I feel really bitter about my peers (late twenties) who either (a) married rich and barely work anymore/ already have kids or (b) are still living off their wealthy parents, and are obviously unable to afford their current lifestyle themselves. Any constructive ways to deal with this in a healthy manner? I feel bad for feeling this way but can’t help it.

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Write a gratitude list every day naming 3 things you’re grateful for. Spend some time volunteering with those less fortunate than you are (homeless shelter, soup kitchen, nursing home, rehab center for criminals who have drug problems and are trying to get their lives together, etc.).

Your perspective is off, but both of those activities can help right-size it.

likehelpfulsmart

I’ve done this before to get perspective and it really works. Also just reading stories of people similar to that movie “pursuit of happiness” gave me hope that it’s never too late to reach your financial goals.

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Does the bitterness stem from you wanting their “easy” lifestyle where you barely work and/or live off of your parents’ wealth?

As someone who grew up in poverty (think government housing, multiple families living in a household, drive-bys, gangs), I somehow ended up having friends in a similar boat as you as I got older and grew my career. I’ve always had to work 5x as hard to get to where I am, so yes, a very small part of me is bitter about how others have it easier, but the other part of me is grateful for my past experiences and wouldn’t change it.

I know I will have to work until retirement age and support my parents financially, and that is fine because I’m glad to be able to be in a position to help myself and my parents. The friends I have are good people despite them cruising through life by comparison. I am involved in their kids birthdays, take random trips with them (I pay my share), and occasionally eat out with their family (their parents always pay). And you know what, they have their own struggles they’re dealing with. Sometimes they only get to see their parents once a year or every couple of years. Their parents might get upset with their spending because last month’s cc bill was too high and they get lectured as if they’re a teenager. Their husband is always away on trips for work, missing out on birthdays and milestone events.

My life will never be like theirs, but I feel pretty bada$$ having lived through what I did and to be where I am today.

likehelpfuluplifting

Own way made, there is satisfaction knowing that.

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Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

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Charlie Chaplin said that

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Haha don't worry about it. Trust me, you have no idea what's on the other side and you wouldn't want to swap lives if you knew. The person who's married to a rich partner gets cheated on weekly, they're depressed but they put up with it for the money. The person who has a rich family will never feel the beautiful feeling of self fulfillment that comes from earning with your own hands.

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This is not the right mentality. Feel better because others might be suffering too?

Also, it’s just not true. Plenty of people have lots of money and are also happily in love, fulfilled, etc.

OP should look inwards to figure out why they can’t be happy for others. I want the best for all of my wealthy friends. Plus as a side benefit they invite me to their houses around the world.

Feel proud that what you have is from your own doing. Your friends (at least the thoughtful ones) know it too and likely respect you for it. So will your kids in the future.

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I think what’s written so far by people here are just ways to veer your mind away from the root cause of why you think and feel the way you do. You can write what you’re grateful and try not to think about what you truly feel.But if you don’t address why you dislike the people you mention, those are all short term solutions. Figure out why you feel that way first. It’s usually a self expression of your lacking of something.

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Agreed. Sometimes it boils down to feeling deprived of life. Leastwise for me. I've had to learn to take some time out for myself. I get so caught up in being there for my job, family, side business, church and charities that I start getting resentful looking over at people who seem to have it easier. Truth is I'm eternally grateful for my life and wouldn't take anything for my journey and struggle. But we all can get weary and need a rest. Find some fun for yourself and your focus will return. By that I mean you'll really see them as they really are instead of having anything better or easier than you and you'll be proud of yourself for where you are. Good luck.

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OP, I can assure you this type of comparison wouldn’t stop regardless of your wealth. As someone “living off parents’ wealth”, I used to grow up in private school with wealthy kids and had the exact same feelings like you described.

When I received designer brand jewellery and international trips as gift for graduating high school, I’d look at friends who got a London flat and feel utterly bitter about it. When parents bought me a flat, I’d look at those who live in £xx million mansions and have holiday homes overseas… There is always someone who’d live an easier life than you (on the surface) and I think the key to achieve mental peace is to look at yourself, your own achievement and stop comparing yourself to others.

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This is eye opening for me - thank you for sharing!

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I would personally find new friends and let go off them

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Healthiest way to deal with it is to accept that this happens sometimes. I have friends like this & it used to upset me but we live in a deeply unequal society, and chances are if you have a lot of peers in such a high social stratum, you’re in a fairly high one yourself.

Think of it like this - you’re a D1 athlete who worked your butt off and you’re bitter about your peers with two Olympian parents who could coast off their genes.

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Delete social media. I do it every once in a while and it helps me not envy individuals when they post on IG, etc. Then I don’t compare my life circumstances to theirs.

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Why don’t you stop caring about others so much and worry about your damn self?

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It sounds like that’s the whole point of OP’s post. They’re asking *how*.

funny

I understand this. I will have moments where I see peers who get paid so much while doing so little and it is frustrating. I’ve realized that the world is the not a level playing field where we are not born into the same situations and there is also an big element of luck. This means the work you put in doesn’t equal the outcome you get.

I think you’re coming from a mental outlook where you expect things to be more “fair” and they’re not. I think it may be less about why you dislike these people as someone mentioned, and what do you dislike about your current personal situation? What’s been unequal for you that you’ve overcome, that maybe you have a chip on the shoulder for now? At least that’s my read…

Random… My friend has access to see all the comp for the company due to his role and he always jokes he can’t do that because he will start hating them and hating himself, and that will be the beginning of the end. I agree and respect him so much for having that professional maturity and self control.

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Know you earned your way and every person situation is different. Don’t worry about marriage as it’s not all it’s cracked up to be especially if married and money/security taken as a major consideration, THIS WILL CAUSE ISSUES 100% at some point. Speaking from experience on this issue. Kids, wouldn’t trade for anything and have a blended family, again, life changing moment when children come along. No reason to be bitter, you can come and go as you please without having to get the ok from another person. You do you!

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Reassess the people you want to surround yourself with. Find other hard working people who live within their means.

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This has nothing to do with your peers and everything to do with you. You have to figure out why it makes you feel this way. Changing friends isn’t the answer. Growth is increasing your ability to tolerate discomfort. Working with a therapist could be helpful if you don’t have the tools to identify, process, and self-soothe these feelings. Coming online to discuss is good to express yourself if that’s what you need, but be careful of using this external validation to avoid dealing with difficult feelings.

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How come Jeff Bezos gets to go into space and spend weekends on his mega-yacht, while I trudge along, ping my bills one month at a time?!

The problem isn't your friends, it's you. Until you are truly grateful for your own life, there will always be someone to come along and show you their greener grass.

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Comparison is the thief of joy. Focus on yourself and not others. Start being happy for others and the good they have in their life. They also likely have many struggles as well in their own ways.

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Get rich yourself...it's up to you

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Your peers in group (a) may be unhappily married and feel stuck but don’t see a way out, or don’t want to give up time with their kids. Alternatively, they could be envious of your independence and ability to support yourself. Your friends (b) could have parents that get fed up and stop enabling, and cut off or decrease their funding at anytime

Forge your own path and don’t worry about others. Everyone has their own challenges and struggles, and someone who looks like they have a picture perfect life rarely does. Find what you’re passionate about and focus your attention on those things.

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You're better off as someone who is independent. You're harder to kill in a crisis or emergency because of your struggles and experience

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Like any crisis. Famine, drought, war, power outage, natural disaster, etc.

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