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My husband suffers from severe anxiety and depression. He is an awesome man most of the time. He is a great dad & husband. We split chores equally everyday & he prioritizes us over anyone. He also does pot daily to manage his anxiety. He had quit from time to time for months at a time but something happens that spirals him into depression and then he gets back on pot. He had suicidal thoughts occasionally but pot keeps him even keeled. He has tried therapy and medications but the side effects with medications were hard for him. So he started pot in the last couple of years. He only does it after work in the evening and I don’t think he is ‘high’ on it but sane on it. It definitely seems to help him. I am not sure if this is the right solution for us. But I had rather have him do pot than do something drastic with all the demons he battles. Just offering another perspective.
SC1 - came here to post a similar perspective. Canadian here so we have legal weed and have had medical weed legal for quite awhile now so the stigma around using marijuana is very different for us. I have a number of friends that have to use it daily. Such as a friend who’s husband was diagnosed with MS in his 30s. He runs a private equity fund and smokes weed everyday. This is just one anecdotal example, I have more but I do believe that marijuana can be a very effective treatment for a variety of issues. Anxiety and depression being a couple. With the right dosage and strain it can really change some peoples lives. Unfortunately people still perceive daily smokers as potheads and it’s just not well understood but a lot of people. My brother is a lawyer and smokes almost every day. My ex ran a VC fund, smokes almost every day. So I dunno 🤷🏼♀️ I can’t help with OPs marriage but just thought I’d share that there could be another way to view this.
Chief
OP - As someone with a high functioning alcoholic father, I can completely sympathize. I’ve watched my mother suffer her entire life and trying to change him, failing. Knowing what addiction does to family, I would walk away the instant someone becomes an addict and give them space to seek help. People normalize marijuana usage because it’s become accepted and legal but when abused, addiction is addiction no matter the legality. I would move out and see if he wants to get help and marriage counseling, if not,
Proceed with divorce.
Have you looked into Al Anon meetings? While it won’t prevent your husband from using, it may be helpful to surround yourself with a community of others who have loved ones facing addiction.
I reached out to one of my local chapters and asked someone to call me. They were able to give me the skinny on which ones catered more towards those with alcoholic parents, vs children with addiction issues, vs spouses. Some even had a calendar of when those specific meetings were. Not all of them are that organized.
Omg sounds like my soon to be ex-husband. I know it's going to be difficult but I would get out ASAP
How did you decide to finally get out? I’m just so confused about whether to help or leave
It’s not your job to choose how he should be living his life, but it is your job to choose the type of person you want to be with.
My ex husband had a similar relationship to pot over the years and we never resolved it. Another thing that always got me was his complete unwillingness to exercise, like he didn’t care about his body or living a healthy lifestyle. I grew to learn that we were quite simply incompatible, he was never going to change, and I couldn’t live my best life with him. Leaving was the hardest and best thing I ever did, I finally chose myself.
Pro
Info: did a doctor diagnose the marijuana addiction? Can you add more detail about how this has impacted your relationship?
He is seeing a psychiatrist (for anxiety) who knows he is using but unsure of whether he is officially diagnosed (I didn’t know this was a thing) — our marriage counselor has pointed out that addiction is evident but it didn’t go past that.
Our relationship is very one sided unless I ask him to do something. I cook, clean, plan our trips/weekend stuff, I get groceries, I review our finances..he mainly just goes to work and comes back home and works again or sports until bed(usually doses off on couch). Forgets things unless I do them with him.
Lot of sports/screen time - he doesn’t like to hang out with “my” friends or their husbands and feels inferior to them..usually can only hit it off with people who smoke.
We don’t talk about goals, or our future or anything along those lines - and I think it’s because he’s high when he’s home
How is he addicted? Like how does he “prioritize” it over you?
Thank you for validating D1. Sometimes it does feel like “am I being over the top about this or is this not an addiction” so I appreciate your words ❤️
Rising Star
Hey OP I dealt with something similar early in my marriage as well. It’s a tough situation. It got where he would prioritize pot over job drug tests and starting lying about smoking all the time. We were also long distance for a bit (he was in NC and I was in NY for about a year and a half). From experience, it’s not going to get better until you guys are in the same house. You are not being unreasonable at all. Has he gone to counseling by himself at all?
We are in the same house and things haven’t changed..I thought it would be different if/when we got married as he said he would stop but the lying/hiding is getting worse and I feel like there is no trust. Any excuse to smoke -
He has not seen a therapist on his own but is going to a psychiatrist for anxiety(taking meds and smoking still)
How did you overcome it?
Please know, and this was shared by 3 different SA psychiatrists, 4 outpatient substance abuse counselors, 2 marriage therapist, and my ex’s own therapist, that you can not do marriage counseling or improve the relationship with someone who is active in their addiction. It cost me 5 years of my life and a lot of my sanity. They are not their to contribute their 💯 to the improvement of the marriage. The other person has to want to work on themselves and show it with action. They also have a lot of growing up to do as addiction changes the brain, how choices are made, sense of entitlement, etc. Addicts generally also become abusive or neglectful of family members and spouses. Only you will know what’s right for you. Please do what you can to protect yourself, your well-being, and your assets. You have every right to protect yourself.
I feel like I have done everything possible to get him help - therapy, couple counseling, stopped asking him about it (didn’t help), started being healthier myself (to motivate him)...but we just don’t seem to think the same on this topic. Am I being unreasonable? It’s leading to us resenting e//o..no intimacy..no connection - I just feel alone. I asked him if he wants to separate and he laughs it off —- I don’t want to waste anymore time..has anyone gone through something similar?
Think about how much you’re having to carry this relationship now, and then imagine having children on top of that. It doesn’t sound like you’re married to an equal partner or a functioning adult. You’re letting him know you’re unhappy and he’s willing to keep you that way rather than consider changing his behaviour.