{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I got married to a white American girl we have a kid now. My family is visiting from India and she is not ok with them staying for prolonged periods 3 weeks at a time in this case....contd", "post_id": "5cf92a950a5e38001cef3c1f", "reply_count": 128, "vote_count": 2, "bowl_id": "58f8108c753e990016608a0b", "bowl_name": "Desi Consultants", "feed_type": "bowl" }
null

I got married to a white American girl we have a kid now. My family is visiting from India and she is not ok with them staying for prolonged periods 3 weeks at a time in this case....contd

like
Posting as :
works at
You are currently posting as works at
Highlighted IconHIGHLIGHTED

You seem to want to hide behind “inter-cultural issues” as an excuse for your being a bad partner to her.
I completely get where your wife is coming from, and I don’t think that it’s an inter cultural thing. I am an Indian girl who grew up with a lot of family visiting / staying with us for months at a time in a small apartment, and yet today prolonged stay by family would get to me. It can be claustrophobic and cramping on your lifestyle when family comes over, unless you are particularly close with the person. Having just given birth, I can understand why she doesn’t want to deal with that in addition to everything else she is going through.
Your samosa-every-other-month point applies to you too. being a husband is not limited to having a kid together and living in the same house. You need to be a partner to her 100% of the time, which means considering her feelings before making decisions that are difficult to back out of - especially at a time when she is going through so much emotionally and physically. I agree with her 100% that your primary responsibility is towards her and your child.
In terms of a solution, agree with one of the other comments made - if family has to come and stay with you see if there is an option for them to come in a non-staggered way / all together, and at a time when your wife can be out of the house and be herself for a large part of the day (e.g. when she gets back to work). Counseling may not be a bad idea for you either.

likeuplifting

Surprised at the number of people saying you should have got a prenup.. Curious to know if any of them actually have a pre nup themselves? Or are even married?

Discussing your expectations, especially financial expectations and making sure you’re aligned (critical) is very different from drafting a prenup (can of worms). Even discussing the idea of a prenup can impact the relationship long term, and it sets a bad precedent going into a marriage with that mindset. Moreover, a prenup isn’t an “engagement letter” or contract - it doesn’t stipulate every expected behavior of each spouse. It is more the terms of a financial settlement if you do get divorced. I’m not sure how a prenup would even help this situation.

OP - I sincerely ask you to not take such garbage advice (eg “send your wife (who just gave birth) off to a hotel”) from people who seem disconnected from the reality of what it means to be in a committed marriage. You may have come here to vent, but only you know your relationship with your wife. There was a reason you chose to live your life together. The birth of a child is known to be one of the biggest stressors to a marriage, please navigate the situation with the love and care your relationship deserves.

likehelpful

SM1 I agree this chain has gone toxic. Listening to all these folks here both good and bad. I realized I have a much better handle on the situation. I was struggling to find balance in this situation and I had an epiphany that it's going to take a few years of education and communication on my part and hers to get to a point of greater mutual understanding. I am bringing my mom in as she is going back to work and I am starting my paternity leave. My mother is divorced and dependent on her job to pay her bills. So her window to visit is also extremely narrow. I was trying to make my mom and my wife understand the situation but it's difficult and I figured 3 weeks is not much in the grand scheme of things.

like
Recent IconRecent

This thread makes me sad. A parent will not think twice if we visit them- no matter the dynamics. But we have to have go through a checklist to make sure they can visit us. Let’s live in our tiny castles that their sweat and blood laid the foundation to and then let’s ask them to wait in line while we try to fill our social voids with fake friends, social media and Insta worthy trips. Because individual comfort > family.

likehelpfulfunny

BCG2.. try to read in between lines and understand it was a venting post. If OP was really in bad marriage with wife using events to sabotage situation, money matters. they wouldn’t be starting a new chapter of their life.

like

OP even a lot of Indian women - from India or Us - will not be okay with what you seem to be asking for. She’s probably going through a lot with a newborn and having given birth. Having MIL stay for long periods while you’re not there is not good for anyone. The difference is in the past women kept their mouths shut. Now we speak up and say no to things - apparently not everyone can deal with it.
You’re focused on how much of an effort she’s making. But you’re forgetting that she’s probably just finished a year of having her body go through hell and giving birth.

