{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I'm 31, with a toddler. Hubby and I are exhausted with one. He even wonders why we had a kid. (Hint: it was his idea.) I work a lot. He takes on the brunt of the parenting. Everyone tells us that having two is better so they can play with each other. Others say that the second kid was rough on the marriage. Thoughts?", "post_id": "5f2316f829c6a2001a9eccc9", "reply_count": 66, "vote_count": 6, "bowl_id": "5a0c9a1f61b01a001937c406", "bowl_name": "Working Moms", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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I'm 31, with a toddler. Hubby and I are exhausted with one. He even wonders why we had a kid. (Hint: it was his idea.) I work a lot. He takes on the brunt of the parenting. Everyone tells us that having two is better so they can play with each other. Others say that the second kid was rough on the marriage. Thoughts?

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I have a 17 month old and I’m a first year. I got pregnant during my SA. My husband and I lived apart while I was in law school and he was in the Army. I moved to be with him in my last semester of law school. After we had our son, I mostly slept with my son because my husband had to get up at 4 am for work every day and I was also breastfeeding. My son had a lip tie and had bad reflux and bad gas pains until around 5 months and didn’t sleep well during that time - not at night or for naps. He became a good sleeper around 6 months and then consistently slept through the night uninterrupted around 10 or 11 months. My husband and I fought A LOT in that time and we were both getting just enough sleep to survive, but definitely not enough to think even remotely clear enough to do this job.

And so I’ve been having this same debate. Sometimes I want another baby, but I am so terrified of the lost sleep and not functioning and being able to do my work. I’m also afraid that my marriage will suffer even more and we are still trying to rekindle our intimacy that was lost by living apart for so long and then getting back together when i was pregnant and then with the baby... things were starting to look up but the pandemic didn’t help things. I’m also worried of not having enough time for two kids and I love my son so much that I can’t imagine not being there for him any more than my job will already require me to be away. I don’t know if I have enough time for two.

I think if we have another kid, it will have to be when my son is at least 5 and off to school. It’s the only way I can see it working for us, if at all.

I always planned to have 2. I am 1of 2 kids. Three year age gap. We fought like cats and dogs. My sister and I still have a love hate relationship. Our parents encourage the competition between us by comparing us. I waited to have my first baby to start my legal career. Then, it took over 2 years with pharmaceutical help to get pregnant. My little one is almost 5. We keep talking about another one...but my husband is definitely like yours—hesitant and on the fence. I want school to be free for my oldest before we even try for a 2nd. Also, I have been training to be in better shape. But having the first was hard on our marriage. Plus I breastfeed for 3+ years. It feels like I just unhooked from the pump. Also, I am trying to build my own book of business. I dont have any advice but to say youre not alone. The thought for me that drives me to have another one is that everyone in my family had kids late in life (30 or older). As a result, I have like 3 close relatives left—everyone else has died. I dont want my son to be left in life alone with no relatives. My sis and I may hate each other but we are ride or die when it comes done yo it.

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I feel like that advice that having two that can play with each other only works with dogs. 😂

likefunny

Ha, and even that advice didn’t hold for us! Having two dogs pre-kids changed out plans from 2 kids to 1 😂

likefunny

I’m an only child. I always wanted a sibling growing up- it was a deep seated loneliness that would hit me every time school ended, or my friends went home from play, or my cousins went away. I always tried to make up with friends but it’s not the same at all.
Now that I’m older I still long for a sibling to help deal with my aging parents, and to have someone to share my worry for them.
Not saying this is the reason to have two but they grow out of toddler years, but a sibling bond is for life!

likehelpful

+1 on building character and growth. My sister has been my worst enemy but also my best friend at times, has taught me so much about myself and where we come from and how we communicate, cope, struggle, etc. Also helps to have someone who TRULY understands your crazy parents

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I personally feel like siblings are important. My sister is my best friend and when my dad died unexpectedly I was so glad I had siblings to help with all that comes with losing a parent. So although we are exhausted with our toddler, baby number 2 is coming soon 😐

You don’t need to decide right now. Maybe wait till the toddler is older before going for number 2? I decided to just get the chaos over with which is why I’m going back to back but I’m also a few years older than you.

likesmart

We have one and we are so done. Couldn’t imagine trying to deal with two. Yes I’m sure they play together but they also fight together ...

