I miss the grind. Yes, I do!

I have a weird background. I was raised by a narcissistic but intelligent single mom. My father, also an intelligent man, is smart enough to shy away from her. Because of her workoholism and mental issues, I lived with my grandparents from age 6-17 per an agreement with CPS.

I have always worked very hard and long hours, both in HS, C, LS and then some yrs in biglaw. And I was much happier then when there was always smthng to do and my inbox was full.

(tbc below)

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Yeah, also raised by a narcissist here. You need therapy. You miss the grind because the grind is distracting you from everything else. Once I dealt with my issues I felt like everyone else did about the hours in biglaw. What you are describing is an unhealthy coping mechanism.

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This. I feel you OP, I also get anxious sometimes when I don’t have anything to do/accomplish. But step 1 is recognizing that’s not healthy and finding more healthy outlets for your energy and passions than just work.

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Want to take my weekend shifts for me?

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Holidays gave me anxiety bc I was largely left alone with my thoughts.

I recently decided I’d try something more "relaxing" as I wanted to get a taste of how it is to have time to "have a life" as they say.

On weekend nights and occasionally during the week I hang out with friends or go on dates. Apart from that, it’s the anxiety of what feels like the post 5pm and weekend oblivion. I don’t like it. I need stuff to do and focus on.

I have recently started trying to use nights and weekends to work a little. But there’s just nothing happening. Almost never any incoming e-mails or calls like I’m used to, and never any responses before the next or Monday morning. It gives me anxiety and a feeling of being alone.

Working in biglaw is like a world of its own that never sleeps and you never feel alone and can have someone’s attention nearly 24/7 if you want. I realize I liked it more than I should have done, almost pathologically.

Anyone else who feels the same?

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Damn, that’s some deep stuff.

I feel you but have you considered working with a therapist? I found that to be life changing. Having a therapist can be akin to what it’s like to have a personal trainer but for your brain/emotions.

Also, picking up hobbies was like the self love version of “working” more for me. Except that it didn’t leave me feeling drained and made me a better and more fulfilled person.

likeuplifting

As someone who chose WLB over extra $, I think you’re missing out on a lot of what is beautiful in the world.

There are so many places to see (the jungles of Indonesia, the west African coastline, Indian palaces), so many things to experience (a hot air balloon over the Serengeti, the Eiffel Tower sparkling in the evening), and people to meet. I am doing everything I can to have passive income and spend my life in the world, rather than before a computer screen.

I would suggest tackling your “stillness” anxiety by taking a trip somewhere, and maybe even working remotely from there for a few weeks.

likehelpful

Indonesia's got nice beaches and mountains too, and is a very cheap place to live.

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Sounds like the grind is a distraction from other unpleasant thoughts/feelings. A3 is right, there's a whole world out there. I feel like you could benefit greatly from therapy.

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Tried therapy? I probably take too much time for myself according to partners but I can fathom the opposite. There is a whole world out there.

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I kindof feel this way after going to trial. Losing the rush of adrenaline and feeling like I'm accomplishing a ton is hard.

Given your background it might make sense to talk through it in therapy though.

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You like working because it distracts you from what you feel. You will need to work through your issues eventually, or in the long term your life will trend in a downwards direction. There are dimensions to life you have literally never experienced, and will take years of focused effort on improving yourself before you will be able to experience them.

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