{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I found out that I was pregnant (unplanned) last week and it has absolutely shredded my relationship. I left the home my bf and I share, and I came to stay with my family. Part of the reason it got so bad is because he vehemently wants me to get an abortion, and I don’t know if I can do it. There wasn’t even a discussion of keeping it. He told me in no uncertain terms that he would resent me forever. I need help. Can anyone recommend a virtual counselor for us? Does anyone have any advice?", "post_id": "5ebdd1c369b522001ce2e7d5", "reply_count": 318, "vote_count": 32, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }

I found out that I was pregnant (unplanned) last week and it has absolutely shredded my relationship. I left the home my bf and I share, and I came to stay with my family. Part of the reason it got so bad is because he vehemently wants me to get an abortion, and I don’t know if I can do it. There wasn’t even a discussion of keeping it. He told me in no uncertain terms that he would resent me forever. I need help. Can anyone recommend a virtual counselor for us? Does anyone have any advice?

likeupliftinghelpful
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I’m sorry, I’m no man rights activist I promise you but I just don’t think all this commentary is completely fair. I’m assuming OP was using protection because they both agreed they did not want a child, now the .01% happened and surprise, BF still is not ready to become a dad and is freaking out. Suddenly the future he had planned is ripped from underneath him. If I had to suddenly become a mother, I’d be flipping my shit and say hurtful things too. Just because he isn’t ready to become a dad and is not handling this situation the best that he could does not have to mean he does not see OP as a real future partner. They have different values and may not be compatible anymore, but it does not mean he never loved her or wanted a future with her.

And for what it’s worth I had an unexpected pregnancy and my boyfriend was ready to be a dad, but I was not. I was not ready to stop living my life and be a good parent who focuses the majority of their lives on their children. So thank fucking God I was able to get an abortion and wait till I am ready. I traveled the world, built a career, took care of sick family members, and now 6 years later I’m pregnant again with the same man and we are expecting our first child. Difference now is we have the money and resources and support system for all of us to be the best family we can be. Real truth, I know many women who did not get abortions for unexpected pregnancies and they had toxic marriages and fucked up their lives, and ya know who suffers the most? The kids and the women. They majority of them were fucked up due to the long term negative impacts of the whole thing and kinda became trash.

BUT I also have a friend whose mom got pregnant. Wanted to keep it. Dad did not. They separated. She raised the baby alone and became a multi million $ CEO.

If OP does not like how BF reacted, then it is expected that their relationship should end as their values are not aligned. Now OP has to decide if she wants to be a single mom and deal with an unsupportive angry ex baby daddy who may be a distant and absent father or not and is ready to be a kick ass successful single mother. Women do it all the time. Does this suck for OP, sure of course, it’s all horrible. But it’s not fair to say to him suck it up and throw your life away and be responsible when you only agreed to protected sex because of this .01% accident baby you never signed up for. If this was the case, I’d be telling little boys everywhere sorry, just keep masturbating in the shower and don’t have sex with the ladies until you are ready to be a father because even though they are on protection your rights don’t matter if they get pregnant and you’ll be forced to be a father.

likehelpfulupliftingsmart

Can 100% attest to the toxic relationships. My mom married my dad after finding out she was pregnant with me and my childhood was a living hell. My mom wasn’t able to leave an extremely abusive situation because my dad threatened to never let her see her kids again and he had far more financial resources to make that happen.

Also you feel that resent as a kid from parents who weren’t ready to sacrifice their autonomy yet to meet your needs or who don’t have their shit together enough to prioritize you. My mom wanted really badly to be a mom but was also not ready and I could tell I was felt to be a burden.

Studies also show that planned babies get way more support, parental attention, and other resources than unplanned children get, even within the same families. Unplanned babies also receive harsher punishments than siblings who were planned. Not trying to shame OP but it’s something to consider.

likehelpful

Hi OP! I am sorry that you are going through so much turmoil when I am sure you would hope a moment like this would be nothing but beautiful.

