{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I have a hunch that my fiancé’s side of the family is planning a surprise performance at my wedding. I really don’t want there to be any unplanned performance, let alone by people who are amateur singers and are probably doing it to look and feel good about themselves, and less of honoring me. As selfish as it is, it’s my day and I don’t want it and I communicated that to my fiancé. Problem is, he said he doesn’t mind it and said he can’t stop anyone from planning a surprise performance. Help!", "post_id": "60bf874bad9bce001c8921e3", "reply_count": 26, "vote_count": 6, "bowl_id": "609af1da847416002ab5327d", "bowl_name": "Wedding Planning Bowl", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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I have a hunch that my fiancé’s side of the family is planning a surprise performance at my wedding. I really don’t want there to be any unplanned performance, let alone by people who are amateur singers and are probably doing it to look and feel good about themselves, and less of honoring me. As selfish as it is, it’s my day and I don’t want it and I communicated that to my fiancé. Problem is, he said he doesn’t mind it and said he can’t stop anyone from planning a surprise performance. Help!

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Oh god I would hate this too, and I think your feelings are totally justified. I would have another conversation with your fiancé about it…

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+1

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I agree 100% any type of surprise musical wedding performance is so cringy. Seriously talk to your fiancé and he just has to shut it down. He can’t take no for an answer. If you’re uncomfortable then no more needs to be said and it needs to be dealt with.

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This day is about the two of you as a unit, not a singular individual. You don’t want something, he doesn’t mind it (maybe even does like the idea of it but is downplaying for you?). To me it sounds like a great opportunity for compromise. How would you feel if your family was planning something you were excited for and he shut it down? How would you want him to handle it? That’s how I’d start to frame my thinking if I were in your shoes.

As unsolicited advice (you can totally disregard the rest of this, I’d get it).. Honestly, I’ve moved my wedding 4 times with Covid and at this point could care less about anything that does or doesn’t happen, as long as I get to marry my person, that everyone has enough food and drink, and there’s good music.

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A3, agreed it’s a good point. Id also add that in the whole timeframe of the day it will likely only be a small part and for your guests they likely won’t really remember it.

If there are people trying to make the day about them they will find away to do it no matter what. If they are using it as a way to get closer as a family after 1.5 years of Covid then maybe it’s not so bad. All that to say, if it does happen try not to let it take away from your special day.

Wishing you well as you start your married life!

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This seems like a really good question for your DJ / band / wedding planner because how DO you actually prevent this, especially if guests are emboldened by alcohol? It does seem like a good plan for your fiancé to nix it ahead of time but also enlist the help of the DJ or band to be prepared to shut down any impromptu request to use their microphone with a planned response: “I’m sorry but we’ve been asked not to stray from the planned music” or words to that effect.

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This is what I was going to say! I would tell my DJ not to take any requests, not to give out a microphone, and to change the song if any type of choreographed dance thing started happening.

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Your feelings are totally valid, don’t be embarrassed, I think lots of folks would share that sentiment :) maybe you could point out to your fiancé something to the effect of.. “the guest list is already so heavily skewed towards your friends and family, that I’m afraid having your family “take center stage” so to speak makes the event feel like it’s not an even blending of two families. I want things to be equal and this doesn’t accomplish that. Could they record it to us as a wedding gift that we can cherish beyond the wedding?”

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That’s a great idea on recording, thanks so much again!

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Do y’all have any pre wedding events? I would ask them to just perform there instead of on the actually wedding. That way it doesn’t put him in a bad spot, they get to do their little show, and it doesn’t take away from the wedding day.

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Thanks!! Unfortunately the rehearsal dinner is for bridal party + immediate family. So the extended families who want to do a performance along with my mother in law won’t be at the pre wedding event (except for my mother in law)

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Who is paying for the wedding? My now husband and I paid for everything ourselves and it was a very easy way to put a halt to any kind of unsolicited crazy. It’s your wedding day. You’re allowed to say no to a weird impromptu musical performance. Yes of course compromise is great and I agree, maybe they can do it at the rehearsal or something? But don’t let people make you feel bad and like you HAVE to compromise. My husband could have cared less about a lot of stuff but I still had very specific opinions and I didn’t let his blasé attitude ruin our wedding with weird family requests.

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My fiancé and i have been splitting it pretty evenly between the two of us, and given the location and venue, it’s pretty expensive. Thanks, this gives me courage!!!

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Wow this is pretty selfish of you. Your fiancé is right.

I understand you don’t want this potentially amateur performance, but it’s an honest expression of love for the two of you as a couple. A wedding is not just about you. It’s also about the whole community around that couple.

Otherwise, why invite anyone? Why not just elope and have a private two person ceremony?

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Also I’ve gotta say as someone who just got married, couples nowadays have it hard enough. For Christ sakes, we just got out of a pandemic or are seeing some normalcy. I know after moving my wedding once I was going to do it the exact way I and my partner wanted. Wedding are stressful as it is, Introduce covid, and now the family wants to do a performance as if they’re the center of attention? I think it’s beyond weird. It’s 2021 - let’s let couples do what THEY want, they’ve been through enough planning a wedding amidst a global pandemic!

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Having this same discussion re: trying to prevent my in laws from giving an impromptu speech at our wedding. They’ve asked us multiple times and we’ve reiterated that we would love to have them speak at the rehearsal. Fiancé and I are on the same page, and definitely going with this band advice above!

I feel for you OP, good luck!

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We can take it in the DM and vent together. I feel you. Great that you have a band! We just have a DJ and ive come to accept that if they do, ill just live with it. But thats only because I’m now facing the battle of the classic mother in law and my fiancé’s sister throwing a tantrum as to why I didn’t choose her as a bridesmaid. Their knee jerk reaction was that they now do not want to attend our wedding. So fun!

While a musical performance does sound super cringe, could it be something you look back on and laugh about years down the road? “Omg remember that performance your family did?! Tom was so off key and Mary was always a beat behind, that was wild”. How long is this performance? How often will you see this extended family in the future? Maybe think about if 3 minutes of cringe is worth a lifetime of a close relationship with his family.
I hope that whatever happens your wedding is wonderful and everything you want it to be! ☺️

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