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You may have already done this but try entirely taking over feeding and playing with her, including treats and wet food. This way, she will have fun with you and build a relationship with you around things she likes (toys and food). You don’t need to continue indefinitely, but try this for a few weeks and see if it helps. Adding cat trees, scratching posts, places she can sit by the window, and self-powered toys will also give the cat ways to stay busy and entertained without bugging you.
It could be that things will improve with time. I have two cats who took months to integrate, and I see their relationship continuing to develop even after a year+ together. Feliway definitely helps as well.
I’m also allergic to cats and see a big improvement when we clean the apartment more frequently, especially the carpeted areas. We have a roomba that does an amazing job picking up dust and cat hair from carpets. We also change our sheets weekly.
Lastly, question regarding your partner. Did anything change on his end or in the apartment around the time you moved in? Did he start going back to the office, traveling, or working longer hours? Did he move her litter box or change her food or litter? Any of those changes could be stressing the cat out, and she may be misdirecting that stress onto you.
Hope some of this is helpful!
This is really the best advice here! Thank you, and it does help me understand and even empathize about her loss of her primary human, as annoying the outcome is for me personally.
Just want to say that you are a much nicer person than I am. I am mildly allergic to cats, but mostly I'm just not at all a cat person. My husband had a cat when we started dating, and he moved in with me after a year. Gave the cat to his parents. We've been together 10 years at this point. That cat is still alive lol I could not have waited it out. Thankfully his dad likes the little monster :)
Rising Star
Oh man I can relate to your SO! I have a very angry cat that I've had years before I met my SO. She'll sit and look at you from across the room, but don't you dare touch her if you're a stranger. We recently moved across the country and she's been extra angry. Cats are super sensitive to anything new and it takes them a while to adjust. Especially an old lady like that.
Sorry, but it'd be unfair to try and re-home the cat. You moved in knowing you're allergic and she's been part of his life for much longer. If she's anything like my cat, try giving her extra food/treats. If she knows you're the one feeding her, she may be less angry.
Hey there, not referring to you at all. It’s just a super common response to partners who can’t adjust to their partners cats. Not offended at all and I do appreciate your advice, and have been already doing all of what you have mentioned. But what I’m really looking for is a perspective that I can find more relatable. Hope that makes sense. Thanks again!
How old? If like 💀 old, maybe just wait it out.
Yeah, you’ve got less than 2 years. Try to enjoy that your partner enjoys the cat, but soon there will be but one 😂
Joe Goldberg enters 🔪
Cats are evil. Your only option is to make it look like an accident.
Hahahaha I wouldn’t dare
PS: posting here b’coz I’m hoping for some lighthearted support. There is enough mean shit I can put myself through online for daring to not like my partner’s old cat who I moved in with KNOWING I’m allergic. I’m the one suffering through the attacks so I’m aware. I’m
not a cat person but he is my person. Yes, I entered this with open eyes but that doesn’t make it less hard.
So if you’re an avowed cat-person who can’t empathize with this, I already know what you have to say — trust me I have read everything there is to read about this — and you can keep scrolling.
Venting b’coz it’s been rough and hoping some here would get it. 🙌🏽🙏🏽
I feel for you!!! Can’t imagine dating or moving in with a human + cat combo, I just couldn’t. You seem to really like this person so keep calm, hang in there.
Also: I’m highly allergic and currently on intense medication to make it more bearable to live with her. My partner is super supportive and makes whatever adjustments I need to feel comfortable. But the problem is me. And the fact that I don’t like living with a grumpy demanding cat who thinks I’m her servant. 🥲
all cats think we are their servants because we are.
I thought the same thing too.
But I am in servitude to these unrelenting assholes.
However I do love them with all my heart
I feel like the responses on this thread don’t give enough credit to OP of how much you are putting up with, ultimately, an animal. If I was dating someone with a pet I am highly allergic to, I would expect that person to put me in priority if we are at that stage of moving in and becoming serious of marriage. I come from a culture where we see pets as pets, definitely a part of the family (especially dogs) but humans are still priority before pets. Think about how sad the life would be if the partner priorities the cat over you or your children if one day circumstances go out of hand and one must sacrifice.
Thank you!! I come from a similar culture too. Pets are family but humans take priority. Thankfully my partner is really supportive and that’s why I’ve been able to manage this entire time. Like many responses have said, I’m really glad she is 18, but I also respect the love and bond my partner has for her.
I don't have experience with an elderly cat but when my cat gets stressed (in the car usually) I've been recommended Feliway which can calm them down. Maybe try that if she continues to cry?
Yes! Have been using that but stopped for a few months. Thank you. Will buy a huge stock again!
Can you put her in a separate room while you are WFH?
I mostly do that but have to check in on her multiple times since she cries a lot. Thinking of starting working from a library 😅
Do you pay attention to her when she's not asking for it? Like if shes just lounging somewhere do you ever go pet her and play with her? My cat is yowly and I've realized hes a lot better when I make it a point to give him some love throughout the day. I purposefully try to ignore him when hes annoyingly yowly so he doesnt learn that he gets his way when hes loud. I also recently enclosed our deck so he can get outside and that seems to help too, giving him things to distract him.
Yeah I try and do that a lot, which she doesn’t seem to mind. No outdoor space unfortunately so she’s home all day, and she’s been an indoor cat all her life.
Rising Star
Lucky 18 is really old and I wouldn’t haven’t let this stop me from moving in with my SO but I’d also be annoyed. Agree with trying calming items or CBD. Maybe also get a catnip or other enticing treat she could get distracted by. Do you live somewhere with nice weather? Maybe you could get an outdoor enclosure for the yard for some times during the day? My old cat used to live to stare at birds.
Thank you! I super appreciate you understanding this. Like I said, I knew what I was getting into but it doesn’t mean it’s less challenging. I’m going to get more catnip for her, so she is calmer. Unfortunately we live in a tiny NY apartment so there isn’t a lot of outdoor space. I got her toys to play with but she didn’t like them too much.
You mentioned she's elderly, maybe she's not well and your partner is her stability, so when the partner is away, she get's more stressed. Cats can be very vocal when they need help. I have one too that drives me nuts, but I made a commitment to him and I'm going to keep it. Was she checked out by a vet?
We thought that too. Have had several vet visits and got her some medications for minor nasal congestions she was suffering from. Thought that would help immensely and it did too, but not very much.
Rising Star
You could take the Carole Baskin approach
Any chance the cat is a Tortie?
That could be part of it.
Tortie refers to coloring/pattern. A Tortie is orange/red and black in patches, no white.
Every Tortie I’ve known has one person they love and that’s it. And they don’t always “love” their person—my sister-in-law had one that only wanted pets when she got out of the shower, no other times.
I’m a cat person, my husband is a cat person. He came with a Tortie (well she had some white but had the attitude of a full Tortie) kitten when we met. She loved me until he moved from a house to an apartment, then everything bad in her life was my fault. Forever. I tried everything and nothing worked. Not saying don’t try what people have suggested, just saying there might not be anything you can do to change her attitude.
My husband’s baby died this Fall at 19 1/2 years old. I do actually miss her yelling “You’re not my Mama” at me.
I feel like re-homing the cat may traumatize her more? Unless it’s a very experienced foster. And no offense but I would not give up my cat for my partner 😂
I don’t think re-homing is an option. She lives with us. The post is how to make it bearable for me to live with her.
Also, it’s kind of insensitive to mention that given that there has been no conversation around giving her up (or me for that matter). Good for you, but I’m really glad my partner feels differently.