I had a surprise pregnancy after dating my now husband for about 1 year. We had talked about marriage and kids as a possibility for the future, but were not feeling ready at all. And i was just barely on the “yes i want kids” side of things as I had been on the fence for years.

Telling his family was one of the worst moments in my life as they are very traditional and religious and i hated how i felt i had i stolen from them what should have been a happy and exciting moment in their lives. I was also sad that my pregnancy was filled with so many stressful and sad thoughts and decisions rather than just getting to enjoy it. Once you get further into the pregnancy and get past all these tough decisions and stresses, it does get better!

We did not consider abortion- We felt like what was uncertain (the possibility of having kids one day) had been decided & the timeline had been moved up. That said, if I did not think that we would have a happy and healthy relationship where we would raise and love this child together, maybe I would have considered it.

The fact that your SO had changed his mind on having kids since being with you says a lot to me as that is basically what happened when i started seeing the potential to have kids with my now husband. It sounds like he is just really very scared and doubting the fact that he changed his mind; thinking he wouldn’t be a good father and that it is too soon.

To that I will say that he will be a good father if he wants to be. You can hold him accountable for things he is worried about. For example, i worry i will be like my mom and my kids wont know they are loved and i will be cold to them so i ask my husband to keep me in check and look out for any tendencies i have.

About it being too soon I say that timing really does not matter. Its such a magnificent experience and if you were one day going to get there, I think its okay to do it earlier. No one is ever really “ready” for parenthood. & If he one day wants kids then now is the time because you never know if youll be able to get pregnant again.

Maybe you can talk to him about some of the specifics of what he is feeling - really unpack them and help him come to acceptance and hopefully eventually excitement.

likeupliftinghelpful
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I’m sorry you’re going through that! If he feels strongly about an abortion, he may not see you as a long term partner hence why in his mind an abortion is the only path. You did the right thing to remove yourself from that environment. Seeking a counselor to change his mind, in my opinion, is a waste of time. I’d focus more on what you want, 1) do you want a baby at this point in your life and 2) are you financially able to be support a child, potentially as a single mother for the time being? (you may find a partner in the future). I was dating someone and had an abortion, he saw that as the only option and I didn’t want to have a baby on my own, but I can tell you I ended my relationship afterwards. I could not look at him. You may realize some things about the person your with, the fact that he doesn’t respect you enough to ask what you want and instead he is dictating what you need to do, is a major red flag.

likehelpfulsmart

How old are u SC1?

I absolutely do not want kids and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a guy to feel the same way. I don’t think it’s fair to just expect him to just be ok with having a baby. I can’t imagine being a dude and not having a say over my future—just like I can’t imagine not having the option of accessing an abortion.

I also don’t think it’s fair to bring a child into the world who is going to know or sense that they are unwanted, and I say that as someone who grew up in those circumstances.

He certainly doesn’t have a right to make you get an abortion, but you need to consider whether you’re willing to bring a child up by yourself and consider whether the circumstances are fair for the child (e.g. being able to provide adequate resources for them). This decision doesn’t just affect you and I think his feelings are valid too.

likesmarthelpfuluplifting

He can feel how he feels (you can’t control how you feel) - but he CAN control how how he acts. He’s stupid and entitled for thinking he has any control in the situation. It’s 100% OP’s choice. If he feels resentment - fine, but again it is OP’s choice.

Personally, I don’t like kids and don’t want them, but I would be pissed if a guy thought he had a right to do anything other than be supportive of my choice in this case. Tough shit dude.

likehelpful

An update for anyone who is curious - I had my 12 week scan today and baby was MOVING. It’s measuring beautifully, they have no concerns about abnormalities, and I’ll get the full genetic screening results in a couple weeks. I can’t explain how happy it made me to see it dancing on the screen ☺️. This has reconfirmed that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I made exactly the right choice. I am SO happy, there aren’t words.

likeuplifting

So happy for you, OP! Take care of yourself and bebe 💫🌟

funny

Most recent update: my bf and I are living together again and working hard to mend what was broken throughout this whole situation. He has made so much effort in terms of communicating and showing active care. I’m amazed and beyond impressed. I feel very happy with him again, and I think he would say the same about being with me.

