{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I went on a weekend hiking trip with a male friend who I thought was platonic, assuming we’d split everything 50/50. I booked activities and car rental totaling $700, while he booked the hotel. During the trip, he tried to hook up, and I made clear I wasn’t interested. It made the rest of the trip awkward, but even more so when I said we should split expenses evenly…and then he told me the hotel cost $1800 for two nights. Con’t", "post_id": "6140301207c4e10030c3c7af", "reply_count": 180, "vote_count": 19, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting" }

I went on a weekend hiking trip with a male friend who I thought was platonic, assuming we’d split everything 50/50. I booked activities and car rental totaling $700, while he booked the hotel. During the trip, he tried to hook up, and I made clear I wasn’t interested. It made the rest of the trip awkward, but even more so when I said we should split expenses evenly…and then he told me the hotel cost $1800 for two nights. Con’t

likefunny
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Ok all emotions aside. Let’s stick to logic for a second. You went down there with a friend thinking it’ll be a fun trip and were forth front about the cost and savings prior to going. He should have shared the cost of the place prior to booking. Instead he wrongly assumed he could use the trip as an opportunity to romance you and therefore didn’t share the cost information. In that sense he made a mistake. You mentioned he was a good friend and if you’re going on a trip with him then it’s fair to assume you enjoyed his company and trusted him enough to take this trip. Once his feelings came out it made you panic and as a result all types of emotions are coming out on your end. That’s ok. You probably liked this person as a friend and now feel anger annoyance and guilt. I’m just assuming here. So to put back the boundaries you would like to pay your part so he’s clear on where you stand. Now comes the money part. If you haven’t already then share your receipts with him and request a copy of the bill from him as well. In terms of payment I would suck it up this time, pay my share and take it as a learning experience that going forward I would ask my friends for cost of places prior to them booking it. That’s honestly what I do with my friends anyway but I guess not everyone does that. In the meantime try not to let this experience ruin the positive memories of the trip. I don’t know him but you do well enough to like him as a friend and me I wouldn’t think someone I thought of as a good friend would have terrible intentions. I think to him he had this “great” plan in his head like this trip is the perfect opportunity for me to express my feelings to so and so and we will together and have lots and lots of babies. Well reality hit and he’s probably feeling all types of feelings as well probably anger embarrassment. I don’t know your friendship well enough to see if it’s worth salvaging but I would personally just be calm express my disinterest be honest that I like you as a friend but I don’t see a future with us. I would like to stay friends and will give you some time to figure out if that’s something you’d be comfortable with but I don’t want you to have any expectations for anything more.

likesmart

Ok I just read your other response you made earlier to someone else regarding the situation and what went down. Absolutely do not pay him a dime and quite frankly you do not owe him even a response. I would personally stay away from that guy. In the future if anyone ever does something like that (which I truly hope it never happens again) no matter how much they spend don’t EVER feel bad or obligated to pay. Eff that. THAT type of behavior is completely unacceptable and as terrible as it sounds to say “you are lucky” , you ARE lucky it didn’t escalate to something worse. Which again is horrible to say but at least it’s something positive to say in that type of situation. Im so sorry you went through this. I wouldn’t even worry about your mutual friends at this point. For any friends that wouldn’t stick by you after this aren’t friends worth having anyway.

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I don't really understand why this is so difficult of a topic. You guys had different expectations, fine. He liked you and wanted to have intimacies, so he paid up for it. if you had any feelings you would've been flattered and appreciated it. You didn't feel the same way, so you didn't feel like it was necessary. You wanted to split from the beginning and failed to ask about the cost when he booked, even though you shared every cost with him, this is weird part to me. If I'm expecting to split, I always ask. I would just treat it as a friendship expense split then. If you went with a girl friend and she booked everything and you didn't ask the details, would you not pay her 50% just because she didn't share? He's not at fault for trying to 'woo' a girl. in any other relationship, this would've been a great, romantic story at the wedding with him being the one who was brave and took a chance the fault here is you did not ask the cost and he did not share the cost- that it! but since you both didnt take this action, just split it like regular friends and move on. is this really worth losing a friend over? This is a lesson learned for you 1. to ask about costs before going on a trip if you're expectation is to split 2. if you haven't been on a trip alone with a particular guy friend before, THIS WILL ALWAYS BE A POSSIBILITY!!!!!! clarify beforehand!! Since you're an associate i'm going to make the unpopular assumption that you're probably young. this is not something worth burning bridges over. You'll go on to earn all this money back and more, but your mutual friends may not see it in the same light as you. it's not worth the drama

likesmarthelpfulfunny

No no no no no. You folks are just not getting this. Going on a trip with a friend, male or female, is ABSOLUTELY not a way of committing to a change in the relationship dynamic. There are so many assumptions baked into that read of the situation and they are largely predicated on the antiquated and gross idea that one person is owed sexual favor by another based on presumption or quid pro quo. That is not ok. Unwanted sexual advances are NOT OK. As OP had stated, this got physical in a unsafe setting and nothing justifies that, ever. That mode of thinking and justification is a big part of the problem. Expect, learn, teach, and exhibit decency. Stop peddling crap that perpetuates rape culture and sexual indebtedness. It's so wrong.

