{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "If I come out to my team as Gay, will they treat me as a normal person anymore? 95% of me team are from outside of US which I’m not 100% sure of their religion & culture.", "post_id": "5f4f0475555f360025d55c27", "reply_count": 129, "vote_count": 16, "bowl_id": "552d1d24dc1c586b09d2d051", "bowl_name": "Consulting", "feed_type": "crowd" }
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If I come out to my team as Gay, will they treat me as a normal person anymore? 95% of me team are from outside of US which I’m not 100% sure of their religion & culture.

likefunny
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This is a train wreck.
1) being LGBTQ+ is not a choice, lifestyle, or decision. Please don’t refer to it as such. It is not something you can agree or disagree with. It exists and is valid with or without your agreement.
2) “why do you feel the need to come out though?”....because you won’t stop asking me about my girlfriend I’m never going to have or who i think the hottest new intern is, Jesus.
3) we do not have to say “partner” in place of “husband” or “wife” to appease you/clients or avoid your/their ignorant response.
4) we do not have to “tone it down” for clients in ANY part of the country. my voice is my voice, Brent.
5) we are not a monolith. i can be the gay guy on the team and not know what tie would match that suit. I can be the gay guy on the team and go golfing with you and not be told about how surprised you are that i can drive the ball over 300 yards.
6) we definitely don’t need approval or validation from straight folks around where and when we can be open about our identity/sexuality a la “I’m a straight Christian man BUT ACKSHUALLY” ....workplace included.

Sorry OP that you feel you have to question your legitimacy. I’m here if you need an ally.

likeupliftingsmarthelpful

Yes!!! M2 Yessss!!! Perfect!

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Some comments that I read here are making me less likely to come out of the closet. The consulting industry is already very “straight dominated” and “male dominated”. Let’s not make these assumptions that are equivalent to “I don’t see color”.

I sometimes feel that performance reviews are never only about your performance, it’s also about how well you get along with the team. All people have their biases. Gender and sexuality are among the areas that are subject to these biases, especially “being gay” is not the easiest thing to accept for some people.

When I and my husband were to get married, we wanted to buy a wedding cake in the area that we live. We stopped by at 5 bakeries and they all said “We don’t sell wedding cakes”. Is it a coincidence or is it because we happened to be two guys? In the end, we bought a cake from a grocery store without our names on it. That doesn’t happen to straight couples at all.

It’s very easy to be dismissive about the LGBT experience. At work, we are in teams, and we get performance feedback. I received curious questions about my “wife”. I didn’t want to lie and I corrected these people. In the end, let’s look back and see if I’m still close friends with these folks. I feel it’s not the same anymore.

Perception does matter. If I feel an obligation to explain myself and if I am uncomfortable, it impacts my performance, productivity, career, and fit into the company. It is already difficult, let’s please not make it more challenging.

“I don’t care if you are gay” is a typical saying that triggers me to turn my back and leave. It is insensitive. It‘s like “I don’t care about your reasons to be uncomfortable”, and I prefer to be friends with people that “care about me”.

likehelpful

This is the entire conversation completely summed up, C3 - thanks for your input.

Am i overtly discriminated against? Not always or not necessarily.

Do i see my peers who talk about sports and going golfing with male white partners fast-tracking promotions? All the time.

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Seems like a question that we can’t answer given that we don’t know your team.

likefunny

Why do you need to come out to your team? I’m hetero but I’m honestly just curious why you need to share that? I have gay coworkers and I haven’t had them say “team, I’m gay”. Do you think you need to say something to be more comfortable?

likesmartfunny

D12 - there wasn’t unanimous support, read through again. Also, why do you expect LGBT people to thank you for tolerating them? Do you really not see the issue with that? If you’re old enough, maybe you lived through the AIDS crisis and saw how lgbt people were ignored and people wished us dead. Maybe you see yourself as an ally compared to that, but understand that there is more to allyship than tolerance. To be an ally requires listening and humbleness of the full experience, not just your definition of “not caring about whether you’re gay”. I really don’t know how else to explain it to you

like

Which part of the world are they from?

I'm gay and Indian. Was out to a few people at work back in India and it didn't change a thing.

Even if they mind you being gay, that's their problem. Who knows, you might be the only gay person they know and it will open their eyes to your/our world.

likeuplifting

Most the people I've worked with wouldn't change a thing. Will some people treat you differently? Probably, but live your life, you only get one and people will treat you differently for a million different reasons anyways.

The great thing about America is we can disagree about sexual orientation, religion, politics etc but at the end of the day we are still pushing forward together as a unified country (granted haven't done too well at that lately).

I'm a Straight Christian Man. I don't agree with you but if you're on my team I will still treat you the same as anyone else and assuming you respect me and do the work nothing else matters. If you're team members don't do the same they probably choose the wrong country to work in.

likefunnyupliftingsmart

I love Huron peeps. ❤️H2

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Hi! Gay Deloitte Consultant here - If you’re the type of person who wants to be friends with your coworkers (as am I), and mentioning your personal life and being transparent about it is important to you, go for it! I was dating someone when I started at the firm, so it was easy to mention “my boyfriend and I” in casual conversation.

In terms of USI, I’ve always been super close with my offshore teammates and they’ve never treated me differently after finding out about my sexual orientation. That being said, they’re all pretty young like me and we’re good friends!

Come out if it’s important to you, but do so using your best judgement. IMO, If you don’t think that a superior will see you in the same light, wait it out until you’re on a better team, because the majority of Deloitte folks will not care!

Regardless, you’re awesome and Deloitte has many LGBTQ workers who are out and proud! Get involved in GLOBE - Would love to add another to the crew!

