I have a huge problem with being criticized or anything that looks like it may be approaching conflict. I avoid doing/saying/sharing things and sometimes lie to avoid this happening, and I’ve been doing so more and more. It’s starting to make a mess of my marriage. Anyone gone through this? Books or subjects to look into?

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I do not do this at work; I think because it’s less personal to me there and I feel more confident in myself/my abilities. Also I know I’ve inherited a lot of this from my mom and how she acted/treated me. She didn’t work so somehow that’s the one area of my life not tainted by that dysfunction. But home and socially, it’s bad.

Can you give an example or two? Is the issue fear of being less than perfect? Fear of being disliked? Fear of abandonment? What exactly are you trying to prevent from happening?

I think all of the above.

A silly one is I’ve been hiding from my husband I sometimes order lunch when I WFH. I wouldn’t lie if asked but I try to make sure he won’t see containers in the trash. I don’t want to deal with what would most likely be a slightly annoyed reaction about cost/unhealthiness. I feel super childish and ridiculous about this.

A less silly one is I started arranging a visit with my dad, but circumstances happened and now we want him to get a COVID test beforehand. Im dragging my feet and almost would prefer to not see him vs ask. He may also be a bit annoyed, as we are somewhat paranoid, but I think would do so without complaint (to us at least).

A previous poster deleted their comment but I also think it was on target; I’m terrible during arguments and say lots of things that are convenient in the moment but are not really true, don’t reflect what I really think or feel, or get to the matter at hand. I’m almost entirely defensive.

I can relate. I often get defensive when my husband says something as little as “I think it would be better if… “. Honestly not sure how to handle this. I think it shows my insecurities.

Are you me? Also had a stay at home mom and didn’t learn to respond to or resolve conflict well because it was quite toxic as a child

I think some moms choose to be SAHM to minimize the need to interact with people who they can’t control, as they themselves lack conflict and other interpersonal/emotional skills.

It’s a big part of why I choose to work; I’m sure I would be worse if I didn’t.

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