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Same here as P2. My friends who have 2+ kids say it’s not twice as hard, it’s 10x as hard to have 2. After 3 you’re outnumbered and you just kinda give up lol

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I’m older and watching my baby head to another state for college. It’s good for him—heartbreaking for me.We only had 3 kids, but Ive always wished for more, especially now in my clean, quiet, boring house. As they grow up, they add such joy and fulfillment to your lives. My husband and I have 3 great friends in our kids! Granted, parenting can be tough, but don’t let a couple hard years rob you of the great times to come. The baby years go by fast. Do what feels right for you, of course, but please consider my old lady wisdom. 😉💕

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ONLY three?! ☠️☠️☠️☠️ (someone with their first kid only two months old 😂)

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I didn’t think I wanted one kid much less two. But after we had our first I found that my family relationships which weren’t strong before, got a lot stronger. Being in consulting has been hard on my friendships and even though my sister and I probably wouldn’t be friends if we weren’t related, I can count on her if I ever really needed help. Also like another poster said, we have each other to deal with our aging parents. That weighed heavily on me in thinking through a second kid. Our kids are two years apart and yes it has been so hard in every way - financially, on our marriage, on our personal physical and mental health. they are now finally starting to play with each other in a meaningful way and I have to say it just melts me to see it. I don’t know if they will be friends or fight over the years. But I hope that when they really need someone they will have each other to rely on. Do whatever is right for you for whatever reasons make sense for your life and your family.

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I was dragged into a second. I didn't like the newborn stage and I hated being pregnant cause I was sick all the time. I developed PPD/A. Second one, I got fired for being sick all the time, hated the newborn state and developed PPD/A. Stick with your instincts. If you're hesitant, don't do it.

I think about leaving my husband everyday. Baby turns one tomorrow. Idk the pandemic isn't helping the cause

likesmarthelpful

They need a "hug" option for these things.

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Two is/was rough on my marriage. We are separated but reconciling, and my husband just admitted he isn’t great with newborns. Plus being an attorney and taking care of an infant - I had little time for him. It’s not that it can’t be done, but go in with eyes wide open. On the plus side - my daughters (6 and 2) are great buddies and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

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Yeah I'll second this. It's nice having two that play together and will always have each other, but it was so rough on my marriage we're separating post pandemic. However, I'd add the separation may have happened anyway down the road.

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We have 1 child — never thought we’d only have 1, but that’s the way life worked out for us. Anyway, she is 12 now and we have always loved our little family of 3. She wants a sibling at times but at other times mentions she likes it being just us. Neither my husband or I are especially close with our siblings so we don’t really see her missing out on that (side note: we are close in age, just not in relationship).
It is completely okay to just have 1. I realized the greatest gift I can give my child is not a sibling, but a happy, loving home.

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My son turned 9 before we felt ready to get another kid.
My husband has 8 years between him and his sister, and they are best friends. There are 5 y between my brother and me and we had issues.
And my cousins have 2 years in between, they fought through their whole childhood.

likefunny

It’s not too late my oldest is 16 yrs older than my next child then 3 yrs between the middle and youngest.

Thanks guys. I'm one of five kids, and my husband is one of three. Neither of us are close with our siblings, so we have a different view on this. I am 31, but my husband is 45. So waiting too much longer to have a child isn't much of a possibility. I'm very happy with my son. He is so wonderful - he is smart, cute, sweet. He practically self-potty trained. I can't imagine getting that lucky again.

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From your posts it doesn’t sound like you or your husband are wanting for more kids in order to make your family complete. If that’s the case embrace it!

