I just need to vent about my MIL. She's a wonderful woman, but will sometimes give her opinions when nobody asked for them. We are looking at redoing our deck and got quotes around $30k and she said we can't spend that kind of money. Or, we literally just had a team of docs save our daughter's life and I want to get them a gift and she told me not to because they don't expect it and then after I told her why, said not to go overboard. Idk if it's just a life experience difference or what.

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Your MIL needs to be put on a low information diet.

likesmart

Choose carefully what to share with her. You don’t need to tell her your getting deck quotes for $30k. Maybe you can mention that you’re redoing your deck, or tell her only after you’ve hired someone and started the work so she has less to give opinions about. Give the doctors the gift without telling her about it - you can tell her after, or if you find she still comments negatively even after the fact, learn to not share things with her that she’ll judge/offer her unsolicited opinions. The daycare thing is harder but maybe you can have her app access removed if it’s getting too much.

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Sounds like my mother! Pick and choose what you share.

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Nope, nope , NO!

It’s your household and your children. She’s not entitled to know or sway any of what goes in either. I had to have a very stern conversation with my husband and tell him that our household comprises of me, him, and our baby girl. His mom is another household altogether and that means there’s boundaries she can’t cross. My MIL sounds like yours and when I let her even remotely close to anything, it comes with a “you can’t” or “you shouldn’t” or “I would never.” Now, she’s just lost that closeness and access. We’re all fine and happy and I love her to death but most of our business she finds out around the same time or after our close friends would.

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She doesn’t need to know any of that stuff. I get wanting to have a relationship/want her involved, but if you’re going to be disappointed by her responses just stop including her.

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Also, she gets updates from our other daughter's daycare app and will tell me when I need to complain about the kids eating hummus or if there's a new food item that our kid didn't like. I know she means well, but it's sometimes overwhelming, especially as we deal with our other kiddo in the hospital.

I’m not sure why YOU have to have the conversation. Your husband needs to be a united front with you and have the tough conversations with his own mother. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be there (actually I would insist on being there). But he should drive the conversation.

She should not have that sort of access that parents/guardians have. It’s not her place. Just because she had it for a specific reason at one time doesn’t mean she should have it forever

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I feel ya! Hang in there!

I understand. Mine took it upon herself to start telling people I was pregnant before we announced. Needless to say, she too is going on a low information diet.

WHY DO PEOPLE DEFAULT TO SPREADING THIS SENSITIVE NEWS.

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I like the low information diet idea! But also sounds like some of these things are innocuous topics that she’s still offering unsolicited advice on (eg the dr gift is not something I’d anticipate someone having an adverse reaction to). So I think if you haven’t yet, a pointed but diplomatic conversation with her about how you value her advice but when you need it you’ll ask for it is worth a shot as well. Ideally this comes from your husband but and then should be reenforced in the moments she relapses or simply refuses. (E.g. thanks Jill I check the updates from the daycare as well. We’re happy with the care child is getting. If you’re finding the updates are causing you stress we can ask the daycare to remove you)

It depends on the personality some are intentionally controlling, others are oblivious, some are just opinionated. My MIL falls into the last and husband has had to call her out on it a number of times and she does try to curb it. I also try to go out of my way to ask her her opinion on at least one thing every time I see her (then ignore it). But it helps!

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