I need some advice here.
I recently got to know that my husband cheated on me while we were dating. It was with a messed up friend. It was a new city, they did not know anyone else, and for the sake of wanting to keep the friendship, did not put a full stop to it until after our engagement. That female is no longer in our lives, no contact.
What should I do?
1. Look forward and move past it.
2. Leave.
Timeline:
Dating since 2017.
Cheating : Apr18-dec18.
Engaged Jan 2019. Married 2020.

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I hate that he just unloaded this on you. Like either tell the person right away or take it to the grave. It’s not fair to wait until you’re married where you now have this difficult choice to make. It’s very selfish on his part to be honest.

I have no advice except to tell you as someone who’s been married for over 20 years, this will absolutely keep coming up in your marriage over and over. Be prepared for that if you decide to stay.

likesmart

First, I am sorry you're going through this. Those feelings are gut wrenching.

Past that, my husband had a bout years back where he was really stressed because of an awful job and stupidly started talking to someone else and developed feelings for her. I discovered it myself, and it lead to some of the roughest months of our marriage. They kissed once, but didn't get to sex- but he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me for a portion of time which I was blindsided by. Long story short...he was in therapy, I was in therapy, and then we had therapy together. It was incredibly tough for a while, but we did weather it. We have been happy, and I don't live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just want you to know it can work out, sometimes.

Please though, the most important thing is to make sure you are alright. Therapy, time away if you need it, and divorce if you can't deal with it. Not saying our situations are the same, but I remember how I felt.❤

likeupliftingsmarthelpful

Thank you! ♥️

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Recent IconRecent

Sorry, 12-15 times. That’s an affair. Think about it. They were having sex more than people in most relationships do. Not ok.

Also, how did you find out? He told you? That matters too.

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I think it’s pretty disappointed he waited to tell you after you were engaged and married - if his real objective was full honesty (vs just guilt or this girl threatening to tell you etc) he would have told you before you fully committed to each other. The question is how do you feel about this all? Do you think you can ever trust him again? Those are the factors that ultimately determine whether you stay or leave. Can you repair this and have enough trust with him to build a life? Assuming you don’t have kids? Work this out beforehand

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I may forgive if it happened just once, not 12-15 times. It becomes a choice after one time (And how can you be sure there’s no one else). That’s just me though.

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But he was cheating on you through many of those “beautiful” moments. I don’t know if I could get past that amount of lying and betrayal but I know people that have and wish you the best in whatever course you decide.

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As a fellow cheater- once a cheater...

likefunny

I’m also curious..

Wow so much I want to say. It’s always the old fashioned in me that says you need to stick it out and fight for your marriage then comes the woman in me that has feelings!

1. The fact that he kept it going for THAT long tells me he’s a sociopath. I’m kinda curious as to why he even told you. I’m pretty certain she was using it over his head and THATS why he finally said it. Not that he couldn’t live with himself but he was over being blackmailed.

2. It takes ALOT to cheat. Im sure you know it - you are human. Im sure you’ve been hit on or seen some attractive guys when you’re out. But you’ve had respect for your relationship and fought the urge to do anything to compromise it.

3. I started at this new company and had no idea this guy had a gf of like 5 years. I fell hard for him. I was always the type that avoided relationships etc so that’s how he got away with it for so long. We would literally sleep together etc and he did not feel an ounce of guilt. When I found out about her I was livid devastated you name it. At that point forget my feelings, I felt bad for the poor girl he was with for years. I asked him if he feels bad about cheating etc and he legit told me no. That I’m the only one and he can’t resist me etc. which I think is BS. When someone wants to do something they’ll do anything to make it seem like they aren’t a horrible person. Long story short it took me a few weeks after I found out but I stopped it all and never told the girl. I feel SO guilty and wish I had told her but couldn’t muster up the courage. I do know that if I hit him up today he would respond and if I wanted to hang out I know he would.

