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I recently got engaged and my fiancé and I are in process of moving in together (new place for both of us). I feel great about us, but I’m finding myself really nervous about this step (cont.)

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Chores is more of a challenge for couples normally. I finally scared my fiancé into having the dishes clean when I get home Thursday nights 😂 happy wife, happy life 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Just be prepared to decide what is important for you. If he doesnt close the shower curtain, can you live with that or do you feel your blood boil when its open? You cant ask him to change everything he foes that bothers you so think hard about what matters. My fiance and i discussed the chores we dislike most so we generally try to do what the other doesnt like (doesnt mean we ignore things that arent “our responsibility”, just means we make more of an effort to handle certain tasks). Also know that they may do things later than you - theyll pick up the towel but itll take them 3 days while you want it picked up that moment. Always say thank you, to recognize each others efforts. Try not to nit pick and nag- if he is vaccuming and you are worried he will miss a particular spot, dont say anything. You can check later to see if he did and in the future request that he gets it. But if you immediately assume he wont get it and direct everything he does he will feel like he cant do anything right.

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25 years of marriage and I still rearrange the dishwasher!

I think it depends on personality. I’m very type a and organized and my partner is not. He lets me organize and decide where household things go. He’s happy to give me control on the matter. We sometimes coordinate.. i.e went couch and dining room table shopping together and I ask his opinion on pictures/art to hang. What are your personality types? Are you a more thoughtful organizer?

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Based on my experience and what I’ve seen from other couples, this is a complicated question and rarely « works itself out » - or if it does, the woman ends up doing most of the work. I’d have an explicit conversation on what you both expect and what is important to you. Try to assign tasks or areas of responsibility so you each know what you have to do. Then be patient, see how things go, and adjust as needed. If either of you chronically isn’t following through with what you committed to, have another conversation. This could all vary depending on your work situations and personal habits- I don’t have that context- but in my experience, addressing this question head-on prevents a lot of long-term fighting.

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I went over a roommate agreement with my SO before we moved in 😂 and drew up a chore wheel. It might be a bit extreme but it facilitated a conversation about our expectations and made us tangibly commit to a set schedule. If my SO didn’t do the dishes, instead of saying “I really wish you would do the dishes more often” I can say “ please do the dishes, we agreed that was your chore and you would do it every other day". We’re more relaxed about it now ( been living together 3 years) but I think being stricter about it in the beginning helped set up good habbits.

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I haven’t lived with a partner before and am nervous about setting up shared norms (like chores or which storage space i can take up with my things or where I can put all my bathroom stuff haha). It seems silly but any advice on setting up a place with a partner? Will this just work itself out? I’ve talked to my partner about this, and there isn’t anything specific I’m worried about it’s just what will come up?! He says he’s sure we will address things as they arise, which is perhaps true but also makes me nervous.

I’ve had numerous roommates and also had spent 6 years living with 2 ex boyfriends. I would say the first few years were the hardest for me because I’m very structured and organized, but overtime I’ve learned there are far more important issues in a relationship than if someone leaves their socks next to the laundry basket. My advice is to learn to let minor things go, you’ll be far happier in the long run than if you’re trying to change someone or make them to do things your way. Once I finally learned that, living with my partner has been smooth sailing, surprisingly given our very different organization styles. Also hiring someone to do housecleaning a couple of times a month alleviates a lot of frustration.

So in a lot of ways, I feel like I am more likely to be on the “boyfriend/male partner” side of things.. my fiancé is very organized and tidy and I am a bit scattered. I normally keep my place clean but I feel I am much more likely to be on the receiving end of feedback about how things are around the house. I both don’t want him to be unhappy with the house but I also don’t want to be constantly nagged and am curious if it’s better to have some kind of front end “expectations” discussion or if that’s ridiculous... Thank you all for the advice and feedback!!

To answer your question, I think its definitely helpful to have an up front conversation before hand about expectations and things that are important for one another - and then later have a “checkin” to make sure there arent things you are holding back on as things bug you - and also mention things as they come up too (without the previously mentioned nagging)

A lot of conversations. Setting up ground rules and expectations up front and continuous feedback loops will go far

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