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Thought this was funny.
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Talk about all things money. Personal spending habits, debt, investment risk tolerance, willingness to support family financially, etc.
Rising Star
Kids: How many? If not zero: what religion to raise them in? Do we plan to help pay for their college? Does either specifically want a boy? What last name will the kids have? If we cannot have biological children together, is this a dealbreaker?
Money: Will we both work full time? What’s the savings strategy and overall goals? How much should we spend on housing?
In laws/Parents: How often do we plan to visit in laws? When they are old, what is the plan for their care? Will they be living with us? How much financial commitment are we willing to make? Do we contribute the same to each set even if circumstances differ?
Our relationship: What do we each want for our relationship? Will we always put each other first? What are each other’s non-negotiables (cheating, violence, addiction, etc)
That’s what my spouse and I talked about to see if we were compatible long term. I initiated it when we got serious, I didn’t want to waste time dating someone if we weren’t going to be compatible in the long run.
Rising Star
Sure. The discussions weren’t all at once because I actually didn’t know all the things I wanted to talk about at the time. I think we lead with talk of children because I’d always been pretty sure I was never going to get married or have kids. (I grew up with parents that abused me and each other.) That was about a year into dating, when I knew I wanted to marry him, despite what I’d always thought.
The other topics - sometimes we would talk because of a show we watched, or a friend’s wedding/housewarming we attended, or a news story we read, etc. Or we would revisit topics because we had new insights or changed our minds or wanted to just talk some more. What we wanted from our relationship with each other was the last topic we explicitly talked about, right before we got engaged. I’m the chattier one in the relationship so I probably brought up most of the talks.
A lot of the things I listed above were based on my life experiences, and were my biggest concerns/insecurities. We have been happily married for 9 years now, and some things we agreed on or compromised on initially have changed because life happens and we both grew up a lot in the last 15 years. But my SO didn’t run when I asked him if he wanted kids in the future that first time a year into dating, and he’s been kind, patient, and loving for every conversation both before and after marriage.
Everything PWC1 said, maybe try to spend some time and try to understand your husband’s relationship with his parents, friends and relatives as well.
Career goals, including willingness to relocate for one person's career over another.
This is a big one. Relocating.
I never had a list of topics to discuss with my husband. We figured out we were on the same page on kids, future plans, how to raise them organically by having conversations or just hearing “can’t wait to have kids with you” versus having a formal convo with checking boxes and doing the math of what works or not. I guess my advice is get to know someone before marrying them, live with them, See their interactions with their families and yours, how life together is before tying the knot, how they react to situations etc. It feels a lot better and healthier than cornering someone with “how many kids do you want” and “who should pay for what?”.
The idea that you can plan everything in advance is crazy. You can discuss 3 kids and face infertility. You can plan for 0 and get pregnant and be thrilled. What you need is a supportive and loving partner versus a “this is what I sign up for” list.
Thank you OP! Good luck to you as well :)
Pro
I think life goals. Personal and career. And holidays. As in just logistics of holidays. My husband and I are within an hour of both families so they both expect to see us every holiday and I wish we had talked about that before because it definitely caused issues
Such great responses! All of the above. I would also add talk about how you fight. I have a temper and am reactive. My husband seethes silently. I need to walk away and calm down and he wants to discuss immediately. We had to figure out how to fight without hurting each other below the belt and how to resolve. You will disagree, you will fight. Figure out how to deal
Rising Star
Yes! So important! My husband and I are both conflict avoiders. Great - we never fight!! But, that also means that we can suffer silently in order to avoid having difficult conversations. We’ve had to work together to overcome this and to talk to each other instead of retreating inward.
I’m not sure how this hasn’t come up, but how to split up chores/housework. And responsibilities related to kids as well.