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Appreciate all the responses here. Several people commented I should have asked him the price beforehand, and I did, along with a couple other pre-trip logistic questions. He responded to the other questions but not the hotel cost one. I had other stuff to do, so when I asked again on the trip that’s how I found out. If I had a responsibility to ask, he had a responsibility to tell, especially given the cost was so outrageous and he had some kind of quid pro quo in mind. If you’ve ever been in a date rape situation, well, mine is pretty similar…guy feels entitled and rejected, gets aggressive. Just grateful that didn’t happen, and I do think I took that entitlement away from him when I insisted to split. I told him today let’s not split expenses, I’ll just handle what I paid and you handle yours. His response “Lol ok. Well you’re welcome”. Not going to mention I did not appreciate his sexual advances, just gonna cut him off

likeuplifting

OP you are the best kind of person. Thank you for sharing and sparking this dialogue and thank you for calling out some real nonsense. You already said everything that needs to be said in this comment. I'm so glad you were able to handle the situation because those scary and threatening moments are so terrible and rationalizing why one person feels entitled to take something from another is how we perpetuate the problem. Good on you!

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likehelpful

On the fence with this. I see both sides. I would likely just pay half and be done with the future awkwardness every time you see this person. I hear that he didnt communicate the cost up front, but did you ask? You shared all the costs you were managing, didnt it occur to you to ask about the hotel cost? Chalk it up to lesson learned.

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He’s so slimy omg

And of course the hotel room he booked had only one king bed 🙄. I asked him if I had done anything to indicate I was flirting or interested beyond friends and he said no, so I know I wasn’t leading him on.

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I used to go on trips with my guy friends all the time. We’d always split rooms, Vegas weekends, national parks, birthdays, etc. We were FRIENDS! It was never weird, no one ever tried to hook up with anyone, we looked out for one another and we always split everything. They are still some of my best friends. This particular guy is the problem. He even said you didn’t lead him on. He’s an opportunist, which in my mind makes him a predator. Get a copy of the bill and split if it’s a reasonable amount. But if that’s the true price, push back and tell him that was completely out of line without consulting you first. Then cut your losses and never speak to him again. I’d also be very upfront and honest to your mutual friends about what happened, especially any female friends. They need to be aware so they can protect themselves. YUCK!!! 🤢

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Bite the bullet and split the costs. But do check if the hotel really cost 900 $$ a night. That's a lot!! Also, if you have common friends, pay attention to what this "gentleman" is telling (or not telling) everyone.

likesmart

You told him you wanted to split expenses 50/50, twice. Before but especially *after* knowing the cost of the room. I think it’s a bold assumption to say he’s following up on the cost just because “he’s slimy” factoring in what you told him directly. I would pay instead of backtracking.

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OP I was originally on your side but reading through your responses on the thread - it seems like you’ve already made up your mind and looking for validation to justify why you shouldn’t pay him rather than genuinely asking for advice? Agree with everyone else here, ask for the hotel bill if you think he’s making it up, otherwise I’d pay for it and move on.

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Expensive lesson but paying is a clear and firm way to reel the narrative back your way and demonstrate consistency. He isn’t following up because he’s an unsatisfied slimeball — he’s following up because YOU said you’d go 50/50. Be true to your word and then cut him out

likesmart

I was shocked at the price (it wasn’t a fancy hotel). He said he expected to cover it as a “gentlemanly gesture” when he booked, and to not split anything. I had let him know the cost of everything when I booked and secured discounts. I didn’t want to feel indebted to him while on the trip, so in the moment I said I’d split expenses regardless. Now that I’m not physically confined to a room with him, I do NOT want to split expenses. However, he is following up and wants to split expenses (presumably because he didn’t get sex from me). I think he’s slimy now, and I would cut him off except that we have some mutual friends. Do I bite the bullet, split, and pay him ~$550? Or tell him the hotel price was absurd and I’m not splitting that? Or just fully ghost?

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I agree with this. Learned that lesson early at a college formal in another town. I wasn’t into my date. He was hoping to get some and I told him no. He was mad that he spent money for a hotel room. We ended up driving back school at 4 am.

The story doesn’t add up, sis… you never asked for the price. So you thought you and a straight guy were going on a GLAMPING trip alone together where everything you bought was split 50/50 and he just covered everything else himself? It never occurred to you to ask what your half was? You want to imply that you agreed to pay half after learning the price because you were in some type of danger or under duress just to get sympathy but I don’t get the vibe that that’s what’s at play at all. I think you came to this board to feel justified for being naive and not keeping your word because you thought better of it later. Just charge it to the game and consider it a lesson learned.