Also, baby girl is almost 21 weeks! Our 20 week appointment went SO well. We are very blessed that she is so healthy. I feel her kick throughout the day, and it’s still so surreal.

Lastly, I was promoted! Everything is really coming together in the most unexpected of ways, and I wanted to let you all know. I think about where I was when I first posted this, and I had no idea what was in store. Thanks again to everyone who DM’d me and reached out with their own stories or offered heartfelt advice ❤️

likeuplifting

I AM So happy!

uplifting

UPDATE: Baby girl is here! She made her grand entrance in record time - my active labor was only 2 hours long 😱.

She is the picture of health, and she’s the perfect mix of both of us. My bf was great during labor, and he’s been wonderful with her afterwards. Despite all of his fears, he’s a natural when it comes to being a dad.

We are still getting the hang of all the sleepless nights - but at least she’s cute to look at while we don’t sleep ☺️. She’s a great baby and we’re very lucky. Hoping all of you have had a great start to the New Year as well 💕.

likeuplifting

Congratulations and welcome to parenthood. I can promise you it won’t be boring 🎉

I just wanted to take a moment and thank everyone for their time and thoughtful responses on this post. I didn’t even remotely expect this kind of outpouring of support, and I wanted to let you all know that even if I wasn’t able to respond to all of your comments, I read every single one, and each of you has had an impact on my ability to reflect on this situation thoughtfully. I am very appreciative and this exercise has been so helpful for me. Thank you 🙏🏻❤️

likeuplifting

some on on this thread are more concerned about defending a position vs being helpful.

do better

likehelpfulsmart

and yet they bather on.

likefunny

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I agree a lot with D1. Only thing I would add is you need to dump the man-child now. He is in no uncertain terms absolute garbage.

He of course has the right to express how he feels, but it does not sound like he did so with any sort of consideration for your physical and emotional health.

I hope your family is giving you the love and support that you need.

like

So many comments on here were helpful, but some that have come through in the last couple days (and sporadically before) are not constructive. I appreciate those of you who put yourselves in my position and spoke to me like you would your friend or your sister. For those who wrote curt or otherwise cold comments, while I have not taken them to heart, I found them unsettling. You would do well to take a softer approach in future. You can write off this feedback with “I’m just being honest”, but honesty without tact is, in fact, cruelty. This news is just 3 weeks old for me and has turned my life upside down. Is your “honesty” really worth the sufferer’s peace of mind in this situation? There were far more kind comments than there weren’t, but I felt I needed to say this. Your choice of words matter, your intention matters...especially in sensitive situations. Something to think about.

Separately, an update: with our 3rd therapy session, we reached a conclusion with logistics - we will no longer be in contact going forward. He vacillated heavily on whether he wanted to be involved. At the end, he asked “what if I wanted to split custody”, and I said “if you wanted to split custody, I would do everything in my power to enable that, but I would need there to be a basic understanding of love and respect between us - and I believe that I could get there. I think you need to figure out if you can get there with how you are feeling about me. I don’t want this child to see parents pitted against one another - I would want the love to be magnified if you were involved...for the child to understand that they are wanted and adored and that their parents are friends...if you wanted that in your heart, I would move mountains to do that for you. But if you don’t want this in your heart, I think you need to acknowledge that as well. I am giving you all the options bc I want you to do what is best for you. Do not worry about the child - I will solve for any issue that arises and you know how much love I have to give. The child will want for nothing, with or without you. If it is best for you personally to not be involved at all, I don’t want you to feel guilty about that. I want you to do what is right for you.”

I think he felt some innate sense of obligation that was causing him angst with the decision, but I do not believe he truly wants any involvement, so hopefully what I said “let him off the hook”. It’s best for everyone that we move on separately now - I believe that in my heart of hearts.

