I was at a kid’s bday party, talking to one of the moms. I commented on her cute pixie cut. I said I had that cut in college and loved it. Once I lose the last 15 pounds, I’m chopping it off! She says

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I will say I’ve thought a lot more about this since having a daughter. As a kid I remember my mom always trying to lose weight and obsessing over her weight and it definitely drove me imitate a lot of her behavior when I became a teenager. So I don’t think it’s about “women shouldn’t talk about ourselves this way”, but I do consciously try and role model talking about myself the way I want my daughter to learn how to talk about herself.

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Absolutely that’s important. They are listening. But this is different. My youngest is 3 and after years of trying again, we stopped and am just now excited to lose the weight and get back to “normal for me.” It’s not been a years long issue or struggle. I can see however that we hear it all the time “I need to lose weight!” and it is this ongoing “obsession,” as you say, for many people. I can imagine if it is a years long struggle to try to lose weight, it could be a source of low self esteem. I was just caught so off guard. I get it now. Thank you for helping to explain it.

...as women, we should never say that about ourselves. It’s not the first time I’ve had someone react this way to a comment about trying to lose weight. Just because a woman wants to lose weight doesn’t mean she has low self esteem or is self deprecating. What am I missing? Honestly curious why I shouldn’t have said that.

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I feel like there is a double standard that you’ve hit upon here. Men can talk about losing weight or personal fitness without a lot of worry about being judged for self esteem issues, etc. but doesn’t work that way for women. Probably because women in general face more societal pressure to look a certain way, maybe people assume that the comment is driven by that versus just your own motivations. I suppose there are two ways to reset social norms - either don’t talk about it at all (as the other mom suggested) or talk about it more objectively (as you did). Honestly have no idea which is better but I’ve heard both sides of that argument.

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This makes so much sense. Thank you. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I guess I just saw it as a goal like anything else. I had babies, and now I’m excited to start losing the weight. 🤷🏽‍♀️ It’s not unlike saying I worked hard to get promoted and now I want to put more time and focus back into my personal relationships. It’s terrible that it’s viewed as having low self esteem. Or maybe I’m just naive about it. Something to think about, I guess. Thank you.

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I’m with McK1 here. I’ve always been insecure about my midsection, because my parents would always comment about “baby fat” or how fat I was compared to my cousin (who was the classic stick skinny petite Asian frame). I don’t have flat abs and have been size 4-6 my whole life. Looking back now, I recognize how destructive those comments were, and I vowed if I ever have a daughter I would never talk about bodies and weight like that. Only as an adult did I realize how shallow - and looks obsessed - my parents really are.
I don’t think your comment was as insidious as that, but it does make an impression on young minds. What do you mean, you have to lose weight to be able to have short hair? Is what a child might pick up. Between adults, I have no problem with what you said, but I would reframe it without talking about weight in front of kids.

It was not in front of kids.

My only thought is if it’s a haircut you like, why wait? Do it now and don’t put up a barrier to yourself. But could be reading too much into it. You do you!

Ignore the haters? The mom isn’t a hater. She’s a lovely person. I came here to better understand what might be behind her reaction. The others like KPMG 1 here helped me to understand some of the issues that may arise as a resume of how we talk about losing weight for aesthetic purposes including beauty standards and impression we might inadvertently leave on children. All helpful feedback. Frankly I found only your response to be disrespectful and judgmental, and you reinforced all that with your last comment. ✌️

I think there's a general move from "I need to lose weight" to "I want to be healthy." The idea being that losing weight in and of itself shouldn't necessarily be the end goal.

I get that, but why shouldn’t losing weight be the end goal. PCP says I’m healthy. I will admit, my desire to lose the weight is 90% for aesthetic purposes (fit in my old clothes, lose that back fat, look a little more like that woman from 5 years ago) and 10% because my feet and knees hurt more (that’s probably more building muscle). I still see that as a positive goal. Is considered negative?

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