I didn’t think anything could make an already stressful situation worse but my husband is going to an MBA program in the fall and I have to stay in our home city for work. This morning he told me he’d like to have a “married but available” status while he is completing his degree. I’m heartbroken and unsure what to do next.

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Even if you refuse, his mind is already there. He will cheat. Divorce.

likehelpfulsmart

This was my first thought. He’s gonna do it if he isn’t already. He’s just telling you about it this time.

likesmart

Op: I am sorry this was sprung on you. If the idea doesn’t appeal, I would suggest hoping for the best and preparing for the worst by:

1. Get tested now. If you stay in a relationship with him, get tested regularly.
2. Document this and your response.
3. Open new bank accounts (savings, checking, etc) at a different bank from current accounts (if they are joint or he can access your funds).
4. If you deposit money into joint accounts, change your direct deposits.
5. I’d transfer any money you deposited into bank accounts (if joint) into new accounts.
6. Speak to a counselor or therapist.
7. Consult with a few divorce attorneys to understand next steps/options
8. Pull your credit reports to understand your, his and joint liabilities. You don’t want any surprises. Get yourself in good financial shape.
9. Do not co-sign loans for the MBA or assist in financing it.
10. Above all, prioritize self care for yourself.

likesmarthelpfuluplifting

OP if things really go south , let us know if he ends up in consulting 👿 especially when he’s recruiting.

likefunny
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Gonna be awkward when US shuts down again and his MBA program becomes online classes...

likefunnysmart

Guy doesn’t know any strategy. MBA won’t help him, he needs chess classes.

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He just told you that he wants to be solo, then. Someone who wants to lean on you emotionally and (presumably) financially while getting an MBA in another city, while giving you nothing stable to hold onto yourself, is not engaged in a two-way relationship. A leech sucks up resources and gives nothing back, not a partner.

likesmart

I second this, I feel like he wants the emotional benefits of a wedding but also take advantage of the fact he’s alone in another city. It seems that he’s more invested in himself rather than your relationship and you deserve someone who will take care of your needs and care for you (and vice-versa). I know it’s hard but you will be able to move on from this situation and find happiness again

likehelpful

Sorry to hear about this. I'd divorce him and leave him on his own to pay for his MBA.

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So much this. Having you as a Sugar Mama while he swans around? N O P E.

As they say on Corporette, "DTMFA."

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Well, if that’s not something you’re interested in doing, you divorce him.

No judgement on open relationships — I’ve had personal situations like that, in the past, with some success though I’m now in a regular marriage — but if it’s something that doesn’t work for you, you might as well just end it now because the reality is he just told you he’s going to date during his MBA.

Best of luck figuring this out.

likehelpful

My thoughts exactly. Sorry to hear that OP. It hurts to hear your SO say things like that and obviously hurts even more when they do it. If you’re completely uncomfortable with it and he thinks it’s okay then it’s probably best to move on. No one will know what happens once he starts “dating”. One thing can lead another pretty fast.

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Let me make sure I understand this correctly... Your husband wants to stop working, move away, and date other women... and you’re supposed to finance it?! I’m sorry, OP; this would be a dealbreaker for me. Asking for an open relationship isn’t something you can put back in a box once it’s out, and even if he reneged, I would never be able to trust him after he left for school.

likehelpfulsmart

And also waiting until you are emotionally invested before mentioning this “little quirk.”

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O. He wants permission to get into an entanglement. F*** him.

likefunny

I actually think it’s great that he was upfront with you. Now you have options to decide what you are and are not comfortable with. He’s told you he wants an open marriage and you get to decide if that’s a marriage you want to stay in. I’m glad he opened the conversation vs cheating, assuming he would never get caught.

likefunny

He may be cheating already. Sorry guys, but that's my vote.

likesmarthelpful

I’m honestly surprised he announced his intentions. What was he expecting? “Okay honey, have a good semester!”???

I’d frankly not be comfortable with this and would be looking at a separation, at a minimum. Do you have children with him?

I’d also get myself tested...

likehelpfulfunny

Ew. What a jerk. Good luck.

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I just wanted to say something: OP, I know it’s hard to hear for you to take all these precautions “against” your spouse. It sounds like he is a bad person or a crook. It’s not about that, it’s about protecting yourself because when people get upset or bitter, sometimes they act in ways that surprise even themselves. We are just trying to avoid you having even more issues down the road, it’s about protecting yourself.

likehelpful

Agree. Think of doing all these things to secure your income and credit as “just in case” if you are not ready to make a complete break. Just get your things in order, as you’d advise a friend to do, as unemotionally as you can. Then deal with the emotional stuff, which will be easier if you don’t have to worry about money.
No harm will come from taking him off your accounts. You could always add him back. It’s not permanent.
But, yes, if he’s feeling trapped or vengeful or just delusional (precedent for that, I’d say!) you want your ducks in a row so you are safe.

likehelpful

Tell him “married” and “available” are mutually exclusive. You deserve better. If you still want to be with him, maybe suggest marriage counseling.

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My wife would stab me if I said that even as a joke

funnylike

Didn’t know this was an option..

likefunny

It's an option if you are an a#$hole.

likefunny

Sorry to hear that OP

like

If you aren’t the type to want an open relationship, I’d also suggest divorce. You deserve so much better than that and believe me, it will be extremely difficult at first but overtime you’ll heal and meet someone so much better. Who puts you first and that thought wouldn’t even cross their mind. I’m so sorry this is happening to you but I strongly believe everything happens for a reason and someone much better will come your way. Stay strong ❤️

likesmarthelpful

Hold on now. Listen OP, I’m not a poly-kind of person. But I don’t know you, so let’s evaluate the situation logically. options, 1) tell your husband absolutely not, and put out that ultimatum. This also means if he goes, you will be paranoid and completely stressed he will cheat. 2) read a few books and see if you are into the idea. This means freedom for you as well. I know a few couples that are positively happy and open, so there may be something to this thing?

likefunny

“No it never works...but it might work for us?!”

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WTF?! What kind of monster says something like that.

He just showed you the real him. Get your life and finances in order (I.e. secure your half of the assets) and then file for divorce ASAP.

You can do this! Stay strong 💪🏼

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I agree with the comments above, if it’s outside of the realms of what you’re comfortable with (which he should already know) I’d say how you feel & if he ignores that end it.

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