I’m a big believer you shouldn’t base the number of kids you have on an expected outcome you want them to have either with siblings or as an only child. There are no guarantees either way.

FWIW I’m an only child and for the most part loved it and wouldn’t change anything about my childhood. I think I was closer with my parents from a younger age because of additional Time with them and was always appreciative if the fact that there were experiences they could provide me with that they would not have been able to afford if they’d had more children.

likesmarthelpful

Reading at all these posts makes me realize how lucky I am to have two girls. They are 2 years apart and are so closely bonded now because of the pandemic. They could play by themselves all day long and leave me alone 😂

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If you’re only motivation to have another child is so that they can distract/entertain your current one. I’d consider a nanny instead.

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Update. Out of nowhere, our toddler has started saying "I want a baby to share my toys with." Perfect timing.

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Oh sweet Jesus. He calls the nonexistent child "Baby [Son's Name]." So if my son's name was Frank, he has been referring to Baby Frank. So he's like "I want to sing to Baby Frank so he doesn't cry."

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My husband and I have 7, ages 14 to 2. We had our first, a boy, in 2006. His arrival changed life as we knew it and was a huge adjustment. Our second, our only girl, was born in 2007 and her arrival seemed to change nothing except that we added another carseat to the car and high chair to the table. Our third, born in 2008, turned our world upside down. I remember feeling so overwhelmed much of the time. I feel a large portion of that was that our children now outnumbered us and we didn’t have enough arms. However, obviously they were all very young, and very close together. Our third is also easily our most difficult child. He arrived on this planet with no fear and sometimes I wonder how we’ve kept him alive this long. On the other hand he has one of the most fun personalities and I can’t imagine life without him. In short, I don’t know whether going to 3 kids was so incredibly difficult because there were now 3, because they were so close together, or because our third was our most difficult — likely a combination.

We had our fourth in 2010, our fifth in 2013, our sixth in 2014 (two days before finals during my first semester of law school 🤦🏻‍♀️) and our seventh in 2018. Each subsequent child had the same effect as our second — we added a car seat and a high chair.

If I could go back, the only thing I would change is going to school before they were born. They are all so incredibly close, which warms my heart considering much of my husband and I’s decision to have them and when was based upon our lack of relationships with our much older/younger sibling. Not to mention, quarantine has been a little easier having plenty of people to play with. But...my husband is the poster child for “all I wanted was to be a dad.” He stays home with them, coaches their sports, and loves every minute of all of it. If it all fell on me, things would be very different.

likeuplifting

I have only one kid, and Thank God for that. There no way I would have managed to have an amazing career travel everywhere and to send them to private school without feeling the pinch. I asked my daughter multiple times 8f she wanted a sibling. She said no, I want a dog, so that's what we have instead. 😍

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Our 2 together are "easier", now, but the are Irish twins and play together all the time. They are 3 and 4. A lot of years of no sleep. They are finally at the ages where they sleep through most nights. It was hard when they were younger. But I can't imagine life without either of them.

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We have 3. They are each about 4 years apart with my oldest 8 and youngest 6 months. We purposefully waited till we felt ready to have another and that just so happened to have been around 4 years after the last—once potty training, sleeping all night, some independence came into play. I’m pretty sure I said during the age 0-3, “no way, no more, I’m done.” But then change my mind around year 4. That’s just life, you know?

Have more or don’t. But most importantly, you don’t have to make a decision now and probably shouldn’t since your in the thick of some new and very hard times.

Hang in there! It gets easier.

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I’m 36 with 2 kids (6 and 4) and it’s amazing. Yes they bicker but they also play together A LOT. They entertain each other and laugh at their silly little kid jokes. I always knew I’d have at least 2 so I think my disposition was a bit different to start with. It’s is rough on your marriage when they’re smaller but if it wasn’t a kid, it might’ve been something else. We’ve adjusted and are stronger because of it. I also ❤️❤️❤️ having siblings. It’s the best.

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