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I'm bi and it is important to me as well. Not that they "know who I sleep with" or whatever crass things it is people have been saying, but so they don't assume I'm straight and/or feel more comfortable being themselves and/or I feel like I'm not hiding something.

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I wish my gay colleagues would come so we can just chill and talk about dating and shit outside of work. I’m a straight male. I find it totally bizarre there are so few openly gay people in consulting.

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D10 my comment was expressing a desire for an environment one day where this was the norm, not an indication that I think any of my LBGT colleagues are doing anything wrong by staying in the closet.

I would treat you as normal OP

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All of you who are saying things like "it's personal keep it out of work", look, you're not being honest. You're either lying to yourself or to us.

I seriously doubt that y'all are as private about your personal life as you say you are. Never ask your team how their weekend was? Never talk about the game? Never discuss your PTO plans? Never needed a remote week for a sick child or a family need?

Go talk to a gay person and educate yourself about their experiences.

I know one closeted gay person who was driving to work with his then PM who said in response to a new story: "Man, I don't think I could ever work with a faggot. You know what I mean?" Literally worst case scenario. He couldn't bring his partner to firm events, couldn't talk about how/why he bought a new house, or talk about his weekend plans because if it.

Another one stayed closeted because he was afraid people would assume any career success was due to being a "diversity promote". Couldn't even tell his team about his wedding plans or share photos lest they find out he married a man.

Y'all mock but it really is privilege to say "just don't share your personal life at work". You simply can't fathom that unless you are a recluse or antisocial, if you're embedded with a team they will learn things about your personal life. And being gay, even in 2020 carries real risk to your professional development.

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They probably already know. 🤔

I had a former VP tell me he was gayand it was out of nowhere at a company function and I was terrified. Like why was this necessary as our conversations were mostly project related.

I guess it’s something he needed to do. Then we moved on to the next topic.
🦋

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Better yet, tell them you are trying to conceive and it's not working. Ask them what sexual positions worked best for them.

funnylike

Attention to straight people on this thread: please know that saying “it won’t matter at all! I won’t see you differently” is your *individual* perspective. You will never know the danger that LGBT people can experience (perceived or real) for coming out. Think of it like alarm bells going off *just* to open up about your personal life, something that you don’t think twice about when wearing your wedding ring. That being said, I support being out at work, but don’t trivialize how big of a deal this can feel.

like

And for any straight person who wants to say that I’m guilt tripping, please just don’t respond to this. I don’t have the energy

I am gay and out but before moving to US I was in the closet at work. I’m from Latin American and the work environment was super sexist and homophobic. Having said that, this is one of the main reasons I chose to stay in US post MBA. Having lgbt groups and allies is such a privilege that we should use. Take your time and I do understand your concerns and fears, but in the long run being out and being able to be yourself is the best thing

likeuplifting

I’m from Middle East and I’d have no problem with it / it wouldn’t change how I see my teammate. I think it really depends on how they see the world / what kind of person they are - and not where they are from or what religion they are. And if it is going to make you more comfortable at work just say it. Then if you feel like they treat you differently, they could just stay as colleagues in your life and not friends

like

Honestly, I’m not out (except to a few people) and I feel safer that way. When my colleagues asked me “How is your wife doing?”, I felt the obligation to correct them by saying “I’m gay and my spouse is a man”.

If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t come out. I know, until 2 years ago, homosexuality was a “crime” punishable by a prison sentence in India. It still remains a crime at several states. Discrimination does not disappear overnight, it takes time, and I don’t want people’s bias to affect my performance, trust, networking, and reviews towards my promotion.

Trust is hard to build, and is easily lost. I don’t trust people, especially if they “ask questions about my private life”. It’s intrusive. I hate the obligation to explain myself to straight men, I have already been doing it for a long time, so I prefer to keep it to myself.

I don’t want to gain visibility in the company with my sexual orientation, and I don’t want to be remembered as being gay before any other part of my work, personality or identity. Unlike people’s assumptions, discrimination did not disappear at all. Discrimination is not openly expressed in most cases, it’s implied.

It is up to you. If you trust someone, you may expose your vulnerability. Just don’t get hurt or frustrated by people’s insensitive reactions (if you ever hear bullshit).

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I understand your fear but encourage you to come out so we can further normalize diverse environments where people from different sexual orientation, religion, race, ethnicity can work well together etc. What I love most about Deloitte is there are so many cultures, people from everywhere with various perspectives, differences and unique skills; each event I attend or FI I do, I am reminded I have so much to learn and everyone has a lot to offer. Best of luck, I would treat you with warmth and respect no matter what your orientation is!

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How are you going to “come out”? I’m thinking you’re not probably sending a team wide email to let everyone know - not necessary. You will express your sexual preferences openly when a conversation touches that topic. In that case, you’re just fine.

like

I don’t know or have interest in the sexual orientation of my teammates and I don’t care if they do or have an opinion or prejudice about mine

I don’t know what ‘coming out’ implies in the the professional sense but it’s really none of their business regardless of the country they are from

like

Sounds like your colleagues may be Indian/Chinese. During my former experience at D, it’s totally fine to be open about your sexuality around them. They are far too worried about delivering client results to avoid being deported to think about your sexuality and discriminate against you for it. Some may ask questions out of curiosity but you don’t have to answer them.

likefunny

OP, please don’t get discouraged by some comments here. I understand why you’re nervous - this is not just claiming what shoes you wear or what you eat for breakfast - this is a big deal! I admire your courage! I’m not sure if Deloitte has an LGBTQ+ or LGBTQ+ allies communities, but those could provide support and help you go through this decision. Please feel free to DM me if you ever want to talk.

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