of a decade long relationship as of last year and I know she had a long term, not serious arrangement with someone prior to meeting me. No tales spun but I'm aware I am lying through omission by not being 💯

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So almost a year?? Dude.

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Sounds more like 6 months?

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Also, setting aside that you haven’t told her and really should, why still stay married? I get that you want to help out your wife, but you realize this is always going to be an issue if you ever want to have another serious relationship. A few months is fine until she figures it out, but it’s been almost a year. Do you have a plan when this will end?

like

Seems you’re in the right place, next time find a way to bring it up sooner (in this case maybe less a big deal, since you don’t even know the other person well still).

Bad news only gets worse with age. Also, have you looked into options for carrying your wife in your insurance after divorce? Sometimes this is possible.

likesmart

I've spoken with the insurer and they will only consider her a dependent if we are married we have no kids or other dependents on the plan, just her and myself. The discussion I had indicated that they don't seem to take into account whether we cohabitate or are estranged as long as we're legally married.

like

My now husband and his ex weren’t legally divorced until 3+ years after they were separated. And I didn’t know that he was technically still married until a year into our relationship. Other than being a little annoyed by his type B personality and that he glossed over some facts, it didn’t really bother me since I knew they have broken up both emotionally and physically, just not legally. I would say you should bring it up now, talk to her about it, own up to it and explain your perspective, she might not think it’s a dealbreaker.

likehelpful

Reading your subsequent posts and her not disclosing details about her life I would say it would be a nice gesture to disclose your married just to solidify the idea of your situationship being more than a FWB is not possible at this time. It doesn’t seem like she even wants anything more than that if after 9 months she hasn’t disclosed much of her life to you. Maybe she just wants regular sex and dates from one steady guy without the responsibilities of a relationship. Rather than sleeping and dating multiple guys at a time to get that 🤷‍♂️

likesmart

Maybe she’s a spy.

like

Yikes. Get to it

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You guys are definitely dating, not just FWB. FWB is when you are only hooking up and nothing else. You need to make sure she is on the same page and know that you aren’t available

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My initial post was not as detailed as I would have liked due to the character limit. I've replied to a couple other posts about the nature of our relationship these 9ish months which hopefully shed light on why I use the term FWB.

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As someone who dated someone who was separated from an ex-spouse - disclose this detail sooner rather than later please. It might not be a deal breaker or it might be a deal breaker, depending on the person, but it’s never great to keep someone in the dark about this.

likehelpful

OP, if it’s still super casual like you say, why not take a step towards seriousness (if that’s what you want) and discuss your situation with her while leaving out any talk of “where is this going” for another day? this way she can process your situation first, and given how little you’ve disclosed to one another it’s possible she gives you a pass, and it’ll be less overwhelming than telling her you’re married but want to be serious at the same time. Could blow up either way but I figure this is your best path forward.

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If you are not legally separated, you have now put this woman into a situation where she could be sued for criminal conversation (in most states) and alienation of affection (in a couple of states) .

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My wife and I were separated and living apart when I met this woman. While we are not legally divorced, we have texts and emails that would give a clear timeline of the breakdown of the relationship as well as discussions on the logistics of our separation. We have both signed our own leases on separate apartments and our families are aware (both sides are disappointed but support our decision) of the situation. The split was amicable, nobody is getting sued.

like

This is really sweet. I fully understand where you’re coming from and don’t think you need to tell her unless and until things get explicitly serious. Just be ready to accept her response to it. Not everyone will be okay with that and that should be okay.

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You need to be honest with her, man.

like

My ex told me that his divorce wasn’t final a year into the relationship. I was too in love to care by that time. If he had told me a few months in would have broken up with him for sure.

helpful

But it sounds like OP hasn’t even told her he was previously married??

smart

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