Thank you again! Time to actually start getting excited 🥳. Also, I had my 8 week check-up today and everything remains perfect and on track. I feel very lucky, all things considered ❤️

likeuplifting

Congratulations, OP. It sounds like you’ve had incredible strength in this, and I’m encouraged by your bravery, poise, and presence of mind. So excited for you to have this beautiful child.

If he cared that much he should have gotten a little snip snip down below. Adoption also always an option or raising it yourself which is increasingly common.

likesmart

You might need to give him time to calm down and come to terms w this and really think about what he will do if you do keep it. This is a massive blow to the life he thought he would live, so even though his response is unfair and not kind, i understand his panic and how this feels the end of the world.

At the same time you really need to think though what you want independent of him. My guess is you want to have the baby but with him and raise it w him. It sounds like that option is off the table most likely. I’m really sorry about that. But you still have to think about what you want assuming he won’t be involved.

I have a good friend who got pregnant in law school and wasn’t sure what to do but she did abort. She realized the partner was not the person for her and she didn’t want to have a child w a man she was unsure of. She has recently had her first child w her husband, a man she found since who is really amazing and a great partner for her. Not saying this has to be your choice - I’m sure your fam would support you if you had this child and there is adoption too. But dig deep and think about what you want for you and if it’s just you.

Much love. Can’t imagine going through this tough decision while also mourning what seems to be the nail in the coffin of a relationship. Hang in there.

likesmarthelpful

What’s the duration of this relationship? How old is he?

Different thoughts on how to respond if he’s like 27 and y’all are together for a year vs he’s 40 and y’all have been together for several years.

Either way your body your choice.

Also, when people show you who they are - believe them. This guy is not going to be a dad. He’s a biological father. There’s no magical movie moment awaiting you at the end of 9 months where he falls in love with the baby and everything is rosy and y’all are a lil family.

likesmart

We have been together over a year, and we are in our early 30’s - I have posted more about the situation on another thread here.

like

If you do keep the baby OP I would investigate how you can manage parental right so he doesn’t decide to mess up your life with custody arrangements or whatever in the future. If one day he decides he wants to be a father he should have to earn his way back in at your discretion.

If that’s what you decide, do some research online about the kinds of things that can happen and what you should think about, them consult with a lawyer to protect yourself and get it on paper.

likesmart

Also I’m here if you need someone to talk to about the legal stuff (what to look for in a lawyer, agreement template options, etc.).

like

Keep your baby, it’s a blessing. He’s selfish. New mom

likefunny

You need to stop thinking about boyfriend for a minute. He’s being an asshat which may or may not be forgivable depending on a variety of factors.

Don’t go to counseling to try to get him on board with the pregnancy. That probably won’t work and will delay important decisions.

Decide for yourself if you’re able and willing to do it alone, and then act accordingly. Consider carefully but don’t delay because obtaining services can be a cluster even in the best of times.

Once you’ve decided about the pregnancy then decide what your next steps are with your boyfriend.

likesmart

Agree with SM1. OP, you need to think about what is best for you. He is certainly not thinking about you or even the baby so you have to think about what you want and need.

like

Hi there, I got pregnant last year, unplanned. And was OUTRIGHT DEPRESSED for months. I didn’t know myself. I was terrified for my future. I went back and forth about what to do, went to non profits, counselors, priests. I was basically looking for someone to tell me it’s ok to give in and get an abortion. A bit part of what was stopping me was 1) a very supportive partner who wanted to keep the baby 2) a feeling of not being able to bring myself to do it.

We got in so many horrible nasty fights that I didn’t even think it was possible to stay together let alone raise a child together. I felt trapped.

I can say without a doubt that having my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I promise that the horribly depressed phase will pass.

Though, you are in a very different situation than I was as your partner doesn’t want the child. I can’t say he will ever come around (my sister got pregnant shortly after me and her partner did not want the baby. He has come around a bit but puts in little effort). Ultimately, you have to be able to separate the commitment to raising a child from the commitment to seeing your relationship succeed. It was VERY hard raising a baby, but incredibly rewarding. They are beautiful and precious.

