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@CW1 wtf are you talking about. Have you ever been in a relationship?
@CW1, emotional affairs are abso-fucking-lutely real. It’s different than a friendship. Furthermore, they can take place between people of the same gender, too.
And they hurt.
It’s also one thing to have a crush on someone and something very different to be truly attached emotionally.
Thank you @MD and @McCann.
@CW1: The problem is not me, and it’s pathetic that you would troll a very emotional situation and further try to kick me when I’m already down.
An emotional affair is about a lack of boundaries, similar to a sexual affair. Perhaps educate yourself first before speaking up.
My spouse happens to have other friends that my spouse was previously in relationships with. These individuals respect our relationship and don’t display any further romantic feelings for my spouse. I befriended one of them and we are actually very close and my spouse has continued to maintain a purely platonic friendship with this person. A friendship that respects the boundaries of our marriage.
This friend is actually aware of the emotional affair and 100% agrees that it was wrong.
So no, the problem is not me and I’m just insecure and flying off into fits of jealousy.
Not that I owe you an explanation, though. But there you go. If you don’t have any legitimately constructive or helpful comments, you can see yourself out the way you came in. Thanks!
Indeed. Very specific and definitely personal.
Nobody in the industry is to blame. I just needed someplace anonymous to vent!
Is polyamory an option?
Wow, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. The trust that has been broken.
Did your spouse rebuff this person’s feelings or reciprocate? Are you sure it never turned sexual?
I hope they’re able to be honest both about what they did but also why they did it. And what they are doing to fix it.
There may be mutual building needed to fix the root cause, but it’s on them to fix the damage they’ve done by not being honest and addressing their feelings with you in the first place.
I’m so sorry this is what you’re going through. I’m married myself with kids and I can’t really imagine the pain and hurt by such a breach in trust - and in emotional vulnerability
Very specific. Sounds personal. Who hurt you?!
That sucks and it hurts, OP. Sorry you're going through it.
Am I the only one having a hard time unraveling that? It's okay if it is.
Polyamory would be an option if it was a mutual decision and discussion. Not a back-handed: I was priming this person (that you never met, without your knowledge or prior consent) to bring them into a polyamorous relationship for both of us.
Was this your spouse doing this?
Ugh, I’m sorry OP
Thank you, @MD. My spouse apparently never let go of youthful feelings for this other person, who disappeared from my spouse’s life 10 years ago after never reciprocating my spouse’s feelings.
6 years into my relationship, which includes 3 years of marriage, this person mysteriously turns up and is ready for love, only to realize that my spouse went on with life.
Then the unrequited love decided that it was time to stop running from my spouse and my spouse was eager to express feelings, despite telling this person that our marriage is happy. The emotional affair took place primarily over the phone. I found out by happenstance a year later.
My spouse ended things to cut off communications, or so I was told, until the other person sent an invite to my spouse for an app to make calls that wouldn’t come up in my spouse’s phone records.
After fighting off and on for a week, and my confrontation with the other person over the phone, they finally agreed to step away from each other. We moved on with our lives and we started working on our relationship again. My one request was to be open and honest and let me know if they came into contact again. I was assured by both parties that they would never contact each other again.
Then the other person contacted my spouse to wish happy birthday, sending another invite to the app. I only found out a week later when a message from the other person came in while I was with my spouse.
Another big fight ensues and my spouse finally deletes all contact info and communications from the other person. But the damage has been done. AGAIN.
However, I find it hard to believe that my spouse is truly happy, despite my spouse’s insistence. The lying and hiding is driving me crazy.
I’m trying to rebuild the trust, but I’m not sure anymore.
Wow so sorry @Director OP. This thing called love, we need/want it but there’s just no guarantees. *sigh* They say the best apology is changed behavior. Sounds like your spouse seems to be encouraging the other person by condoning their advances, and as long as that happens it’s going to be hard for you guys to rebuild your relationship. I wish you guys the very best, and pray for strength for you to get through this whatever the outcome.
Thank you, @Director1.
^ Nope, me too.
Thank you, MD. Yes, it was my spouse. Since it went just short of being sexual, although the emotional affair lasted for well over a year before I found out, my spouse thinks that it wasn’t wrong. My spouse only acknowledged wrong-doing based on my reaction to the situation.
The other person in question knew that I was unaware and told my spouse to keep it that way in order to avoid any hurt feelings. But when confronted by me directly, gave the lame excuse of not trying to be a home wrecker.
Until this situation, my spouse and I legit had no damaging secrets from each other. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend because this other person was able to convince my spouse to not trust me anymore with their feeling. My spouse and I have always been honest and upfront with each other before this situation, or so I thought. Now I’m questioning our whole relationship and marriage based on this one incident.
@OP I’m so sorry.
Thank you, @McCann.
"Emotional affairs" are’t a real thing. In each and every emotional affair, I see the real problem is jealousy, insecurity, a need to control one's SO. The entire concept of “emotional affairs” stems from an archaic notion that men and women really aren't capable of being close friends, and that’s bullshit. The problem is probably you.