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I don’t think you should pay, definitely not. But I do think you should be a bit more clear about your intentions with people who you clearly don’t know well enough before you’re planning weekend getaways with them. So I think #1 you don’t ever owe someone sex, obviously. But to act totally shocked he maybe expected that when you’re sharing a room? I’d never share a room with a guy who isn’t one of my close close friends who definitely knows it’s platonic. I think you should just learn that this was a bit naive of you… also more importantly not SAFE…. don’t go away and stay in a hotel room with a guy you don’t know well enough… cuz shit could go south. I just think u gotta really evaluate the nativity you had here. But that def doesn’t mean you should pay for his stupid expensive taste in hotel rooms 🤣🤣

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Just pay. That’s what you asked for, don’t back out of that now. Honestly, I wouldn’t have gone on a trip alone with a guy even if we were just friends. Men will hide that they have feelings or want sex until they feel the moment is right. Expensive lesson for you. Hopefully you all can move past it, he’s probably embarrassed by the whole charade now and will act out as such.

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These comments defending him blow my mind. OP, what he did is sleazy. EVEN IF he had the purest intentions, he engineered a situation where he made sexual advances on someone who had to share a bed with him in the middle of the god damn woods. That is his lesson to learn; not OPs.

likesmart

Author… You did nothing inappropriate. You handled yourself with class. He is the “asshole pick”💕💕💕

like

OP , please take responsibility for your decisions. Clearly the man had different intentions than you did. If you are not interested in him, you simply have to say no and move on . Did this guy misbehave with you? If yes, then its a completely different story. If not, you seemingly agreed to pay him, so please don’t ghost over money, do the responsible thing and peace out. Its a lesson learnt.

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Yeah if you said you’d pay, why not pay? You’re still responsible for covering your expenses even though you were misled. Like D1 said, do the responsible thing & definitely exercise the peace out part.

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Totally a slime ball. On another topic I've never gone anywhere alone overnight with a male friend for this reason. I always felt he will think its something more. Always a group thing or none. Only have done meals or some daytime activity but never an overnight. Maybe just me and I'm also old school and probably much older than you.

likesmart

You did offer to split the expenses after he told you he expected to cover. It's possible he's at least a little salty about not getting to hook up or he may just be following up since you offered to split. If I were him I would be following up too. It sounds like you may have already but I would share your receipts if you haven't and ask him for his receipt for the hotel. Then just split it since you offered and he accepted your offer, treat him like you would if you were traveling with a girl friend. You can even say something like "when I travel with my girl friends, we share the receipts to split expenses." Keep it casual.

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Have not done an overnight trip with any guy I'm not romantically involved with, probably would never do that as mentioned in other comments. I did naively go to a casual dinner with someone I met when I moved to a new city. Thought it was just friendly because we both lived in the same neighborhood, but when I met him it became clear that he meant it as a date and tried to pay for me etc. He wasn't receptive when I was like "sorry but did not realize, I'm not interested" and kept saying gross flirty stuff. It was uncomfortable. I went home and estimated what he paid for me and venmo-ed him immediately. Never spoke to him again. 1. I don't want (random) people paying for me because I can pay for myself for what I consume (even though in this case he picked the place). Obviously, different if it's someone I'm close to and it's a gift, etc. 2. I don't want anybody to think they've done me a favor or that I owe them something, especially a gross person who doesn't get the message.

like

Well he’s not paying for his portion of food, car, activities that I paid for. It was his responsibility to communicate the hotel price in advance, just like I did for everything I booked for us. Just because I didn’t give him a specific price ceiling for the one part of trip planning he was responsible for, doesn’t mean, “blank check, go crazy and buy whatever”. Still an expectation to be reasonable

like

First, he sounds like a terrible person and you should drop him as a friend. Second, you did say you’d spilt the expenses and you never asked even before the trip how much it cost. That’s on you regardless of how he behaved during the trip. You gotta pay even if it’s outrageous but the only other way is to say on average a camping hotel costs XX $$ and that’s you you were expecting so you’ll pay that. You can’t not pay at all. That makes you equally slimy as him.

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I paid ~$700 for car rental, activities etc, and I’m not going to ask him to split that. Just going to pay that on my own and he can pay for the hotel on his own too

I would definitely pay and never speak to him again.

like

This! Also I would pay to provide closure to your friendship and also so that he can't run around telling people you used him for a free hotel room and then dropped him

likesmart

Comes down to you expected to split and even said you would split, so you need to pay your half. Yeah it’s expensive, but you should have inquired about the price upfront or given a budget since you were expecting to have to fund half of it. You literally told him you’d still split the costs so it’s fair for him to follow up. I would pay bc I don’t want anyone to hold $ over me. I’m sorry things got akward for you

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That’s nonsense M2 and ZS2; people don’t go around “clarifying” status quo. If you truly think like that, I urge you to look deeper and try to unlearn these unhealthy habits.

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Ask for receipts and make it clear that you don’t appreciate him not giving you a heads up on the cost before the fact. You told him how much everything cost before you purchased it.

like

I wouldn’t ghost him cuz that reflects badly on you. If the $550 isn’t material to your budget I would just pay it and end the friendship. If $550 breaks your monthly budget then I would tell him that he should have consulted you in advance and that it’s out of your budget.

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