Whatever you decide, I hope you can move forward with your decision and not look back. Whatever you decide, it will change your life. I can say that if you have doubts about having an abortion, I don’t know if I would, personally. I quite honestly doubted having my baby until the minute I pushed him out (not kidding). I had no idea what to expect. BUT I did get much more excited about it as the pregnancy progressed.

This is so long, I’m sorry, but I do want to say I understand somewhat where your head and heart are right now and it’s a very very very hard place to be in. You have some hard questions to ask yourself. If you can get professional help, please do. You can PM where you are based and I might have a great resource for you, if not I can help you find one.

Best of luck girl. Stay strong, you got this.

likehelpfuluplifting

I get that you don’t want him to be in pain but I really don’t think that’s going to be solved or not by what you decide re: the pregnancy. He’s in pain because it’s a situation where he feels all outcomes are unacceptable. I hope the counselor will guide him toward individual sessions because I don’t think this is a relationship problem; it’s a him problem.

If he does agree to take a leap on this he should still do some work to get his own mental house in order regarding his family of origin, fears, assumptions about POCs/mixed people, etc.

like

To have such a strong opinion he better have been the one managing the birth control so far - and I’m talking double duty (pill and condoms), otherwise honestly he should find back his humility and stfu

like

He is a man, why should he have to think about birth control? Woman's job, duh. Men should just be able to have sex without considering the consequences

#feminism

likefunny

I’m sorry. That sucks.

But, lady, it’s your body. You make the miracle of life and if you want a kid that is 50% genetic code of that ex, that’s completely your call. Would agree it is time to tune him out and imagine do you want to go this alone? Are you okay with the implications of estranged father? Will you make this part of your one life and the child’s life - and make it totally worth it?

Time goes by and pregnancy is rough (from what I’ve heard) and changes you. Women who have abortions begrudgingly can seem very tortured, because it’s a huge what if.

This must be such a hard time. We’re with you! There is no right or wrong answer - just solve for yourself!

likeuplifting

He is entitled to his opinion but the choice is yours - legally and biologically. PERIOD. He has a decision to be involved or not. If you are even debating it, it means you can imagine a life with this baby. And while it will be a big adjustment, it might be the best decision of your life. Either way, its your choice.
My BFF knocked up a girl on a one night stand when him and his GF were on a break. He wanted her to get an abortion but she didn’t. She turned out to be a crazy and malicious person who still takes him to court over nothing (kid is 11) but he would not change a thing bc he loves his kid.
Abortion is a big decision and every female i know who has made this decision always thinks about how old that child would have been and what their life would have been like. Even if they feel they made the right choice, its still weighs on them.
I’m sorry you are in this position but take your time and make the decision thats right for you. Your BF has shown his true colors by trying to pressure you into a difficult decision wo wanting to weigh the options and outcomes for both of you.
Lean into family and friends during this time. You are not alone. Best of luck.

likesmart

Im sorry you have to face this situation.
But I could never imagine having a child with someone who didn’t want the child too...
At the end of the day it is your choice whether or not to continue the pregnancy.
But knowing his feelings beforehand, if there is a lack of involvement later/resentment, you can’t say you’re surprised.
I had a friend who got pregnant and her bf at the time vocalized previously that he didn’t want kids at the time and did not want to keep the baby. And she knew this. She kept the baby and he transferred his job and left the state. He sends her money but has 0 involvement and she is constantly upset about his absence. But she knew that he would be absent....something to consider for the future.

likehelpful

I have two girlfriends who are single mothers by choice and I am in total awe of them. One was in a similar scenario to yours and the other had a donor. Both knew what they wanted and are in love with their boys. They are loved and happy.

