I feel like I'm not communicating my needs to my husband well. Throughout my pregnancy I've been making an effort to calmly communicate where I need his help. He says he understands but it's never actioned. Eg I asked him to be more involved during pregnancy by educating himself on pregnancy, birth and childcare. When I noticed he wasn't doing any of it, I signed both of us for various courses and webinars which he did attend but wasn't attentive (slept through most of it) even when nudged. Cntd

Oh OP… I hate to say this but if his attitude continues on to parenthood you are headed for a very hard life. He is telling you in several ways that he is not interested in being an equal coparent and that the responsibility for parenting will be yours. If you believe him at his word, do you accept the responsibility of being functionally a single parent? If no, I would pull out all the stops now to address this and make your expectations clear. If this was me there would be a huge blow up AND couples counseling. I’m so sorry OP.

My husband was a dolt with our first. He was really disconnected even to the point he legit said “ewwwwww” when he felt the baby move the first time and refused to engage after.

As I read the above, I’m not sure why I didn’t kill him then but I didn’t. Our son’s delivery was turbulent and my husband ended up being the one who cared for him the first 48 hours and the nurses took tons of videos. All this happened before I even met the kid. The very first video was my husband meeting the baby. The baby was unglued. My husband simply said “hi” and the baby stopped crying, looked at him and my husband legit said “he’s a real person” to the nurse and then asked if he could touch him.

We’ve had 4 more since then and he’s been a completely different parent during pregnancy. I think it just wasn’t real to him until the baby was here.

My advice is always the same - give him a minute to get his life together and don’t interfere with how he cares for the baby unless he asks. And then don’t do it for him, don’t demonstrate- talk him though it while he does it. Maybe he’s a terrible burper or sucks at swaddling - who cares. That’s between them.

I’m sorry OP. I fear that your concerns are right. He’s telling you now that he doesn’t want anything to do with being an active parent. I know it’s unsettling, and I wish I had advice for you.

Would it be a fair split if you tell him fine, I'll deal with raising the kid. You can focus on everything: dishes, laundry, housework, all cooking, all bills, all cleaning, all yard work, all shopping, all date nights, all everything. Ask him to start now, so you can show him how to do it correctly then he can practice all of that before the baby comes so he can't say you do it better. Tell him that if everything about the baby falls on your shoulders, then everything about your relationship and your lives will have to shift to him bc you are 100% baby focused which means there is 0% remaining for everything else. If he doesn't like it, tell him that you can shift to 90% baby and 10% something else if he agrees to accept 10% baby and 90% of everything else.

If he's good with that, you can both define what 10% baby means and what 10% of everything else means.

If he doesn't want to be a committed parent, he can be a committed partner in everything else and you can negotiate the details bc after everything is said and done, he's an adult, even if he doesn't want to grow up and be a father. If he doesn't want to be treated like a client who negotiates, then he should stop acting like being a full time parent is negotiable.

Agree w partner 1. It is just like project management. You want your team to own something not to “help you.” People parent different ways and my husband refused to go to the nursing class w me. It was fine. He takes them on bike rides and is a very involved Dad. He gives the kids baths at night puts one to bed (while I’m w the others). He just doesn’t like me to tell him how to do things. He says all kids need is consistency (and I agree). I don’t love that your husband is comparing himself to his friends but maybe he is getting defensive as he wants to think of himself as a good partner. Pregnancy is really hard. I have been the most angry w my husband while pregnant. I felt that I had more needs and he couldn’t understand why things were so different overnight on what I needed. On the bright side, after the babies were 2 months we typically sorted things out.

Get to the root of this calmly by asking him what kind of father he wants to be. Does he want to be half assed uninvolved like his friends, father, and role models? What is the legacy he wants to leave behind?
My husband really really wanted kids and so was very excited and involved every step. Did read the books with my prodding. But definitely comes from the culture and examples of "earning and paying the bills is the man's job and that's all it takes to be a good dad, everything else is mom's work". So the fact that he knows how to change a diaper means I've won the marriage lottery.
It might change after he has a come to Jesus moment after the first delivery and 4th trimester, maybe that will set him straight. Get support from your family if you can, and get them to knock sense into him. I couldn't since both grandpas can't survive a minute in the wild without their wives.

