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I feel this so much as I had that for the last few years. Always focus on what you can control and remind yourself that no one can clip your wings but you. I kept my meetings with my former boss as short as possible to avoid that. After letting the firm know I was planning on leaving, they promoted me above that former boss - now I’m dealing with imposter syndrome.
I can completely and totally relate to this. I get my fuel from success and when I’m challenged (condescendingly not the good kind) or feel undermined I lose all the mojo. Then I leak into the imposters syndrome. It doesn’t return until I have another success. You know those girls that need to be told they’re pretty all the time? I think it’s the professional equivalent of that. I need to be reminded that I am worthy, I don’t just find it within myself naturally. You think, if I’m not killing it most of the time (and by most accounts) I must be a failure. I’m truly not a people pleaser but I feel like the same situation is causing me to question everything I am. Would love your tips and tricks to overcome.
Been through this exact experience... did not realize there were so many of you out there dealing with the same. I never let bullies destroy my confidence but this one time it got to me. I was being accused of being aggressive and was shut down when I began to question the motives cause the big guns were involved. I’ve now been talking to leadership coaches outside the org to get back in the game but at this point, the environment is too toxic and I’d have to sell my soul to work among them. It’s just not a fair situation. I’ve also realized that women leaders don’t support much in such situations...
I hired someone from LinkedIn but I specifically hired a woman. She also had some background in consulting in her past so she was able to understand the issues. I really like her and she has been really good in hearing me out and giving me good suggestions. It’s only been three sessions but let’s see.
Meditate, it helps with EQ
Given that my source of inspiration are women like Cleopatra, Nefertari, Catherine the Great, Indra Nooyi and many others, who ruled the men who ruled the world. I don't see any underlying issue.
Keep your focus on the positive things and work for your aspirations. I'm a single mom with a little child, i have big career aspirations and i don't seek validation from anyone. I only react to things that impact my paycheck and mortality, nothing else is worth it.
I’ve been there. Honestly, I had to start a new job and it took some time to get my stride back. Stick to it and most importantly, don’t change who you are because of a few assholes.
I’ve been there too. Still looking for the drive and fire that I lost.
Nice to hear of a positive outcome.
I hear what you say and try not to let the bully clip my wings but he continually holds meetings with my team, my client and my leadership and purposely excludes me. Drops me from critical emails then acts surprised when I’m unaware of the status of said critical issue. Even forbids my team to copy me on emails or invite me to certain meetings.
This issue in its various manifestations is an intractable and pervasive problem - until the old boy network and way of operating are a thing of past, this will continue in some form or fashion.
It’s all too dependent on whose right side you are on and who you rub the wrong way.
Those things happen in any human relationship but when they become the primary measure of growth and merit in a workplace, then there is a huge problem.
When I've been bullied or feel demoralized, I've found the most benefit from getting therapeutic help. Just find a therapist who is comfortable providing some resilience coaching. Go consistently to build up resilience and create those new internal feedback loops and neural pathways that can help you cope with (and thus make better decisions on how to confront or exit a toxic work relationship.) It is not a sign of success to cope with it alone. A consistent, removed outside voice has always served, for me, as a way to get my head back on straight. Seriously. Find a coach/therapist and ask for help. This is going to wreck your stress levels if you let it.
Lets approach this from several aspects. First, the common threads of good advice from the posts above. If people like being on your teams (you have influence* IMPORTANT) and you are EFFECTIVE, A awesome. always stay true to who you are, working with executive coaching professionals or reading excellent books is never a bad thing (adds to the toolkit), finally, find a strategy that fits your personality style but beats the bully or at best blurs the lines (This is what takes patience, subtly, skill and long game, Leadership) it's not for your win, it's so the organization wins. Talk more on it later.
Next is make sure you understand ALL your real circles of Influence at work, and how effective, relevant and reliable are they. How influential are formally and informally at the lower, peer and upper level. Now, let's call this Person "CHRIS" for neutrality sake. Do you understand ALL of Chris circle of Influence's in the office and how effective, relevant and reliable are they. Never guess at this, watch him, watch him work and who he talks to...etc and learn. BULLIES have weaknesses....you want to find them, not use it against him but to strengthen him.
Now see where your circles cross if they do. Where they do not, ask yourself if they NEED too. Bullies are funny... but sometimes not clever, be smarter than the animal, I say.
Again, there is a long game here. You want him on your team. You want to help him succeed,but you want him to ask for your help. Sometimes, that starts with weird uncomfortable friendly gestures of just hi or including him in information while being careful to not over play the hand. Now leopards never change their spots, the goal is to slowly gain influence over him. Remember bullies never EVER want a confrontation in the school yard, so use that...its a game.
Before undertaking the game,be sure its worth doing and be sure you have the poker face to do it. If you can, you have great potential to do amazing things.
It takes a good read of situations and exerting strong influence to get him to buy in. People Bully from fear of humiliation or of losing or fear of being embarrassed. So watch in a group setting , especially the body language. If he has a problem with you, he has a problem with others. Never underestimate that NO ONE has ever given a crap, so think of it like an experiment. If you can win a Bully over, you've moved to a whole nee level of leadership. Holler if something seems really crazy out of place. Brenda
Lots of excellent advice above. I have one small piece to add which is that whenever confronting someone, regardless of whether it’s in private or in public, frame your criticism/feedback/challenge in terms of their actions and not at their person.
When we focus on a persons actions we’re forced to confront our own prejudices to find a justifiable defence.
I’m literally at the wall
Detach yourself from that ‘you’re not good enough’ and start looking into your own self worth. What he did to you is his fear and insecurity! I’ve had amazing bosses that lifted me sky high and one that crushed me but I left the company with a big fat cheque as I filed in for harassement because I had the best results in my team and organised everything that my work is accessible. He hadn’t a single point to reproach me, I decided to bring it upon the management when I hit my peak, with a lawyer. The thing that kept my sanity was my relationship with other people, my colleagues, family and friends. It was evident, I was not the problem as we are good friends to date. Know how to differentiate, draw your boundaries and leave before it takes a toll on you. It did take a toll on me because I loved my job but that incident left me hawk-eyed for it not to repeat itself again. I speak up when it’s not right but with much compassion as well, so that the other person feels safe and that they can trust you - I learnt this from my ex boss who gave me a white card in my responsibility, that made fly. It’s so important to have a mentor/ boss when you’re ‘growing up’ in their hierarchy.