I started traveling for work again, and when I got back from a month of travel, the apartment I share with my fiancé was a mess. My fiancé and I also just had a fight about finances, as I make more than him and always pursued promotion/pay, but he doesn’t really have a plan to earn more and says he’d rather have a good wlb. He says he doesn’t have time to clean because he goes into the office, while I work from home when not traveling. I know I’m not the only woman who’s faced this - any advice?

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I did and the relationship didn’t end up working out. The solution would be that he starts shelling out for the wlb by paying for a cleaning service.

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That’s the right way to put it

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We do just fine dividing and conquering when I’m there to divide tasks. But when I’m gone for a prolonged period, I come home to piles of chores (laundry, dead plants, dishes, dirty bathroom) that just didn’t get done. The solution I’ve been hearing is often to hire a cleaner, but his lack of effort or respect for my time is what’s frustrating me. Like my work is not as important to him, yet he’s going to be reliant on my earning potential

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I agree with SM here - I think you should pause and reflect on what you actually want. What does an ideal relationship and future look like for you? What type of lifestyle do you want to have? Just because you are engaged doesn’t mean you are fully committed to anything - you can always change your mind or work with your fiancé to clarify your future together. It definitely warrants a discussion and some personal reflection IMO. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

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You need to each pitch in half for a regular cleaning service. You also probably need some premarital counseling to make sure you’re on the same page with financials!! That will be a huge resentment to carry the load of the world on your shoulders, if you don’t feel he respects your time and efforts! He just expects you to cover his parent’s cost of living for the rest of your life? That feels very entitled!!

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Are you both aligned on what clean looks like? Do you evenly divide the chores now? It feels like we are missing some context about how you split things up today.

For my husband and I, we both agreed about 8 years ago to always have a cleaning service. It’s not worth arguing about who does what, and it is worth the cost. Last year, we also decided to outsource all of our lawn care.

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Cleaning service, but only if the issue is localized to cleaning, which it sounds like it’s not.

I had one for the first year after moving in with my now husband; but I didn’t have other discontent over respect or laziness. After a time we got more on the same page and didn’t need it.

Maybe try one for awhile and see what the effect is. Just know your resentment may not go away, and could need other remedies.

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Before this post gets too carried away, there’s a lot of context not pictured here. He does contribute in ways not pictured here. It’s not like he doesn’t make money, or never cleans. He cooks and cleans, it just slips sometimes, and is complicated by the family aspect. We currently split costs and he thus far supports his family himself. What I need to know is that he can manage when these family costs inevitably increase, and is building himself so he can afford that. But appreciate some of the insights here, thank you for the perspective!

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It sounds like he pitches in but not as much as you would like and it matters most when you’re finally coming home and want to come home to what you’ve pictured as your place. I would just getting someone to clean the day before you get home. For me this was making dinner. Or deciding dinner. I hated that I would travel home after making 1000 decisions and have to figure out dinner and have more blah vegetarian food.

My husband and I agreed he’d make a healthy Indian dinner Thursday night or order it. made my week every week

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I really hope if you hire a cleaning service he is the one who pays for it in full lol because?? You’re not the one with a cleaning problem. My s/o travels for work, will be gone 4 days a week and comes home to a clean house. I would never expect them to pay for a cleaning service if I couldn’t keep sh** together in our shared space. If you go halfsies on it, it’s just justifying his behavior. Make YOUR mess but the cleaning service WE pay for will take care of it. Also him not pursing a promotion/higher paying job is a turn off in my opinion, especially given the lack of help around the apt. My bf is not as driven as me to get the highest paying job and it icks me, but he doesn’t rely on me at all financially in fact everything we share we split down the middle (rent, food, vacations) and all other finances are independent… and he helps around the house. I feel like this comes down to respect and maturity. It’s not to late to reconsider what you truly want before making it official!

I just saw the part where his family is a “package deal” I’m sorry but that’s a huge no given the circumstances. I would seriously re-evaluate. Given the facts that he already cannot/does not take care of the “household duties” while you are gone, he makes less and isn’t showing interest in a promotion, and he expects you to help support his family and the ROI for you is that they will help clean and take care of the kids?! Girl you will find a man who will help you clean/care for the kids, and make more money, and not expect you to financially support his family. This is not it. This does not seem like a fair situation put yourself first!!

There should be a minimum standard of clean and expectations. We are not neat freaks but surfaces are wiped down, bathrooms are cleaned on a schedule, sheets are washed on a schedule, vacuuming happens on a schedule, things are not left on the floor to be tripped over, etc. (that’s the tough one with the kids).

You should have to ask or PM cleaning because you are a woman. You don’t bear the brunt because you are working from home (you are working, after all). He doesn’t have to do more because he makes less.

Take a look at your schedules, carve out time to clean - either together or separately- and divide up the chores. If he owns them, he wholly owns them. If you differ on expectations, consider hiring a cleaner.

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