I finally realized the source of all my behaviors were from a trauma that I’d just hidden deep down. I always made excuses for myself and had a psychotic episode at a bar. I’ve just completely lost

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It. And I know that I made all of these excuses because my thinking was so messed up and it’s been too painful to approach it and I hid it deep

Does it feel liberating, or more uncomfortable?

Painful and uncomfortable. Ironically I came to the conclusion on the sad day Kobe passed but was feeling guilty about thinking about the assault/rape case and kind of put 2 and 2 together. And finally connected the dots on how I’ve been steadily declining these last 5 years. Thanks for asking. Definitely not liberating but I will have to research trauma. Just even diving into it feels too painful. I’m trying and can’t connect with guided meditations when my thoughts won’t calm so I just need aggressive help to chill that out

I really do think you should look into therapy for trauma OP. Because naming something and speaking it aloud really does help free us sometimes. Or to a trusted friend. Either way, the speaking out the thing you’ve hid too deep to deal w is key in breaking its power. I’m sure it seems really hard right now but every time you speak about it, you will feel a little lighter and freer

OP, sorry you’re dealing with trauma, but glad you’re aware its affecting you negatively.

Read “the body keeps score” to understand how your body may be processing trauma and to learn about a variety of techniques to heal. When you’re ready, consider trying some of these.

For me, it took nine years after the rape to realize how it affected my relationships and to start seeking help to heal. Ultimately therapy plus trauma sensitive yoga has been a good outlet for me. Knowing the stories of others so I didn’t feel alone was important too (best: Chanel Miller’s memoir). But reading other trauma stories could be trigger for you, so proceed with caution.

Wishing you the best on your journey to healing.

Thank you for suggesting these resources. For me i do think knowing the stories of others will help. I always thought of these women and individuals including yourselves as “others” and i could use the support system immediately. In my day, consent was a gray area and I’m still not sure how to process it yet. Thank you for your well wishes

Def recommend having a professional help you unpack this in a way that will be helpful and move you through it all. We aren’t experts in everything and sometimes you need to consult an expert (same as you’d call out an electrician to your house for a wiring issue).

Agree w K1, sometimes you have to go through a few therapists to get the right one. Don’t be afraid to shop around if you’re not totally trusting of her

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