{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I can’t decide. I had my baby 14 months ago. I took almost 9 mo maternity leave. I am a high performer on path to Senior Manager promo. I love my job. My kid is priority. I have been lucky to wfh. Husband and I take turns but it’s getting unsustainable. Daycares aren’t good enough. Anyone is good enough. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I have no answer. Nothing will be good. Did you go through this? I can’t decide to give myself to my work or my son, because clearly can’t do both.", "post_id": "60e4f1a6d1d1920021a7dc98", "reply_count": 58, "vote_count": 12, "bowl_id": "5a0c9a1f61b01a001937c406", "bowl_name": "Working Moms", "feed_type": "bowl" }

I can’t decide. I had my baby 14 months ago. I took almost 9 mo maternity leave. I am a high performer on path to Senior Manager promo. I love my job. My kid is priority. I have been lucky to wfh. Husband and I take turns but it’s getting unsustainable. Daycares aren’t good enough. Anyone is good enough. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I have no answer. Nothing will be good. Did you go through this? I can’t decide to give myself to my work or my son, because clearly can’t do both.

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It’s possible that you’ve had duds for daycare or nanny interviews and I totally get that, I’ve gone through that too. I can’t tell from your comments for sure, but it sounds like you may need to adjust what you’re willing to spend. In NYC/NJ nannies are $20-25 per hour plus paid time off and often times get other benefits and perks too. I’ve used excellent daycares where the teachers had degrees in education and child development but the cost was $30-40k per year. I used a private daycare in someone’s home once and it was an amazing, loving, educational environment and my son got such personal attention. There are other people who will be wonderful and qualified and good enough for your kid but you have to pay for it and you have to be willing to let them do their job. The way you talked about them getting money out of you sounds a bit like you’re cheap but also are not building a good rapport or are being a bit snobby with people. If you want to be the only one to care for your child that is a valid and reasonable thing to do, but you will have to make trade offs with your career. And please keep in mind eventually your child will go to school and join other activities and you will have to let others do their jobs, or someday you’ll need a babysitter and you don’t want to hamper your child’s ability to experience the world or deal with an overbearing mother that can’t have healthy boundaries.

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I do empathize with OP as I never felt anybody would take care of my son as well as I could. I gave up my career & stayed home for 5 years (I had enrolled on a PhD program when he was 18 months old, I think that was a mid life crisis) bit in hindsight I do kind of wish I had carried on part time in accounting. I think OP needs to prioritize her requirements & adjust expectations & realize there will be some trade offs, as many of these posts say. Every family is different & you need to find what is best for you, OP. If you want to keep your career you cannot clone yourself. My son is 13 now & is interested in his friends & gaming & school & Boy Scouts, so as they grow up they need you less. You need to decide how much time to give him now.

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I would also add I agree with many of these posts: OP may need to up her budget to find a nanny that meets her needs. Even women undervalue other women’s skills, which sadly shows feminism still has things to do.

likeuplifting
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I’m getting a weirdly antagonistic vibe from your responses. If you want to stay home, do it. If you want to hire a PhD in early childhood education that’s fluent in three languages and Montessori trained, by all means. But you have to pay for that. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with hiring a nanny foe $18 per hour but they won’t be that magical person. Where are you located? FWIW my parents paid my nanny 70k plus benefits in the 90s- she was a former early childhood Ed teacher who spoke with us exclusively in French. It does exist but you have to pay for it. Maybe adjust your attitude and expectations?

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Thanks. That is so funny how you and many others read my comment into a formal background/education. Value add to me has other meaning as well. Honestly, if I could have a grandma who loves children and wants to work because of that, that would be it for me. That would be a lot of value add. Someone with life long experience, I mean, that would be great! It just doesn’t exist in America. People working with children, do not necessarily love them.

You should quit and take care of your own kid. Your expectations are bizarre and you seem cheap

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Have you taken the 16 personalities test online? Mine helped me to realize SAHM is not for me. I love our “very mediocre” daycare. My son is with a diverse group of working class kids 50 hours a week, cared for by amazing mostly young women. They taught him his ABCs, counting, how to use utensils, potty training and manners. Not sure why someone would need an advanced degree to teach those things. Oh and we get the language benefit because my son is one of only a few white kids in a Spanish daycare. Maybe look beyond the fancy websites in your daycare search?

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Thanks for the reply. I am actually not white, as a matter of fact, our kid is mixed. I came from hard working background, so I see how one would read that in between the lines, but that is not it. I was a nanny, so I was expecting, what I thought, was the bare minim, because that is what I did while putting myself through college full time. I expect that element of passion and care and the value added will come from that. From the engagement and excitement.

