If you went on a date, but weren’t feeling it, would you reach out to let them know? I went out with a guy last week, and while it was fine, there was no chemistry. After a few days of silence, he messaged me to tell me that he was not looking for the same thing. I had neither tried to initiate another date nor said anything about wanting a relationship. Feeling kinda weird about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Eh I’d just not respond

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Maybe he thinks it’s polite to let someone know instead of total silence.

This is something I do too because it feels horrible to be ghosted and I would want people to know.

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Ah but I would have 100% preferred total silence 😅

I think he’s like me and maybe just doesn’t like ghosting people. I always let people know when I’m not feeling them, but I probably would’ve done it sooner.

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Thank you A2! A direct and nicely worded rejection is more mature than mutual ghosting IMO. Of course it is natural to feel a little bummed even through you didn’t feel the spark. We all want to be wanted and rejection always stings.

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He sounds nice. He didn’t want to leave you hanging. Why not just text back something breezy. “No worries - We’re on the same page - it was fun getting to know you - thanks again for the <<coffee>>”

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I did, but without the “we’re on the same page” part because I felt like that would come across salty.

I just wished him well.

He’s in consulting, so there is a chance we could bump into each other professionally. I feel *more* awkward after this exchange than if we had just let it go to silence 🙃 Maybe that’s just me though.

Yes. If I was in that predicament, I’d be as up front as possible. No need to lead anybody on during the early stages of dating.

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Well if you WERE into him and he didn’t message, you may be here saying that you had a great time and you are sad he didn’t reach out!
He doesn’t know you and can’t read your mind so in case you were interested, he just wanted to be upfront and set expectations.

I don’t think he did anything wrong by reaching out, and no love lost since you didn’t like him anyway, so I think what stings here is a little bit of a bruised ego, none of us like to be told this.

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Wait so he was reaching out to reject you when there was clearly no signal from him that you were even interested? L-o-l. Im with you OP on the mutual silence. This feels like an attempt to get a rise out of you.

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Yeah so… I think there are basically two ways of viewing online dating follow up, and I think that both camps think the other is rude.

1) if no one reaches out, that’s how both parties say they aren’t interested. I agree with this approach becuase I know I would always send a follow up, even do it first, if I liked someone and am happy when they don’t message me if I didn’t (lol). However, I understand that for some this may represent a missed opportunity where both parties were too shy, or both parties thought the other would message them, or some other type of miscommunication leading to POV of view 2….

2. You should always send a follow up message either way. These people I think typically are either a little less confident in communication/message reading so they want everyone to be crystal clear and/or they are hyper focused on not being rude. There is so much drama these days about “ghosting” which these folks would often call “neither person texting after a date”. Personally, I do not think mutual non-contact after one date is ghosting, but I know opinions on this vary widely.

OP, I get it. I’ve gotten these messages before and felt the ego sting and the desire to say “wasn’t me not messaging you for days enough of a sign that this isn’t happening?!” But at the end of the day, it’s not a big deal just a difference in style.

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You keep saying you wish he had left it in silence. You would’ve preferred that he ghosted you if you were into the date? Doubt it. You’d probably be saying men are shady, you’ve been waiting days to hear from him, should you go on another date with someone else while waiting? Just like many posts on here.
It’s like how many women only want sexy men to hit on them, otherwise the guy is a “creep”.
Please try to see the other side of this. He handled it very maturely and seems nice. I’m glad you responded nicely back to him.

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Eh don’t feel weird I had someone do that to me before. I said ok cool then he went into a paragraph explaining he doesn’t want to hurt anyone that he has done that in the past. I honestly did not care. If you didn’t feel it either then who cares. It’s only when you really like someone that it kind of sucks but otherwise eh.
In terms of why he did that it could be a number of reasons others have mentioned 1) being polite instead of ghosting 2) ego pride rejecting someone instead of being rejected etc. at the end of the day it honestly doesn’t matter why because who cares

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