4. Only you know your relationship. Not even your closest friends know for we only share some of the good and part of the bad. It takes two to tango and obviously something drove him to cheat it’s just the what I’m curious. Totally unacceptable and if he had only communicated what he was going through this could have been avoided.

5. What doesn’t sit well with me is that literally one month after he decides to propose. This makes me question if he only did it out of guilt?

6. If you stay with him will you truly forgive and forget? Your marriage will be miserable if every other day you bring it up. Will you trust him to travel for work? If the answer to these are no then you know what to do.

7. Also how did you not pick up on the cheating? Did you ask where it would happen? Would he buy her things?

8. Was he having sex with her then coming to you? … that’s dirty and grimy

9. Were they using protection?

10. 8 months is long ass time. Clearly something happened between them that it ended just saying.


Sounds like there’s more to the story and you’re being a little naive with believing his small details. He’s clearly capable of lying. Just know you’re okay to feel mad and upset but this is your time to ask him whatever you want to make you feel comfortable.

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New year resolution to not cheat?! That seems like a very weak reason op.. shouldnt the reason be to be faithful to you? And most ny resolutions are usually broken by February.. I am sorry you are going through this.. I am following this post and it has stuck with me even though I am single 🤦🏻‍♀️

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He was having an affair for nearly the whole year leading up to proposing? I don’t think I could ever feel the same way about him after this, so I would leave :(

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😣😣

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You need therapy OP!

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What c2 said

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12-15 times is absolutely an affair

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Hmmmm, until I read 12 - 15 times….

Go to counseling & see if you can salvage the relationship?

likesmart

Thank you.

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I think it’s ok to forgive someone if you want to and think you can. It will take lots of work, but it doesn’t have to mean the end.

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I agree on the fact that it’s going to be a lot of work.

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This is super tough. So you got engaged ~1 month after the affair ended?

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“She’s still dating the poor guy” I mean you are still with your husband. It’s pretty much the same thing. The way she went around it is totally incorrect but there was something lacking in your relationship and well maybe think of the fact not that he “chose” you but that you were the safe choice. I’m sure he pictures his life with the other girl thinking it can turn around and her do the same to him.

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I’m sorry this happened.

likeuplifting

I’d note that he probably didn’t tell you because he’s sorry (he didn’t wait all this time to be sorry)
It’s more likely that he told you for HIMSELF. Because HE felt bothered about it, because HE couldn’t keep it in anymore.

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Or he thought someone else would. Maybe the girl. Maybe one of the friends that knew.

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Your husband “doesn’t believe in friendships” now? Why, because it caused him to cheat? It didn’t just happen to him, he chose to have an affair for almost a year of your relationship and lie to your face everyday afterwards. Then to immediately propose after ending it. God.

I agree with a lot of the comments above, if he said 12-15 times, there were more times he’s downplaying. How do you know they weren’t having sex in you and your husband’s bed? It’s hard to find the right words for what a terrible piece of garbage he is.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this OP, you deserve so much better.

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Nope. That’s not what is happening. He has distanced himself from that group, that’s it. He still has some friendships he values, people separate from that group. As for me, he never had and never will stop me from talking and spending time with my friends. He is an extroverted fun person and has over time integrated himself in my group of friends. We are all couples in late 20s so it’s not like we are the only couple. When I am with my girlfriends, he gives me the space.

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Disagree with most of the posts here.
You’re married now. He cut it off and asked you to marry him. He chose you. And by the sounds of it he hasn’t done it since. Unlike people in the “Once a cheater” camp, I believe that a remorseful cheater will end up being the most loyal partner you’ll ever have. He’s seen what cheating can do to you and won’t do it again.

As someone who has been married a very long time, take it from me, as you build a life together, over time the fact that he had a regrettable fling before you got married will fade into insignificance. Marriage/parenthood/building a life together are all bigger than that.

likeupliftingsmart

Damn.

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How did you find out?