I think seeking counseling- together or just you - is a great idea. Even if you split for good, you’ll have an opportunity at least to hear each other’s POV in an impartial space and I hope he agrees its good for his growth (and closure, resentment issues), too. I’m staunchly pro choice, which means CHOICE and it sounds like you’ve made the right choice for you OP. Congratulations, and I hope you can work through these initial emotional pains and focus on the excitement, with your loved ones. One angle you could take is to say your gyno strongly recommends a few joint counseling sessions - NOT to change minds, just to mitigate a lifetime of miscommunication - if you’re feeling him resisting. It could do a lot of good for you both.

like

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EY how many hours per week does financial due diligence senior work on average?

Any NYC folks want to meet up at a meeting tonight? I just moved here and started a new job and I'm needing a meeting real bad.

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What are good ways to meet people around here? I'm new and need friends.

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Has anyone interviewed with Microsoft? How long did it take you to here back?

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How many years does it take to go from Manager to Senior Manager at Deloitte? and what is the % increase going from Manager to Senior Manager?

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Hey Side Gigs bowl,

Any bloggers out there? Just curious what platform do you use and how do you like it? I'm deciding between Wix and WordPress, but maybe there's something better out there I looked over.

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The lady sitting next to me on the plane asked me what the wifi password is…

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Additional Posts (overall)

What would you do?

My ex left me with a debt from a joint lease after we broke up. Left them the place to live so they weren’t on the street and they abandoned the property. Court dismissed the case from the landlord. Landlord sent it to collections anyways. Three different lawyers have said to me the debt is unenforceable.

Now it’s on my credit report and I am having trouble finding a place to live. Been living in AirBnB rentals for awhile now…. Help?

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Does anyone own the Dyson air wrap? Is it worth getting? Sephora is having their VIB sale right now 👀

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Ladies who use apps (or even those who don’t) how do you feel about guys offering to pick u up? Date wants to pick me up but I’d rather Uber so I don’t give my address

Feeling ugly / not cute these days, weigh a little more than usual and feel like I’m starting to age. “Friend” made an offhand comment the other day suggesting I’m not attractive enough to live in NYC. Not really sure what to do, I’m working on weight loss but it’ll take some time

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Best plastic surgeons in NYC you recommend?

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Hi ladies! My BFF just bought her first home and I want to get her a really nice housewarming gift. Hope to keep it under $300. Suggestions?

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Is anyone else tired of being the only woman and most junior person on your project team?

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My husband rarely gets me expensive gifts. I had said I need solitaire pendant on the birth of our second child .. but I didn’t get that and he said he is researching. I am fine we both were researching and didn’t like anything as such.. so it’s fine, his parents are here and this Mother’s Day he got solitaire earrings for me and iPhone for his mom. I don’t know how to react. But the earrings didn’t make me happy at all. I wanted his time and pampering for Mother’s Day not some expensive gift.

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help! need your opinion- branded or no brand? this is celine. i am pretty lowkey and not flashy but i don’t think the brand look is too much. i would wear this for special date nights and maybe as a wedding guest

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How did you set a wedding budget? I’m so stressed at planning. I’ve got a huge family so need at least 125 invites (with few friends invited). God why is this an event that is so normal / expected

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Best consultant firm for women in you guys opinion?

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Need some career advise. I am a hard core techie in consulting , most of the time I don’t get the visibility on items my non IT peers get. I am the tech lead for one of the products, client serving as well and I end up coaching the business about the product so that they could present to leadership. I get tonnes of thanks from business ( POs, BA etc) however leadership sees me as computer girl and it sucks. I am unable to be happy at work seeing others get recognition for my back office work.

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Hi ladies, so, many times men negotiate their comp, especially coming into a new job. I'm very fortunate to have two offers lined up with both comp discussions today. Has anyone been through (cont.)

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Need some serious boy advice. About two months ago I met a coworker at a party and we really hit it off. I mentioned a restaurant I love in the city and he put time on my calendar for us to go cont.

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Ladies! My best friend is going through a breakup that was a total blindside. I’ve already sent her a care package. Any other tips/advice on support or even things to say that’s been helpful for you?

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