I have a huge crush on a guy I work with who is my superior. Over a year ago we hooked up but then we both agreed it was not a good idea and we pretended it didn’t happen. I get super jealous when he is talking to other women work colleagues. It’s pretty bad when I saw he was on a call with this other girl that’s attractive I literally started crying and feeling horrible. We could never be together bc he is now my direct report and bc of age gap so I’m not sure why I am so invested. Any tips?

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1. Attraction is not a choice. Don’t beat yourself up.

2. Look into some distress handling techniques. There are some scripts you can use to identify triggers (other women talking to him), isolating the the negative emotion (jealousy), watching it and letting it fade, and rewarding yourself after for doing so (walk outside with music you like on headphones, etc.). I have used this to great effect with my own task anxiety problems.

3. Make sure you’re not dependent on his interactions for happiness. If you feel you are, take some steps (e.g. self-esteem focused solo or professional therapy) to make sure you’re generating your own sense of worth.

4. If this is a serious disruption to your life and performance, take a responsible look at whether you should seek a different team/location/role/company. Sometimes it’s just that strong. I’ve been there too. Honor your future self by making a hard decision in the present. Zero shame in this!

You’ll be alright! 🙏

likehelpfuluplifting

Focus on you. Is it really that he’s that great, or are you projecting or avoiding other issues in your life? I’m not getting the sense that he’s the one, so much as that there may be an underlying issue might be wanting validation or wanting something in your life to go well. That’s totally understandable and human. Be kind to yourself. Honor your feelings, but take time to reflect on what’s causing you to feel badly about the situation. Then give yourself validation rather than seeking it from your superior. Just because things didn’t work out this time doesn’t mean they won’t work out in other ways later; best to move on, love yourself, and open the door to something that will work out for you.

(Or I’m projecting, because that’s almost exactly where I’m at right now. Either way, I FEEL your pain, and yes, it’s sucks!)

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Thanks for the replies I truly appreciate them. Yeah it’s affecting my personal life and work performance. I’m constantly thinking about him and more worried about analyzing how he replied to other female colleagues on an email instead of focusing on my work.

We talk a lot more than necessary and I feel like I need to set boundaries or else I’m going to be heartbroken when he gets a gf. We could never be together and I only started liking him after he hooked up.

I just wish I could care less about him :( I actually think I might be in love with him which is beyond strange because we never even dated.

Like it has been well over a year we hooked up and I keep thinking about him everyday and it doesn’t help that I work with him. I love my job so I don’t want to quit but this is taking away from me wanting to be with other people or just be happy.

Yeah. This situation has a natural unavailability to it which only makes it more intense.

You’re doing great to have reached out for help somewhere. That’s kind of the first step to self-acceptance of your situation and actions, and self-acceptance is the first step to making a rational next decision, whether that’s learning to control the emotion or changing your physical setting.

Take your time on this step. Just remember that you’re now in control 🙌 and you have resources to help manage this situation. Lastly, congratulations on reaching out. Asking for help is one of the bravest actions someone can take. Good job!

likehelpful

Hey, I have been there minus the hook up bit. Feelings and attraction can't be controlled but like other posters have said, are the feelings a placeholder for something else?

Perhaps validation, security, etc. I know that was the case for me. Look inward and take care of yourself first, and if it is causing you distress, might I recommend a counselor? I find mine to be helpful.

Best wishes ♡

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