I read all your comments and wow I am blown away at your audacity. Nannies, daycares, and teachers you chose to avoid are dodging a MAJOR bullet. It is perfectly valid to struggle to find a perfect nanny or daycare but I cannot believe the insanity you are saying in these comments. To quote a few: “Teachers are not people I want around him. Not great influence” “Nannies I found are not value add people with a great life story and only speak one language” Unreal.

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Looks like you are one of those moms who “would never leave their child with an unknown person” (nanny or daycare) because you don’t trust them to provide the care you can. And that’s absolutely fine. Some of us who do, choose to trust that person 100%, get creative with our budgets to fit in the help to allow us to work while our kids are cared for. You cannot do everything. Working from home while caring for your child is unsustainable.

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One thing you said is “I want me. Can’t find it”. You will never be able to clone yourself, so you will have to accept some trade offs no matter how much money you pay. Based on what you said, what your doing now isn’t working. He is bringing you books and your not able to give him the attention he needs. Since you believe he needs a highly educated teacher (a you) is there a way you can offload all other activities to someone else for 20/hr so all your non work time can be teaching him? Maybe someone else can prep his food, supervise eating, do laundry, take him for walks in the stroller etc. That may free up some of your time for the more academic activities you believe need higher qualifications.

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Are you working from home without childcare? That sounds really insanely difficult, good for you! We’ve had a nanny for our baby when we both started work again after leave and it feels like the best of both worlds. We can hang out with him between meetings or on down days but also have someone whose job it is to care for him. Try it out and see if you still love your job or are jealous of the nanny. If you’d rather have her job and be a full time mom then you gave it a shot. In my case, I wa son the fence but I realized once I jumped back in that I wanted to stay at my job.

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Working from home without childcare goes against EYs flexible work/FWA policy. Eventually someone will realize you have no childcare in place fulltime.

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Do you know what you want ? Do you still want your career ? If yes, lower your standard a bit. There are good nannies out there, just gotta look for them. $18-20 is not that high either. I pay $26 for my nanny who is college student but my 14 months old love her. But he is going to daycare ( we wailisted for over a year) soon since i want him to have more interaction with kids. Kids go to school and that’s normal. They will get sick, they will not eat their food, etc but they will be okay I like to think about it like that. If you don’t trust daycare or nanny, i think someone might need to sacrifice which i think a lot of SAHM decided to do.

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What about a nanny for now?

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$18-20 is not bad at all.

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Thanks everyone for replies. Nannies are not available, mediocre ones want to get $18 to $20 bucks an hour from me, and I don’t even see anything special about them. They are not impressive in any way, just someone wo a job trying to care for a child. Not a “value add” person with great life story, more than one language, none of that. Just an unemployed person trying to make a quick buck. I’ll pass.

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I am very passionate about this topic, but just passionate that you are wrong. My reality is that my kids are thriving at an amazing daycare and I don’t expect to pay nothing for top choice childcare. People were reacting to your attitude.

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Hugs. At your level a nanny should be an option? Is your location an issue, as in no good daycare in your area? With a family, some people move for better schools and/ or day care. May be worth thinking about. Also- no one can do as great a job taking care of your kids as you. But the variety of experiences is good for them (as long as it's safe). They'll be OK 😊 (coming from a nursing mom whose 8 month old JUST started camp this Monday!)

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My husband is a stay at home dad and I work from home. Maybe an option for you?

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Have you tried bright horizons daycare? I was reluctant to put my little one into daycare but they were truly fantastic- amazing teachers all round! They’re a National provider, so I’d look into them. As far as career balance, I’ve chosen to take a step back for now, my career will always be there (I’m driven type A style), but my son won’t always be a tiny toddler, who I truly enjoy:)

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Thank you and yes, I am calling the two ones I liked most ever other week hoping for a spot.

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Hire a professional coach and re-design your life. Create a new perspective on what it means to be a high-performing mom and a high-performing professional. And then own your choices and don’t compare yourself to anyone else. You’ve got this! Anything is possible

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Can you take an LOA? I don’t like my job but I like having my own income. We’ve also been managing without childcare (15 month old) but are currently looking into daycares but are encountering waitlists. With things reopening, I think it’ll be good for my kid to learn some social skills and get exposure to other people.

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Sending the first baby to daycare is SO HARD. I started my first daughter when she was only 2.5 months old. I was absolutely miserable. I decided to switch her to a new daycare when she was 6 months old and it made a huge difference. Her teachers were fantastic. Since you are still working from home, my advice is to hire the mediocre nanny to watch the baby at your house and get the baby on waitlists for all of the daycares you like. Having someone watch baby in the comfort of your home while you are there will be a less stressful start to the process and make sending the baby to daycare so much easier.

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I moved to be closer to my mother for this reason. Cheaper and she speaks two languages.

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We have an Au Pair and is a great option as a live in. We had a nanny work for us for seven years and three kids until they went to school. Then we signed up with the Au Pair program. It’s been a great and rewarding option for us.

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