I’m (37m) considering leaving a 6+ year relationship because of mismatch libido and preferences. I want 2-3 times per week. She wants one phoned in session every 10 days. I’ve read every book and implemented every expert tip. She doesn’t seem to want to put in the work to find a work around. She’s pushing hard for marriage and kids but I’m worried I’m walking into a dead bedroom and eventual divorce. Has anyone here been in my shoes?

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This is my current marriage of 4 yrs, dated 2 yrs before that. Getting hitched didn't change much - expect the sexual pattern you've developed to be fairly solid (not that things can't change will real work by both of you). I decided I'm ok putting that aside given other priorities, but you gotta make your own decision.

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Is she on birth control? My GF had the same issues too but as soon she got off them, her sex drive increased. That means you have to be ok with wearing a condom though.

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Check out the "Dead Bedrooms" subreddit -a lot of guys and girls have been in your shoes.

Chances are that this is probably who she is - even if you do manage to fix this, there's a very good chance that things will backside once you add marriage and kids into the equation, no matter how many "this is a deal breaker for me" talks you may have.

So my question to you is this - can you accept her for how she is? It is perfectly OK if that answer is no, because in all honesty it would be a no for me.

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Honest advice OP is to bail out. I ignored warning signs, now I’m stuck in a sexless marriage with two kids. We dated for 4 years or so before getting engaged, lots of sex back then, but kind of fell off the cliff in the lead up to the wedding. No sex on our wedding night or honeymoon. Imagine? So far in 2021 we’ve had sex once and it took her having an edible to get it to happen. I’ve just given up.

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I love my husbands bald head and dad bod. Don’t be so hard on yourself, it most probably has nothing to do with how you look and more something going on with her.

Counseling before you decide? Seems like a lot to throw away without being positive it can’t be repaired.

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I left my partner of 5 years for this reason. It was hard because we loved each other and cared for each other, but ultimately this core part of the relationship was, in fact, a deal breaker for me. I couldn’t put any more time into it without feeling like it was a waste because I just knew I wasn’t going to be happy.

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SA2 That’s nice to hear. My fear is feeling like it was a mistake to leave. So It’s really good to hear a positive ending.

Her libido is unlikely going to get better.

Even if it does, it's only going to be temporary. Frankly, I know it's not PC to say, but marriage and kids tend to reduce libido.

I would do quick check on yourself before dumping this relationship: are you physical fit, practice good daily hygiene, and generally dress well? Do you act happy, secure, and confident in your daily life? How is the overall level of stress in your home?

I'm not trying to offend. I'm sure everything you have tried is all that can be done. Typically this type of libido mismatch is not fixable long term. I'm just suggesting be honest and introspective one last time before saying goodbye to this long term relationship.

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I’m a former NCAA tight end and I’m up every morning at 4:30 to workout. Partially bc I enjoy it and partially because I have anxiety that if I loose any ground on my attractiveness the issue will get worse. Same anxiety and overcompensation applies to grooming and hygiene. I do my very best to be kind and sweet to her but the lack of sex has caused me to feel very distant. I’m aware this is an issue and I’m trying to compensate. But it seems like my efforts don’t result in more sexual interest from her. So it’s hard not to back slide.

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Is there a reason for her not feeling it? Sometimes people need an emotional connection to have a physical connection after the initial attraction dims.

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OP is she in therapy? Or at the very least, does she acknowledge that her stress could be disrupting her ability to live a fulfilling life - and a fulfilling romantic relationship with you?

I know the consensus here seems to be, ‘end it now because there’s no hope.’ But I wonder if this could be turned around with some serious introspection on her part, and also a commitment to getting to the bottom of her stress. You say it’s her personality; something in her childhood shaped this aspect of her personality. Something she may not even be aware of.

Separately, I really admire your willingness and desire to salvage your relationship.

It will likely get a little worse than whatever current average is with kids

Have you talked to her about it? Like directly discussed the mismatch and how worrisome and problematic that is for you? Have you done couples sex therapy? Those would be my (important) last resorts, then I would agree with you it’s a mismatch unless she’s okay with an open relationship

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I’ll DM you!

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She’s just not that into you

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truth hurts :/ At least you’re not married

My current gf wants sex twice a day but I have ED and feel pressure to perform, so can’t like ever get it up because of the anxiety 😓. I do my best, and it’s best in the morning when I just wake up and I’m not thinking about anything yetv

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Ok but what that mouth do

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It will only get worse after marriage and kids. This is an issue worth breaking up over. Are you going to be happy having phoned in sex once every other week for the rest of your life?

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This is the exact question I’ve been wrestling with for years. Everything else in the relationship is perfect. So I bounce between foregoing the sexual side of myself in favor or the other elements. Vs understanding that so many people on dead newsrooms say the same thing but then they leave they ultimately find something similar or better. I just don’t know which way to go.

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Another female here. If you have tried everything, emotional connection, making her feel beautiful and desired, sharing the emotional labor and household responsibilities, and there isn’t an underlying issue like trauma or purity culture shaming that she’s willing to address with her therapist, leave now. It’s not going to get any better. As someone who was in what eventually became a sexless marriage (his lack of interest, not mine), it’s hell and it amplifies all of the other issues in your relationship. Get out now before you end up married, miserable, and fantasizing about cheating because it’s been a year since you got laid.

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Someone should start a dating app for low sex drive and asexual people to meet 😅. Couldn’t stay with my low sex drive ex bf too. 2y later still single and horny but better than feeling unwanted

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Just wondering how hard it is out there these days. I haven’t been single for nearly 7 years. Now I’m within sight of 40. I’m worried about my limited pool of options.

It’ll only get worse. If she doesn’t want to do the work, there’s nothing to be done.

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😬 honestly being a female, that’s not nearly enough! And it can be a huge problem down the road, not to mention adding marriage and kids to the equation. I think you posted about this already and probably have a good sense on what to do/expect but I would say if expectations dont align now that you have talked and done the homework then I don’t see a good outcome, imho.

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