I simultaneously have so much to live for and also want to off myself every three to five days. I am not at risk of harming myself, and I know my problems aren’t as severe as others. But I keep getting this itch and it’s so cathartic to just ideate how many ways to just cease from existence

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When I ideate like this, I don’t end the thought at the death, but I try to follow the scene through to everything afterward. Who would find me. How would they find me. What will the call be like to tell someone who love me. What would the funeral be like. What events would remind everyone of me being gone.

Sometimes it helps me refocus beyond the satisfaction of just being done

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I like to think about this too, and it makes me want to do it more

I understand this.

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Hopefully we’ll find a way out of this vicious cycle

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Have you ever written out what a lengthy obituary for you might look like? What you might want it to look like? It's kind of a dark exercise but it's something that helps me spin my imagination without dwelling on the fantastical violence of imagining suicide. Still macabre but less gory. Sometimes I just use that as my outlet.

Other times, I lean into these ideas in fiction. If you think it will help, DM and I can recommend a few suicide-centric films that talk about it kind of frankly but don't stigmatize it and evolves from that plot point/isn't like a PSA film, just art films.

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Oh no you're definitely not the only one. The peak of when I was doing this was not even around the time that I actually attempted, so from my experience and what I've gleaned from therapists, this is not the most worrying thing.

I sometimes take video notes or voice notes if I just want to get ideas down but don't have time. Quick notes app entries as well, just to kind of download what's in my brain

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What problems?
I’d highly recommend visiting a third world country (India is good and safe) and immerse yourself in and loom at life from that lens. You’ll feel good about your life...

SM1, let's avoid using situations we have no context for as poverty/tragedy porn.

Besides, even outside of that funny xenophobic lens, someone else's dire ache doesn't lessen your own.

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I’m glad to hear you echo my thoughts. It’s a dark, somewhat nihilistic way of viewing things, but helps me gain perspective in moments where I’m stressed/anxious about work. Reminds me that I am worthy and loved and more than my job.

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