This is what I was going to suggest. Division of duties is huge, especially after kids.
people change, plans change, dreams change... hope u learn to love him (for what he is - his soul) and it could be easier to adapt to those changes :)
Agree with what everyone said. But also as the years go by things change. Kids, careers, family dynamics, and people change and grow as well. Most important thing is to figure out how each one of you communicates and how you react to changes in your life. Get to know the person and know that no matter what you’re willing to work through difficult circumstances. Having plans now before marriage is nice and definitely important. But also know that you have to be flexible.
Rising Star
I came here to say exactly this. No matter what you think will happen when you start out dating or get engaged or are early in your marriage, life has twists and turns. Be prepared to be able to navigate those changes together as a team. Do this by building a strong foundation of communication and trust, with a common set of values.
Elope. We could have used the wedding money for a down payment on a house.
Money, long term family goals, each other’s dealbreakers. Reminding each other that you’re your own family and u each take priority (as well as any family you create).
What their limits are and their approach to conflict resolution - this to me is huge - I was always a shut down OR a easily angered person and my husband didn’t know how to navigate it and it frustrates him - and my husband is very much a revisit when everyone is calmer type and I needed to learn to navigate that.
For you both to read the book “The Five Love Languages” and talk about it.
Pro
Yes! I did premarital counseling through church and it was "strongly suggested" reading
Pro
Hindsight 20/20 I wish I lived with my husband before we were engaged. My family is super religious and not supportive of living together before marriage; they were upset he moved in with me after we got engaged but before we got married (because of the timing of his apartment lease). I thought I knew what my husband was like because we dated for 5 years before but I was wrong.
Saw this post/comment earlier today and coming back to it now because I 100% agree, live with them first!!! Had to pick my boyfriend’s wet shower towel off the bed for the third time this week alone after who knows how many times of asking him to hang it up 😤 it’s not break-up worthy, doesn’t mean he isn’t marriage worthy, but holy geez it makes me want to rip my hair out.
So I met my husband and we talked about all the “usual suspects”...kids, how we wanted to raise them, work, money/spending/debt, etc., religion, how we would vacation...Our 10 year anniversary is coming up, and we are happily married (mostly 😂), but a few years ago, I wasn’t sure if we’d make it. Here’s the real real:
-Is he willing to go to couples counseling? I can’t tell you how many of my friends are now divorced because their spouse refused to go to couples counseling and/or refused to make the suggested effort/changes recommended by the counselor.
- You will never be able to know everything about the person you’re about to marry, but definitely figure out how he responds under pressure. If he remains calm, how does he remain calm? Is it because he retreats and shuts down? Or because he is self-aware and can fully process/discuss it in a calm manner.
- Division of labor is VERY important. My husband is very involved, and yet a lot of the family stuff falls on me unless I speak up. And even having to speak up is something that I wish I didn’t have to do.
- Kids change EVERYTHING. It will even change how you view your spouse. Some things will melt your heart, while some things will make you want to scream because he’s doing it “wrong.” Let him do it wrong. Because he is doing it and it will be just fine (obviously unless what he’s doing puts the baby in danger).
- How secure is he in himself? Not cocky or arrogant, but just secure in who he is.
- Is he respectful of people in general? Especially you, but others as well (servers, complete strangers, etc.)
And last but not least...
- How loudly does he chew? And clear his throat? It’s the soundtrack for the rest of your life 🤣🤣🤣
Good luck!! The fact that you’re considering al this, is a good sign.
Omg - the chewing!! The chewingggg 😩🤣
If you are both career driven, have plans to make sure that isn’t always the case. My husband and I let our careers drive the first few years of marriage and it almost destroyed us. Honestly, thanks to COVID, we were forced to focus on us again since we weren’t going to work or traveling.
Talk about how to handle in-laws
I married a non accountant best decision ever except when I have funny accounting memes he won’t laugh with me. We over communicate and have our own hobbies but overall make sure we balance our crazy busy weeks.
Separate bathrooms! 😏
Discuss non negotiables upfront. Create a safe space to talk about anything judgement free.