I never had a great relationship with my dad because we never saw eye to eye, he doesn't understand anything I say, and tries to turn everything into a lesson. He spends a lot of time sending me hour long videos about things like conspiracy theories or celebrity drama, attached with a "deep message" from him

(Cont)

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I haven't lived in the same country or seen him in almost a decade, it def got worse after he cheated on my mom. I have communicated that I can't watch all these videos and when he spams my phone with these, it pushes me away and I can't mentally handle it. He said just a reply would suffice, but he sends so many and I don't feel ok replying if I haven't watched these

For additional context, I'm an investment banker, so I already have a lot of stress and barely even have time to address personal messages in general, especially when I'm getting 4 emails per minute from work.

I also struggle with depression and anxiety already, which cause me to have my stomach clench when I get texts, overwhelms me, and makes me want to draw away from people in general.

I just don't know what to do

I truthfully have no more interest in attempting to have him in my life, as I find he is adding to my negativity in my life, I only feel conflicted because I feel bad for him

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Turn off notifications, text him back once a week...

Can relate - it’s a mental “push and pull” (need to push them away for space but feel anxious / guilty about doing so and so invite them back). And for you it must be exhausting, anxiety inducing, and draining. So sorry to hear. But I see that you are doing your best

My biggest advice would be to first make sure all your needs are met first. You can’t pour from an empty cup. 1/ what are the activities that bring you the most peace + joy and how can you do those more often? 2/ who are the people that do the same and how can you connect more? 3/ what are things you do to “treat” yourself that are just pure bliss and how can you work them in life more? I understand Ibd puts a huge time constraint here, but I’d make sure you’re spending the balance of time on things that are actively bringing you joy vs feeling bad / ruminating in your precious spare time.

Second and only to the extent you have appetite for (I understand everyone has their own approach to this- so this would be optional), trying to unpack some of the things you mentioned. It sounds like your relationship with your parents and some of the issues you mentioned are somewhat interrelated, and so there may be interesting linkages to explore there. There is therapy and also some material on this to check if any of it resonates (theholisticpsychologist on insta, victor frankl, glen doyle, etc.) once again, this is trial and error, only to see if anything truly resonates + is helpful.

Best of luck. I know this is normalized, but it is also toxic. Take care of yourself - you are already doing your best on all fronts, and that fact doesn’t change even if it may not feel like it sometimes. Rooting for you

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Thank you EM 😊 this was great to read, and lots of food for thought beyond my original post!

Really appreciate the material suggestions too! Started giving a look, I'm honestly seeing a lot that resonates in there with me. I'm not sure why it never occurred to me to consider therapy for this as well (since I've gone for other things) but I think I'll start looking once things are a bit better with covid.

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It sounds like you don't want to completely shut him off which is fair though I don't know if I'd be so forgiving if my dad cheated on my mom. For your own sake though, you should stop feeling like you have to respond to every single one of his messages like it's homework. Maybe you are overcompensating for never having a great relationship with him but this isn't healthy even if you DID have a good relationship. I suggest reducing the frequency of interactions in general and ignoring all the consiparacy nonsense that's only wasting your time.

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Yeah, you're totally right, I absolutely am trying to compensate. I was honestly a brat as a kid, rebellious teen (I wasn't a "bad" kid traditionally, I didn't do drugs or anything, but I lashed out when I got bullied at school, or got unfairly angry at my dad because of stupid things like not having money/race)

My mom actually encouraged me to maintain a relationship with him, or there's no way I would even go there to be honest.

I guess I didn't realize this wasn't normal to be honest. I see memes about asian parents so I thought most of them were like this

I think you can cut your dad some slack. You are clearly top of mind for him.

Asian parents are often not the most skilled at communicating because they never had the education/training you did, but they are 100% dedicate to investing in their kids hoping they will exceed them one day. I'm sure your dad is proud of you.

I'm sure you were annoying at times when you were a kid and your parents tolerated you. Why not do the same? I'm sure you dealt with clients who are worse.

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Agree w maybe having a stockpile of responses based on your 2 sec view of what the video content will be like “Wow great insights here - lots to think about especially as XYZ”, “Super interesting, never thought about XYZ in this way!” or even “I’m in meetings for the next 6 hours but I’ll watch this the second I get home!”

I’m going to share a very limited POV based on my own past experiences here. Based on what you shared in earlier posts about him sending you this barrage of videos without having deeper discussion with you, then guilting you when you don’t respond, makes me think that he is projecting some unresolved issues of his own. I know you feel guilt, but it sounds like he has his own mix of shame / guilt / trauma / broken relationships that he’s experiencing as well, but perhaps not dealing with it as thoughtfully as he could. Maybe his sending of these videos is not to change your mind per se, but his way of reaching out and feeling heard / needed by you without having to wade into more vulnerable waters. I would realize that these are all valid emotions for him to have — but that they are not your problem to solve. And you shouldn’t feel responsible for his feelings, only because it’s actually impossible for any of us to change the feelings of anyone else. And if all he needs is some reassurance that you’re there and you care (as you clearly do), a quick note that signals “thanks, this video was great, i recognize that you are thinking of thinking of me and I care about you as well” might be something worth trying. Just my 2 cents and not intending to overstep any at all

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Don’t respond to what he writes necessarily, but do send him a picture of your lunch and dinner every day. That’s all you need to do so he knows you have him in your thoughts

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Sorry to hear. Seems like a difficult situation. Just focus on you. Seems like your life, job is super stressful already, maybe something / someone that will only give positive energy vibe when you are not working?

That’s a very traditional Asian attitude, trying to be “helpful”, in fact not. Focus on yourself for the next little while first. IBD analyst programs are not easy, so you need 💯 energy and effort there to succeed.

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I tell my own father go suck a #%&”

Oh boy haha trying to avoid that 😅

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Block hid number for a week; that usually works. If not, block for two weeks. Repeat and add a week each time as needed until he gets it.

Yeah, I didn't even really block him but I "muted" a bit before because my phone was going off nonstop, and I ended up getting messages on linkedin where he wrote a really long paragraph about how it was hurting and worrying him, so that hit me hard. And basically this happened whenever I forget to reply somewhere. Or he asked my uncle/aunt to message me 😭 thinking of letting them know actually, I don't think they really know why I sometimes don't respond.

My dad and I have a good relationship but my brother and I also struggled with him just spamming us with videos. We actually ended up having a phone call with him about it asking why he would send all these videos - mostly themed of "the west wants you to believe X about China - this is the REAL TRUTH!". Turns out he just wanted us to feel proud about being (Malaysian) Chinese. Once we communicated to him that we're actually quite aware of media bias (both pro and anti China) and that we didn't need the video lectures, he backed off a bit with all the videos.

I generally send him photos of my dog, and also as suggested by someone below, my meals. I do the same for my mum (who, incidentally, cheated on my dad and moved back to Malaysia without telling me - that took a lot of therapy to deal with).

Having said that it sounds like your job is super stressful and that you don't have a lot of resources to deal with what sounds like a very heavy load of work, emotional and mental health issues. I would endorse muting your phone and "filling your cup" as suggested by someone else below.

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