If you got secretly married a year ago, but are holding a wedding next year for friends and family, would you tell people you're already married?

Currently: some friends do know, but parents do not

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Can I ask why you didn't tell them in the first place?

I don't see the overall benefit of lying for months, and then lying during the big celebration too. And then are you going to lie for the rest of your life too? Do you have different anniversary celebrations?

I'm so confused.

The longer you keep it a secret, the bigger deal it will be when it comes out. And you're playing with fire when more than one person knows the secret. Both because people are more likely to find out but also because those who didn't know will be even more upset.

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@C2 fair enough. It was very pragmatic. SO is military. I was working contracts and needed health insurance (it's free for mil families). He got more $$ which we used to pay off my student loans. We were both committed and knew we wanted to get married, but didn't have time, money or stability to do the big thing. This was supposed to just be the 'paper' part, but I have felt more guilty as time goes by, so I hear you.

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😲 i wouldnt, whats the point when you're getting "actually" married anyway? Save parents the shock. But congrats!

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Thanks ! This is my fiancés (husband) point of view. I'm just nervous one of my friends who signed as a witness will let it slip. But I guess that's my own fault for agreeing to it 😂

Unless your parents see your tax return and/or want to go to the courthouse with you, I see no reason to tell them. Congrats lol

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Lmao thanks. My fiancé (husband I guess) is against telling tho. That's the trouble

Would not tell them lol

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Yes! I feel like it would only upset them

I did exactly this, and yes I told people, including my parents. Having said that, I did tweak the story a little - my husband and I live on the other side of the country from our families, and we did a tiny wedding in December with only 4 people. This allowed us to do it where we wanted, when we wanted, and cover most of the expenses (including the guests' hotel rooms at a nice boutique resort). I had planned to do an event in the spring back at home in the northeast.

As the pandemic dragged on, I knew I couldn't wait to say something forever. So, I told my family we got married during the pandemic so that we would have rights if anything bad happened (one of us gets COVID, etc.), since the next closest family member for either of us is a couple thousand miles away. People were a little sad, but everyone understood.

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Lollll, I would have a zoom ceremony so they think they're part of it

Not sure if I agree with this solution, just because if your family ever found out that you faked an additional ceremony just for them they might be even more upset (esp considering it’s a dicey family situation). It seems like a more deliberate lie this way. You know them / your situation best but it’s something to consider.

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More:

I feel like my options are

1. Tell them we're already a year married and explain it to them
2. Fake a small second ceremony before the big wedding so they know we already married but feel included
3. Say nothing and keep my mouth shut when they make passive comments about 'living in sin' and won't let us stay in the same bed over holidays

I’m with C2. I don’t know your situation, but without any further background, this sounds so cruel. Please tell your parents. This is big for them. Why such a secret?

@M1, the secrecy was my SOs idea. Keep in mind this was all pre pandemic.

I've got a dicey family situation and was really stressed thinking about getting my hostile parents in the same room for a small ceremony

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Tell them and have a ceremony if you feel like having one. Just don’t lie to them. Again - maybe you have a very good reason that’s you haven’t shared here.

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