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Rising Star
Congrats on coming out! That’s already a huge thing. I’m sorry your family has not stepped up in this situation. What type of acknowledgment are you hoping to have? Have they met your partner?
Thank you! I live in NYC and they in the south so I doubt they will meet soon but I’d honestly just like them to acknowledge that I actually came out. They didn’t take it seriously and think I’m going through some kind of phase. Their apathy isn’t unusual but for my partner’s sake I feel their eventual acknowledgement of her existence is important.
Sorry to hear about that. You are not alone! You have total right to not condone their homophobia and it’s totally acceptable and supported! I would take a break from them and focus on friends or people who are ready to support you! Talk with people (and there are many many many) who have been in your shoes! I’m getting ready to visit my extended (mostly homophobic) family in Latin America for my dads birthday. Still a stress but I started to care less.
I hope your trip goes okay! You are not alone either ♥️🏳️🌈
Rising Star
So sorry to hear this. And omg so good that you are talking with a therapist. I personally have gone through cycles and sometimes it doesn’t have anything to do with my gender (🏳️⚧️🙋🏻♀️). It may be that they just don’t have the capacity to understand and you can make the choice to either accept them or not accept, and either way that’s ok. For me personally, I dialed back on my expectations for my family long before my egg cracked. We are just different (education, outlook, world view) and I’ve made the decision to have very low expectations for those relationships and live accordingly. In the meantime I have my own family and a wonderful spouse. Which makes the absence of my birth family much easier to deal with. Happy to chat direct! 💙❤️💜
I will message you! Sounds like we are in similar situations and it’s encouraging to hear you have moved forward 🥰
I think you’re right to feel sad and hurt. To some extent your family are the product of societal bigotry but that’s no excuse to treat you badly. I would echo the view to set low expectations and focus on your own life/circle but would add not to close doors. They are your family all your life, you hope to have 50+ years with parents, 80+ years with siblings. If they screw up a few years, leave them a path back.
True! This is an important consideration
Rising Star
Need more detail. It's not clear enough if your family sucks enough to disown them or cut them off.
I came out to an ultra religious family who were shocked and displeased and had allll kinds of crazy bizarre responses to it but eventually, after a few years, they came around. Miracles do happen but certainly not for everyone.
You probably have to establish boundaries for yourself and stick to them but cutting people off probably won't make you feel good, and isn't this basically about finding the most possible happiness for yourself?
Rising Star
Actually now that I think about it, I kind of posed an ultimatum to my family that they would have to be okay with this or I would never speak to any of them again. And fortunately their values in the area of strong family bonds overruled their religious hesitations and their truly ludicrous ideas (such as, to make a doctor appointment with the urologist who would fix this. Not kidding.)
I think with most families a mix of firmness and love and extreme patience and finding the ability to perfectly articulate your complaints with certain behaviors or comments of theirs....can all help in the long run to make this a happy ending.
Not for everyone sadly but it's worth trying and sticking with it, for quite a while, before you give up. My 2 cents.
We must have the same therapist haha. Congrats. What mine tells me is to be prepared they don’t accept me. You can’t keep your life tentative in hopes they come around.
I am in the same boat where my mom refuses to acknowledge that I am gay and in an 8- year relationship. It’s been a few years since I came out and she haven’t even asked me about his name.
I want to get engaged etc, and I am tempted to put my foot down. You are doing all the right things, stay strong!
Wow, 8 years. You are incredibly strong. Thank you for your comment and I do hope you will get engaged and can share that happiness with the world ♥️
I’m proud of you and I don’t even know you. So first of all, awesome and that was extremely brave given that you also probably felt like things could be contentious. You don’t deserve to deal with people who don’t accept you. Sometimes you have to deal with them but sometimes you have control over it. Talk to your family about your “must-haves”. If they don’t accept them, you don’t see them.
This is very kind, thank you so much.
I should note that I am trying to be empathetic and to see from their perspective. My mother told me she “can’t imagine how I should expect them to be excited about something like that.” I’m lesbian FYI
Not necessary to have the same response. Specially if op is from Indian descent. Having personally experienced this from my ex’s irrational and homophobic parents. They not only abused her but me also (for not being strict with my boundaries) emotionally and mentally. It was torture for many years until she decides to give in to homophobic Indian parents and get married to a stranger set up by the homophobic parents. So yeah if you don’t stand up op let your partner know so they can decide to stay or not and not go through hell.
Rising Star
I guess for me, gay male, my story was more organic. I never “officially” came out—just started bringing by boyfriend around. They figured it out (which was easy) and were very supportive. Still are. We’re they “overjoyed” no. But I didn’t expect that. I honestly think they didn’t really care one way or another—anymore than if I had brought a girlfriend around. And they’re rather conservative Republicans.
I had 3 years of therapy to accept my mother’s homophobia.
What does that mean for me? It means I get to be choose how I want my relationship with my mom to go. There will always be her limiting beliefs about me and my limiting beliefs about her, but in the end she does love me and I her. I try to be there for her because my dad was an alcoholic and other things, but I am starting to not go out of my way to take care of non-emergency things and prioritize my life and what I want it to be.
Glad to hear you are doing that. Sounds like we will be in similar boats. Proud of you! ♥️