I’m 30 and have had very little experience with women. I’m very selective and theoretically know my self-worth, but in practice feel so inferior around women- like even if it’s someone I wouldn’t be..

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I was in your shoes at 24. I immersed myself in it. Kind of like an immersion therapy. I went out Thr-Sat every night. Almost without exception.

On weekdays I'd talk to everyone, the cashier, the bus driver, the cafe barista, men, women, young & old. Get into the habit of meeting people, being friendly, and not think too much of it.

But what you're also describing is a deep insecurity that women don't want you as more than friends. That's tough. I hate saying "go to therapy" because it's kinda cliche to me, but I've found it can help a bit.

Other things that greatly helped get over the practical (ie. non-internal) matters stemming from insecurity that women didn't want me in a more-than friends kinda way, was to just go for it. Baby steps, first few times I just asked for #s even if it felt awkward. Got a ton of #s. Then moved on to trying to just kiss at the bar, obv slowly with enough space for her to decline. Made out with tons of girls, got more daring and with the right girls I'd just make out in the first few minutes of meeting. -- moved on to saying "let's go to my place"

It's baby steps. This method worked for me, but tbh it didn't address my internal insecurity. That's what therapy and being in a healthy relationship with a great loving partner helped with.

Oh, and I should also add -- I found speed dating to be SUPER fun. It kind of flips the tables on girls, if you're a guy with a great career and not too unfit. Because you *know* the girls want a guy. Whereas the guy who previously wasn't talking to many girls now has many to meet. Leaving these events with majority of girls matching with you, even though I was very likely not their target demographic was super ego-boosting. But don't do it thinking it'll help -- it's just fun.

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Interested in, i assume they wouldn’t find me desirable. I don’t know how to fix this. I’ve been single for so long and have had effectively no romantic interaction for years. I just want to feel comfortable and not have this mindset that women will me undesirable

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Im a girl with this ptoblem, but tbh just throw urself out there and you'll learn

Hi OP! Are you comfortable approaching women as friends? I think you can reframe your mindset to establish your worth as a human being and friend, and stem your confidence from there. Once you know that you’re someone she’s willing to get to know, then see if anything comes from that after you’ve reached that level of comfort.

I’m also wondering what you mean by desirable? This is so subjective and can vary from person to person. I’m approaching 30 myself and so many of us who have not found success are still just looking for the most basic of qualities— nice, loyal, hardworking, etc. Do you feel confident that you meet any of these? Honestly even just the first will make you desirable to many. Sometimes we’re (sadly 😩) not looking for as much as you’d think.

I can guarantee you the problem is in your mind. I’ve had a few relationships where I was so into the other person but their fears and anxieties about not being enough led them to self sabotage what could’ve been a good thing. Don’t keep yourself out of the game for fear of losing. Statistically, you’re bound to come across a win if you keep trying.

Thanks D1, this is helpful. I typically am very comfortable interacting with women as friends, but only after the introduction phase is handled so to speak (e.g., we’re part of same team and meet that way). I can be very fun around female friends. But I’m realizing that I get very uncomfortable before I meet a woman, so even if I wanted to approach as friends I’m always afraid they will think I am hitting on them and perceive me as “creepy.” Like even if we are in a mutual friend group, and there is a new woman there - I will get very tense and basically avoid talking to her, especially if she is attractive - for the most part.

By desirable I guess I mean the whole thing - like the woman will find my advances unwanted and be uncomfortable. I feel so confident that I am nice, loyal, hardworking, kind, and even somewhat of a “catch” and because of this I am very selective. So while in theory I feel that I would or should be desired by many women, this all breaks down in practice and I feel inferior around a woman I haven’t met yet- and feel like I am not someone that would grab their attention. I had felt the same way around my previous girlfriend and we wouldn’t have been together unless she later gave clear clues of her interest.

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