Giving money to family is tricky and you both have to make the decision together.

Suggest couples counseling and some honest communication and good listening.

likehelpful

Yeah, there is no constant revolving door in the case of the OP. Well done, you have made this about yourself.

I’m also married to a white European and living in US. My wife gets along well with my parents but It took a while. After the birth of our child, I made sure it was her mother that stayed with us first. And then once things settled into a predictable route, I invited my mother. And that too with high transparency in terms of responsibilities. My mother had a rolling ticket back, initially meant for a 4 week stay. They got along so well that my wife asked her to extend by 2 more weeks. But we were very clear all around that wife’s comfort came first - above all else. My parents were very supportive as well. I think they key was that no one was thrusted into it simply out of following norms. There was a clear choice and everyone was onboard with it.

like

being an Indian married girl I can say things : your wife needs her mom during maternity period regardless of how caring your mom and dad or sister is. Two - if her mom is not staying and helping with her now make sure you don’t burden your family on her during the post partum. Let her cope however she wants - god’s sake she just delivered a baby and lot is changing with her emotions and body. Third - coming to you spending money on your parents - tell her that it’s your responsibility towards your parents. If you can take care of her then you can take care of your family too. Just make sure you don’t neglect your wife’s needs becoz of this. Fourth - good luck and hopefully things will turn round.

like

A very balanced answer. I have never been pregnant so I don’t really know what post partum period feels like but I can imagine why somebody would want privacy at that time.

OP, it’s a naive assumption that an Indian wife would be blanket ok with everything you’re suggesting. Cultural differences is a convenient scapegoat. Maternity leave is a much needed precious time to recuperate from childbirth and I personally would not want three valuable weeks of that tainted by guests. Communication is key. Talk to your wife, understand and respect where she’s coming from.

like

Am a father of two, with a Desi wife; and great advice given already by a few that your marriage comes first and tell yourself that your wife's comfort comes first and everything later. I can recollect how my wife had differences with her own mom when they were here to help us during my son's birth. And don't underestimate the post pregnancy difficulties....

like

M4, my mother was a lawyer en route to become a high court judge. She quit to take care if me and my sibling. My father pawned my family land to pay for my overseas education. Both of which i will probably never do for my child.

like

Also, if my parents need money, they are going to get that from me. Nobody gets to have a say in that. But that’s also because I know my parents are very responsible with it and would never use me.

like

It’s not usual vacation, it is a birth of a child in a family. And more than anyone, it is biggest event in the life of your wife. A nursing mother’s comfort and well being should be first priority of a new father. Remember the word ‘nursing new mother’. It is a new territory for your wife - one she has to be comfortable and navigate through positively. After her, it is a big event for you. Celebrate it on the level you two are comfortable. Your parents will get ample opportunities to meet with grandchild. But as a first time parents, it’s all about you guys.

likehelpful

I can see her point (and your’s too). I think the problem is that they are visiting during her maternity leave where you’ll be at work and she will be at home alone with them the entire day for days on end. I am in a interracial marriage and my in-laws are wonderful. But I would still feel uncomfortable being around them the entire time without my husband to be the bridge. It’s just that in this case she will have pretty much no privacy and personal space when she’s home with them all day. Can they wait and visit when she goes back to work? That way she has a place where she can be herself during the day and spend time with them in the evening when you are there too.