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And if he confessed to 11 to 14 times you may as well double that number.

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After cheating once, it becomes alot easier to keep cheating because that boundary has already been crossed (and he would have gotten away with it had he not told you, so no real consequences if you don't leave him). This will be a torn in your relationship forever... do you want to continue a marriage with this baggage? Also I think the sunk cost fallacy needs to be addressed (i.e. if you knew he had cheated on you earlier, would you still marry him today?)

likehelpful

It’s just too much to process.

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OP, you've gotten a lot of advice in here (both good and bad) and it's obvious you're struggling with the decision. To the extent it helps, consider my story. I don't think I've ever told this to anyone, so forgive any bumpiness.

I was in a remarkably similar situation. My partner and I were long-distance due to my work requiring constant travel about 6 weeks home during the year). We hit a patch where the relationship was "off" but I could never get her to tell me what was wrong. We agreed to a separation over one summer and we planned to meet at the end of the summer to discuss things. During our breakup a friend told me she'd had an affair with a mutual friend that lasted about six months and ended shortly before we broke up.

I was DEVASTATED. Because I was 800 miles away, I confronted her over the phone. She admitted to the affair and said it was the biggest mistake she'd ever made. I know it was fueled by undiagnosed depression, and she started setting a therapist during this same timeframe to deal with some significant internal struggles. She said (and I believed) that she had planned to come clean about the affair when we met to discuss our relationship, "lay it all out there" so to speak, and let me decide if I wanted to get back together or not.

It was really painful, and at first I swing back and forth between wanting to know everything and wanting never to think about it again. Honestly, the physical and emotional distance probably helped in that initial period.

We met up at the end of the summer. I was still very hurt, but she came into it with a complete willingness to take ownership of and apologize for her choices. There was no defensiveness on her part, even when I lashed out or was intentionally cruel.

We ultimately decided to get back together. The first 4-6 months was difficult. I had some serious trust issues, but she was completely understanding and was willing to do anything that I felt I needed in order to rebuild what we had. The pain didn't just go away overnight, and I'd have moments where the entire thing just flooded back into my head and made me angry and sad all over again.

This all happened in 2012. This year, she and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. We are happier now than we ever have been, and I can honestly say that my love for her has not been diminished in the slightest. I still, VERY rarely, have moments where something triggers a memory and I get a twinge of hurt. But she is my soulmate and my best friend, and we are building a life together. I have made it to a point where I have zero doubts about her. As someone said above, the "once a cheater" isn't a universal rule, and I firmly believe that she would never even entertain the idea of straying again because the pain wasn't just felt by me, it nearly destroyed her too.

At the end of the day, you're the only one who knows your relationship. I took a long hard look at mine, and decided what I felt was the best way forward. It worked out, and I wouldn't change anything if I had to do it over. But that is an incredibly personal decision, and one that cannot be made lightly.

likehelpful

Love that it didn’t break you guys up. OP: for what it’s worth, I also agree that “once a cheater” phrase is not a universal truth. There’s so many other variables at play many times, it’s not fair to make a sweeping statement like that.

It’s a personal choice to “forgive and let go”. Outsourcing advice may feel overwhelming and not ideal when it’s all on how you want to handle things.

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Uh. This is a very personal decision. Maybe I’d look at an STI test, and weigh the huge pain of going through a divorce etc. vs. how betrayed you felt.

Given that you already seem to be weighing these options, you seem to be at least willing to move past it. But can you do it without expecting nothing in return (i.e. no leeway for you as a result for that)? Or will you be resentful when things do not go your way?

If in the end you decide that you’re absolutely able to forget it entirely, then stay. If not, then leave. Did you have a pre-nup?

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It’s been 15 years for me and I’m still resentful. But then again it occurred more than once. Looking back maybe I didn’t think enough of myself or have enough confidence. If it were now I would be gone, but I hoped it would all work out. Only you can make that decision and live with those thoughts….everyone is different

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