{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I said I just want to adopt kids and my mom said that I’m “not normal” and that men won’t like/stay loyal to women who don’t want to give birth. 🤦🏻‍♀️ To me, her statement is de-humanizing, because women are much more than just a bearing machine. BUT I also understand that biologically human have the built-in desire to continue their “seeds”.\n \nGuys - what’s your honest take on this? \nAll - what should I say to my mom? I do what I do but want to approach this tactfully with mom + future guys.", "post_id": "5f57e5fdf0e831002e6db043", "reply_count": 43, "vote_count": 5, "bowl_id": "5a898b0457e95c001826dcad", "bowl_name": "Asians in Consulting" }

I said I just want to adopt kids and my mom said that I’m “not normal” and that men won’t like/stay loyal to women who don’t want to give birth. 🤦🏻‍♀️ To me, her statement is de-humanizing, because women are much more than just a bearing machine. BUT I also understand that biologically human have the built-in desire to continue their “seeds”. Guys - what’s your honest take on this? All - what should I say to my mom? I do what I do but want to approach this tactfully with mom + future guys.

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You have to do what is right for you. I think it’s important that you do what you’re comfortable with. As someone who has been on the other side of things - failed IVF’s, considered donor eggs/embryos, and considered adoption, I will simply state that it’s not not a simple path to just go down. If you want to adopt an infant privately, it can be time consuming and expensive. If you are open to adopting older children, definitely cheaper, but there can be a host of emotional problems (they were removed from their homes for a reason). Most kids available for adoption wont look like you. Some people are ok with this, others are not. There is a lot of emotional consideration on your part that needs to go through it to know what is right for you. Either choice, it is important that you find a SO that supporting your views and doesn’t just impose his. As for your mom - she grew up with a set of societal standards that are hers. You aren’t going to change your views. You shouldn’t let that stop you from yours either. Just treat it like you would a disagreeable client.

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Not all men but most men want their own blood. I'm that way. Not sure if I understand the context. OP you are married but don't want to give birth and therefore only want to adopt? If I was in that situation I would look for another partner because having kids (that are my own kids) happen to be very important to me. It's a non-negotiable, and if not giving birth is also a non-negotiable then it would be better to amicably part now than waste time trying to make a solution that either person hates work. I also think, to rephrase your mom's comment about loyalty, that many men feel a lot of gratitude towards women who bear their child. Conversely they can resent a woman that was unable to bear their children. There are exceptions of course but I do think that's the "default" for men. I've talked with many older men who recognize that their (hot) wives gave them their best years and gave birth to beautiful, healthy children for them and feel indebted to take care of them.

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I'd prefer to be the biological father of my child, but love and respect for my wife needs to come first before having a child. If she would rather adopt, then I would respect that. There are a variety of valid reasons for it. I'd look into getting a surrogate too. Perhaps that's a compromise. And no I don't think it's weird for a woman to not want to go through pregnancy.

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I think you should thank your mom for keeping it 💯 with you. I personally think for me it would be a nonstarter in a relationship for me - as the opening for having kids is about passing on a part of you biologically. I could understand if you were open to natural birth at first and got to a position of wanting to adopt. But to begin with it’s a red flag. This is not the PC answer but it feels a bit selfish. However, there are probably still guys who may be open to it, but you’d have to ask yourself why they in particular don’t want to pass on their genes. How would YOU feel if you met a guy, he wants a family, but wants a sperm donor instead, or even preferred adoption? Would you think of this person as your soulmate or would you question the reasons why? There’s someone for everyone so do you and good luck.

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K1 - People like you are exactly why people feel uncomfortable expressing their opinions, because rather than engage in conversation you choose to call out, attack, and shoot down people that open up rather than engage in discussion. Thanks for the moral signaling, you keyboard warrior you!

This is your decision. It isn’t abnormal, you do what you want to do and everybody should respect your wishes. That being said, as a guy, I would prefer being with somebody who was open to having children. I’m not sure if this would be a deal breaker but it’s a preference on my part.

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Appreciate the perspective!

Yep same here. I also prefer to adopt as well. My parents said If I go through with it, they won’t acknowledge the child I adopt as their grandchildren. 🙄 but TBH I’ll still move forward with it when time comes. My SO is also in agreement.

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OP you do you! Everybody has their own preferences and path they want to take. I think adoption is a great path to go down - there are so many kids out there in need of a home. I think sitting down and having a talk with your mom/future guys is all you can do. Explain your position and hopefully they’ll respect and understand your choices.

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I’m a woman and I know I wouldn’t love an adopted kid as much as a biological one. I’m also terrified of pregnancy so I considered surrogacy. But that’s not feminist so my compromise is just to not have children 🙃

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Respect your mom's opinions, but live your own life.

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Hi, 40 year old male with 2 kids here. Why do you want to adopt kids instead of give birth? It would be hard to provide you with a honest feedback without knowing it.

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A1- said like someone who hasn’t had to explore the costs of surrogacy. 😂

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Just my personal opinion, but adoption would be a clear no-go for me.

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I am always pretty confused and saddened by the fact that adoption isn't more common. I grew up with foster kids as neighbors (who became my friends) and I've always known if I were to decide to have kids, it would almost certainly include adoption. I have never had the desire to "pass on my genes" when there are so many children suffering (not to mention overpopulation's impact on the environment) but I understand for many (most) people it's something biologically intuitive.

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I asked my SO if he’d rather us adopt kids or not have children at all. He said not having children at all. I think men want their own blood

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Men don't need extra obligation

It’s perfectly natural to be afraid of birthing pain. Most women are, but the reality is, you won’t know until it actually happens to you. It could be easy, it could be hard, it could be okay. People get through it regardless (see all the mothers on the planet). From what you’ve said, I would suggest tabling this for later. No point in arguing with your mother about hypotheticals and also this is something that you could change your perspective on too. You don’t have to make any decisions now or box yourself into a corner. This is a discussion you should be having with your future co-parent when the time comes.

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I actually told my wife I wanted to adopt. Her family has a history of having a hard time giving birth. I think giving another child a home and welcoming them as your own is one of the best gifts you can both give and receive.

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You just need to make sure your partner is on the same page. Before my husband and I got married he said he was open to adoption in addition to or if we could not have kids. Works for me!

Speaking as a man, I would not mind not having biological children. Your mother is entitled to her opinions but a blanket statement like “men” in general is inaccurate

Freeze your eggs and keep the option of having a kid with your future husband open? Nothing wrong with adopting, it just takes Asian parents a while to come around

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