like

I don’t know what to tell you. I wouldn’t want to be with my in laws at home all day for 3 weeks. If I were in this situation I would ask my husband to wait until I got back to work. It’s just really intrusive (even when the people involved are really nice) - everyone has a particular way of living and when you have guests staying for an extended period of time your lifestyle comes under scrutiny- more for women than for men. I have made it clear that when I am pregnant and after birth I don’t want anyone staying over - neither my mom nor his. I want that time to be just with my husband. But I understand people are different. Please don’t go down the divorce route - this is not worth giving up on someone you fought for and chose to make your wife.

likeuplifting

Also, what are your parents expectations when they visit? Does she end up having to do everything? Does she feel free to be herself when your parents are around without any judgement? That would be a factor as well.

like

OP - did you and your wife discuss the idea / plan of your mother coming to visit and stay? Or did you / your mother “assume” it’s a given, and then you informed her after the decision was made?
Seems like this is a communications gap not a cultural gap. I would sincerely suggest you listen without judgement and then together with her come up with creative options.
1. Could your mother stay in a hotel for 4 weeks?
2. Could your mother delay her visit by a few months? Say to coincide with your wife’s return to work?
Etc..

You’ll also need to remind yourself this is an emotional moment for your wife to bond with the baby and recover.

I’m getting a sense that there is more behind the “white American girl” tone ...

like

Al1 I am going for a blended option. Making my mom visit as I start paternity and she ends her maternity leave with a 1 week overlap so my mom gets to know my wife as well ......they have never met in person before.

like

I do not understand why desi ppl put parents on pedestal and think they did great sacrifices raising them. They made choice of bringing children in this world and raised them as they saw fit. It is not that we (as in this generation) are not doing the same for our children. In fact, I would say our generation make more about their children then our parents did for us.

I love and respect my parents, and I do not have children of my own but have nephews and nieces and see how much my siblings (and wife’s siblings) prioritizes their children over anything else. My parent s too observed that and admitted it themselves. Not that my parent were bad parents, they were and are great, just that they raised their children per the norms of their society and generation (relatively hands-off parenting, that i prefer over the overly-doting parenting of this time).

like

Got married to an ABCD..same issue..
Honestly just let her know how you feel and family always comes first to you ..if she doesn’t understand ..you have a choice to make ..

like

Understood. I think the feedback here is to discuss timing and feasibility with your wife before your parents make their plans. It may be once in 2 years, but like you mentioned when it’s a staggered arrival it feels like there’s always someone around. Is there an Airbnb nearby where your parents can be put up comfortably?

OP - I wish you wrote on fishbowl “what things should I consider” before marrying . Now , it’s too late and don’t take it personally . Our philosophy of “Athithi Devo Bhava” cannot be under stood outside of India . Try not to get this into a divorce type situation . If you have friends / relations in the US , park your parents there and you make it a point to visit them as much as you can . Invite them over to your place for a week every 2-3 weeks. 🙏🏻

like

Such a stupid advise.

likefunny

OP, clearly your wife’s value system is fundamentally different from what you are used to. Although the ideal way to handle this is to discuss it, if you manage to upset her at a vulnerable time, it will make things worse. I suggest you let you child turn a year or so, invite your parents over, manage work so you don’t leave wife to do chores and possibly get both sides to get to know each other well

like

All of hypocrite desis here!!
There is no right answer ..if his wife won’t accept they will fight or if she accepts she will suffer and they will fight ..
It’s not white girl or brown girl ..kids just don’t want anyone overlooking them these days ..so OP I wish you the best ..I know it sucks and I am sorry

helpful

They are visiting one at a time. She first raised objections to me sending my mom money. Now she is objecting to my mom visiting during her maternity leave...she was cold to my sister when she visited. I am having strong second thoughts about my marriage....its almost as though she thinks she thinks adopting my culture does not extend beyond eating a samosas at an Indian restaurant every other month. Anyone here had issues with multiracial marriage and bridging cultural gaps. I could use some pointers here