Highly recommend couples therapy! This hugely helped me be clear in communicating needs/setting boundaries and my husband in being more attuned and supportive of my needs. Really happy we did it even thought it was tough. It helped change his mindset from ‘this is your need so you need to solve it’ to ‘your needs impact how you can show up for our relationship and what I need from our relationship so it’s important for me to pay attention’. We still go back sometimes when we have particularly difficult topics we want to discuss just because it’s helpful to have a neutral 3rd party there.

Let me just share some learning I’ve had as a recent new mom (I have an 8mo old). My husband is incredibly supportive and loving and wants to be an equal partner. I felt SO disappointed and dejected at the beginning about how unequal things were and how much more I had to do. I realized that if I fought tooth and nail for 50/50, there’s some implicit level of socialized workload on moms and the best I’d ever get was maybe 65/45. I really hate to say this, but accepting that more will always fall on me has been the only way for me (and my spouse) to find happiness. He felt like he was bending over backwards and doing everything he could… the reality is that he doesn’t even know what 100% of the work looks like, so from his view, he thinks he IS being 50/50. It’s a tough place to be. I’m out of town for a week next week, and it’ll be the first time I’m gone that long. Can’t wait for him to truly experience 100% and see what that feels like.

All that to say - I hope he’ll be supportive and step it up… but even if he does, know that it still won’t be equal, at least at the beginning when your body is going through so much. Physiologically there’s so much more that mothers find themselves doing. 😞

Wow. To be very honest, I have seen this go so poorly for quite a few of my friends. Their husbands ended up taking on very very little regarding the child (& usually household too). And it led to many VERY unhappy years before they divorced. And you know, nothing changed except her stress levels because she was already doing almost everything herself. Please please PLEASE do not let yourself take on too much. I have a 120% partner in everything - and it is still SO HARD.

I would have a very serious conversation with him about what type of father he expects to be. What type of PARTNER is he. What does he truly bring to your life and that of your child?
In detail. Maybe even provide him with a list of all the things that need to be done baby related, household related, etc… see what he thinks he will do.
Go from there. Let him know what is acceptable to you and what is not. I’ve prepared to tell him what the consequences are if he will not be your partner. Let him know that you consider it that him not being a partner means he does not respect you or ur time or your health. Because that IS what he is saying.
Stand up for yourself and your child now, and keep it up, before it’s “too late”.
Much love, OP.
I wish you strength and happiness

My experience pre birth was similar. He didn’t seem to be planning or preparing at all. I made him watch a couple of baby videos which he did seeming completely uninterested.

The story gets better - since the day the baby was born he has been 100% involved. In fact at present, he is the primary caregiver for my child (he’s in paternity leave, with no other help) and is doing a great job at it. I’m traveling pretty frequently for work again and he has the baby just by himself for days at a time. He’s very in tune with the baby’s needs (maybe even better than me). Additionally, ever since the baby was born he’s taken on the primary role of running our house (including the mental load) - like food, laundry, cleaning etc.

I realized it’s a personality + learning style thing. I need to feel highly prepared, and I think he needs to “be” in the situation before he does that.

Good luck to you and your family!

I feel like men have the « i know it all » mentality. It doesnt mean all the load will fall on you, just means he doesnt fully understand what is awaiting.
Its your last few weeks of pregnancy with your first child, stay calm and breaaaaathe. If you know he is a good man, you know he will be a good partner to you and a good father to your child even if he acts like that right now. Give it some time until baby comes.

When asked if he wants to reschedule or he would like to choose courses or anything else that'll help him focus and participate better. He gets extremely upset saying none of his friends have done all this and I should be grateful that he's atleast attending. Another example is we hired a doula but there are some exercises she suggested we practice for pain management one of them is accupressure, apparently the pressure points are different on each person's body so she encouraged us to figure out where the pressure points are. He feels it doesn't make sense for him to understand it because she'll be there during birth so she should do it why are we paying her otherwise. He didn't mention any of this Infront of her but says it now. All this is getting be anxious for postpartum, my mom and mil will be around to help initially so his stand is doesn't need to do any childcare when they're around. I'm worried all childcare will end up on me after they leave because I can already anticipate him saying I haven't done this before and you're so much better at doing it. How do I communicate better without coming across as nagging