I met up with some of the people I work with earlier this week. I’m a POC - black. These mostly non POC did not include me in conversations going on on the table and hardly ever looked me in the eye. It was my first time meeting most of them and it was quite disheartening to see it unfold. I’m not even a sensitive person and I’m not one to play too close attention to race, but the complete disregard made me gag. Now, I have a wall up to these individuals. Anyone else felt like this? Advice?

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Ah the classic excuse of blaming your skin color

likefunnysmart

Lol try being black for a day, huh PWC? Guess you have it real hard, what with your great job huh buddy? The nerve of some people

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it's highly unlikely that it's because you're black per se. it may be because of cultural differences though. I would try being more confident, connecting 121 with folks, hopping into conversations uninvited (while bringing your most fun self--everyone wants to be entertained)... and only if none of that works, then consider that maybe they're a little racist.

likesmart

Haha! Well you guys don't *have to* do any of this. But you don't *have to* have friends at work, either! (Also... the people don't have to be friendly... no matter what the race dynamics...)

re:"authentic self" -- if your goal is to be seen for who you most authentically are, then show up ad that. If your goal is to have work friends, well, I point you to that source of modern wisdom, the Bible: "ya gotta be friendly if ya wanna have friends!"

Anyway, OP said they're bubbly so idk.

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Maybe it's nothing to do with your skin color

likefunnysmart

PWC2 being black doesn’t give you a right to be gatekeep. You don’t own the POC title, it’s not all about YOU.

That's a not-uncommon behavior I've seen over the years when meeting a new person, especially if these folks have been together in person for a while. It can be hard to welcome someone into your circle, especially for people who are potentially socially awkward around newcomers. Or they could just be assholes.

If there are other POCs already in the group, I wouldn't jump straight to thinking it's race based.

likesmart

Ah, you said the group was mostly non-POC, so by extension I took that to mean there were other POCs in the group.

My point still stands, it's at least somewhat common for groups to be cliquey and cold to newcomers. It's unfortunate, but I've seen that happen more times than I'd like over the years, even for racially homogeneous groups.

People could also be awkward, could have a hard time socializing in person after covid (I've seen this one big time), could be a personality mismatch between you and the group, they could just be a bag of dicks, etc.

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Did they all already know each other and you were the only new person?

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I have a coworker like this as well (white woman and I’m a black woman). She would always talk around me in conversations and never directly engage me. And I feel like it’s not “racist” but more of an unconscious bias that needs to be addressed. I feel like people gravitate to people they are familiar with. I.e. we couldn’t be more different and the only person she gave the time of day to was another brunette white woman (like herself). Either they just have a low level of EQ or are just being intentionally rude.

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Agreed

I try to avoid looking anyone in the eye ever unless we’re having sex. Coworkers expect you to look them in the eye the whole time?

likefunny

Someone please email and ask 😂

This could be a lot of things. I work with a woman who intentionally excludes me from conversation and flat out ignores me in the office. I don’t know why, but it rubs off on the other people I work with, so I don’t get included in conversation when she’s around, so it could just be one person in the group who is rude, and everyone else follows, so I wouldn’t write off everyone you met as being the same. I would look at interactions you have outside of that one, and how people act one on one for a better reflection of them.

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Thank you!! Maybe this is the case

Mind you, I’m quite bubbly and not shy. So the lack of inclusion that I felt was not the best

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Been there done that.

Leave the Big 4… but understand that tech and banking are worse 😔

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You may be boring?

smart

People generally gravitate towards and have conversations with people they find interesting. Do you share common interests with them? Attractiveness also plays a bigger role than race imo. If you have an off-putting disposition, people will exclude you.

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It depends but I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s due to POC. I’m European and when I’m in the work environment or social setting where my colleagues are talking about college football, I really do not have much to contribute so they just don’t look at me much when they talk. However, if it’s some subject that I can relate to; it is all normal. The only reason I say this is because when I talk to someone about soccer and there are Americans who do not watch soccer, I really don’t acknowledge them much even if they are at the table. Hopefully that’s the case here. It could also be that they knew each other from before and you might be new in the group. I feel like race gets thrown around easily but it could be something completely different.

Meeting up with coworkers in a social setting, I've forgotten how much eye contact is normal and how much is weird/creepy. I've caught myself intentionally avoiding it, and make an effort to correct it. But it's not an issue for people I'm close to.

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