Both grandparents are so important in a kids life to grow well balanced. I am 100% with you on this. I chose cooking just as an example. It could be painting or music - doesn’t have to western or eastern - get out in the world to find fun for yourselves. With the new born - whole new experience and becoming stressful to bring in barriers to a positive relationship. World has lot to offer. Just explore together. Take small projects together. You are a consultant at Pwc. You solve clients problems - finding gaps is your strength and remediation is also your strength. Bring those tools to your life and co- create the roadmap together for your family. Map likes and dislikes and find common areas that will fetch positive impact to your relationship. It takes courage to signup with a human being of different culture and you have already demonstrated it. Now take it to next step. It’s not easy but stay calm and composed and build plan for your kid, wife and your extended family. You are a leader, these are times to test your leadership skills. Get help from outside world to bring in new inspirations to diffuse off stress and negativity. Stay blessed with what you got. Don’t let another kid grow up with fractured families. Give him/ her best what you both got. Best of luck. Thanks for asking help here.

like

Related Posts

Pregnant with my second. So so so so nauseous and it gets worse as the day goes on. My job is demanding and I feel like I’m in a fog. I don’t feel sharp and I’m trying not to puke. Advice please 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

like

Additional Posts

What percentage of your colleagues would you say are able to use VBA/ know what it is? In my MC practice ~15%

like

Don't spend all night on it, but I need it by tomorrow morning... Manager says at 8 pm

like

Told my mom I was having dinner with my Partner tonight and she asked if I was gay.

like

I. Hate. Loan. Staff.

like

TSAPre line longer than the normal line this morning!! Is TSAPre really worth it with so many enrolling in it nowadays?

like

Having the comp convo soon with a partner. Those of you who have actually gotten a bump out of one, what was your case to the partner?

like

TFW your manager says her time is more valuable than yours and you audibly cackle 😳. I'm not saying it's not true bc she has a higher bill rate, but it was just a weird thing to say.

like

Deltek is the worst software I’ve ever used

like

Pride fish... how tight is too tight on swimsuits for a general pride event? I’m going under the assumption that the limit does not exist

like

How often do you feel like you are not valuable to your org when you are on h1b? Our law firm sucks and they just blame everything on uscis. I want to leave but we are all stuck due to PP having ended

Any good place to get facial in Orange County,CA or at any at home facial products?

like

Any BCG fish willing to chat about their experience? Looking into recruiting for a generalist consultant position but don’t have very many contacts to leverage in my network. Thanks in advance!

like

What time should I be at the airport to make an 8am flight out of Atlanta on Monday morning

like

Anyone looking for furniture? Moving to NYC and not taking with! E.g perfect condition crate and barrel couch, amazing mattress, desk, tv stand, coffee table, barstool chairs etc. DM me for pricing

like

Brother’s B1/B2 visa got denied in passport drop (they are asking him to interview). It’s likely because he spent a substantial amount of time in the US over the last year+ (visiting grad programs...

Let’s put aside the debate on reopening and focus on mask wearing - who here refuses to wear it when not at home, even in shops/supermarkets/crowded spaces?

like

Ladies, here is an opportunity to help one of our own. I have a Friend looking for a position in banking a client sales associate in the NJ/NY area. She is driven, personable and understands the grind. Please let me know if you have any need or suggestions to help get her speaking to the right people. She is a single mom and was released during the COVID wave.

like

What’s the likelihood of getting an MBA sponsorship from Kearney in the UK going forward? I guess they will be giving these out less given covid.

like

What’s the different between quick strike vs. due diligence? Recently started and don’t understand what’s everyone is talking about. Any other acronyms you often use and what it means please!

like

New to Fishbowl?

Download the Fishbowl app to
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
Download Fishbowl to see what others are saying
That was just a preview…
Sign Up to see all discussions
  • Discover what it’s like to work at companies from real professionals
  • Get candid advice from people in your field in a safe space
  • Chat and network with other professionals in your field
Sign up in seconds to unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.

Already a user?
Login here

Share

Embed this post

Copy and paste embed code on your site

Preview

Download the Fishbowl app

For account settings, visit Fishbowl on Desktop Browser or

General

Legal