I’m 25 year old and work directly with a 45 year old man on my project. I am the direct contact for the client and he’s the architect but he is constantly mansplaining things to me/ telling me cont...

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Some thoughts:
1. As annoying as that behavior may be, I firmly believe intent matters and sometimes even the most difficult of people have valid feedback . So don’t let your annoyance get the best of you and completely ignore his intent and feedback. He could be genuinely trying to help vs patronize you and as easy as it is to think that he is jealous of your relationship skills, it is far more likely that someone 20 years your senior is not jealous of your skills; possible of course but not likely. Also try to be emotionless when you assess his feedback so you don’t ignore the valid points. You maybe better at relationships than him but it doesn’t mean you are great or can’t get better or that he can’t give good advice.
2. Once you figure out what’s valid vs not as well as his intent, you’ll be able to assess how to deal with some of the patronizing better, if that’s what’s happening . My advice is to always be above petty and bad behavior. If he is treating you badly, don’t respond in kind. Don’t get aggressive with him - be professional and treat him with respect. Understand the impact of your response; many times mansplainers just want to hear themselves talk - let them but it may not require any action from you; in other words, pick your battles.
3. If he continues to be disrespectful to you, keep note of how that happens and share that feedback with your partner. Not in a negative or personal way, but in a balanced way and factually as well as clearly articulate the possible impact of that to the client and engagement. Ask for help.

To give you some context, I have a very low tolerance for these types of behaviors. I get irritated and annoyed and the advice above is challenging for me to execute as well. However over the years, I have learned that reacting and being aggressive in these situation does more harm than good because it paints a picture of you as immature and emotional and sort of validates the story these types of guys tell.

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I’m 43 and this has been my entire work life. They can’t conceive that a woman, especially a younger one, can do a better job than they do. Thank goodness things are finally changing in the world! Stay confident, keep standing up for yourself. Don’t let him impact your views of yourself or your work. Weather it and look for other people who can provide you with support. There are others out there. And if you’re lucky you will see the tides change like I have recently.

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I wish I had an answer, but all I can say is that I sympathize with you because I have gone through the same shit as a 26 yr old Latina. Even basic respect is hard to get

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1) Find a more neutral advocate and mentor (ideally female) at IBM you can ask for advice on these kind of situations, and who can potentially lobby behind the scenes on your behalf. Look laterally too even if there's not so much power to change the situation here: Sometimes it just helps to vent with peers for short-term relief/catharsis even if it doesn't resolve the underlying issue definitively.

2) Keep your receipts. You can't really make a clear case on workplace violations from mansplaining alone, but if there are specific circumstances where your manager is out of line, eg says something wrong to client in email that undermines you and that you have to correct, keep the thread. Equally important is to arm yourself for performance reviews in case this manager has unjustified critiques of you that are not shared by the client - keep a "Good job" folder of positive written feedback from them or request such in writing, even if as a short email. You should be doing this to support your case during promotion decisions etc anyway and these things are nice little mental/confidence boosts to look at if you're going through a rough patch on any given project.

3) Keep your head down and focus on doing a great job. Kick ass on this project and get that client feedback, and this will be shared with other projects who will want to staff you. The best consultants have their pick of multiple projects whenever they're rolling off their current one, because word gets around about their work. This becomes a virtuous cycle as high performers have more of a say on the managers they work with, and they can turn down projects with people who have clashing styles or bad personality/bias issues like this dude.

4) Equally, pay it forward. This experience will be so valuable to you on what not to do and how to make different (ideally fewer!) mistakes when you are eventually in management. Warn your peers, especially the women, about working with this guy - reputations get around, and even though it's not usually the only factor, managers can be held back in bonuses/promotions for having a bad rep with their teams. Even if he somehow makes it up with internal allies or client kudos, this guy should have a direct interest in this - if he has a rep for being a difficult/bad person to work with, staffing becomes a much more salient headache for his day-to-day.

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How to interact with the client. He has no idea how to interact with clients and whenever he does say anything, I am there to fix what he said. He also seems insecure that a 25 year old has a better relationship with the client than he does and puts me down. How do I handle this? I’ve started to be more aggressive with him and stand up for myself more but he is becoming more unbearable. Can’t really go to the partner bc they are good friends.

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Use the client relationship to help advocate on your behalf??

Thank you everyone!! This was very helpful

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Trust you are doing well.

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