I recently ended a 5 year relationship to someone I thought I was going to marry and everyday I worry I made the wrong decision. At the end of the day though our values weren’t in alignment - he became very conservative over the years (or more open about his perspectives on it).. such that he thought being gay is something not to be discussed/ encouraged, abortion should be illegal etc. And just felt an inconsistency with his level of compassion/empathy that was confusing bc it felt hot and cold

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The best part about being with someone more conservative is that they are 100% all in on your nuclear family.

It's worth keeping in mind sphere of interest vs sphere of influence.

Most of what he felt passionately about is just going to be spheres of interest in your life - you'll have very little influence on those things other than like once a year when you vote.

However if that's the mountain you want to die on - you would never work out. So I suppose that's the thing you have to consider.

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Yes but I think there’s a diff between having open candid convos about sexuality versus instilling your perspective that you shouldn’t be gay, trying to convert your kid etc

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Those are some massive values / issues to not be aligned on even if they never ‘directly’ impact your relationship, let alone if they do!! Eg if you need an abortion, if you have kids and they are not straight.

IMO you made the right decision. Don’t look back and find someone better aligned with your values.

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100% leaving this man was the right choice.

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I think values are at the core of everything and if this was already bothering you it will become a bigger issue as you get older, have kids, and get stronger in your political beliefs.

I was in a 5 year relationship when I was young (17-23), when we broke up it felt like a divorce and sometimes still does. Happily married now to someone else whose values/life direction are more aligned to mine. This too shall pass — following your gut decision is always the right one.

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Thank you ❤️❤️ so happy for you!

Somehow as a liberal I have luck falling for pretty conservative 🤣 To the level where my recent ex yelled at me because I am pro Roe v Wade and veganism. How can I be okay with killing babies if you are vegan?

I can be pretty understanding and maybe I am more moderate liberal but still, If your ex wouldn’t even be okay supportive of their kid if they are gay, I am sure you made the right choice

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I also ended a five-year relationship about a year ago. Sometimes I also wonder if I made the right decision(normal feelings). However as I self reflect from who I was last year and who I am today, I don’t regret it. I miss him, but don’t regret it. We were unaligned with our point of views and it caused stress and toxicity. Granted I also ended things due to his cheating, but ultimately we were not a good fit. It’s not going to be easy to move forward, but if it’s what’s best for you, you should do

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Not sure what I’m looking for here other than wondering if anyone has been in this situation before and how things turned out for you? Did you end up finding someone you aligned with better? 5 years was a long time for me and I do miss him.

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It sounds like these types of positions are extremely important to you, and the ideological disconnect would’ve resulted in problems down the road. You wouldn’t have ended a 5 year relationship if that wasn’t true to some degree. Regardless of whether it was a good / bad or justified / unjustified breakup, that’s a long time to spend with someone, and I’d be surprised if you didn’t feel some guilt or regret as a result of being the one to cut it off. But you made the decision that was right for you, and now you’ll be better armed to assess compatibility with future potential partners.

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Yeah that makes me feel better. I will def discuss values / political stance early on bc I’ve realized it is important to me ..

There were other things like him shutting down/ignoring me during these conversations and then not wishing my mom good luck on her surgery which is crazy

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If your values don’t align on politics, ethic, or relationship… ya it won’t work out. No one is right or wrong but it’s good it ended.

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How often did you discuss political issues with him during those five years? I think that you can come to a common ground about these things, that there is more nuance than the red vs. blue political structure leads us to believe.

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^ 100% its very black and white I’ve observed; he said he would still love his kid but “can’t say he wouldn’t pass judgment”

And good q keyholder… I wonder that often; I think it’s a combo. In the beginning he would say he was moderate / libertarian and didn’t care what people did w their lives / bodies but that changed…

I don’t think you made the wrong decision. If you two got married, you likely would’ve been raising kids together one day. And how is a child supposed to reconcile extreme ideological differences from the parents? Which one do they trust to teach them values? Would you want the father of your child to be teaching them things that you fundamentally disagree? I couldn’t do it. I am open to hearing other’s political views and am a political independent (but a progressive at that). I have trumpy friends and socialist friends. But I would draw the line at marriage on disagreeing about those things. I would be miserable

100% agree. One of my best friends loves trump and is super conservative but would I marry him ? No lol. Ok this is validating thank you

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