I can sacrifice an entire weekend cleaning my house so that wife's friend can spend the week. When I ask for a couple hours to help get the house clean so a house cleaner can effectively clean I'm told that's my prerogative and get no help. Well fuck me for being tired of living in a messy house.

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I'd highly recommend a monthly budget meeting. It isn't to limit yourself, it's to give yourself permission to spend. As part of that meeting you also decide how much money per month you each get for frivolous spending (for me it's Starbucks and extra cute baby clothes beyond essentials that go in this bucket, for my hubby it's video games for his collection). For you, you could put dry cleaning/laundry services in this bucket. We also have a line for dry cleaning in our budget since we both align on it, but it sounds like you guys don't yet.

Not sure what to do about the cleaning issue. Might be worth a discussion of duties and needs. Just be gentle in how you start the convo. Start with your need of a clean house, tell her how it feels to not have one (maybe makes you feel anxious or like you are drowning - whatever it is) and tell her you need her help to not feel like that anymore (by prepping for the house cleaner).

However make sure to invite her to share her needs. Maybe there is something she feels like she isn't getting that is making her be so limiting.

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Oh and I want to transition to using a fucking wash and fold clothes service I'm told it's 2 expensive. Neither my wife nor I like doing laundry and I'm often digging in piles for clean clothes. We both work biglaw, no kids and a HHI of like 450k but heaven forbid I spend any money to have some clean clothes.

Just do it.
I hired a cleaner to give myself more work/life balance. I pay for it, no one else.
Why are you allowing her to dictate what would be helpful for you?

So you're combining your individual incomes, but your wife has the final say on how to spend your shared budget? If I got this right, it doesn't seem fair...assuming that your incomes are relatively the same. All decisions on how to spend your HHI should be mutual, not one-sided.

However, if her income is significantly higher than yours and she has to allocate additional money for cleaning, then her request makes sense. But if that's not the case, better have a conversation with her to understand where her frustration really comes from. And share yours, as well.

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